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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
Tamarindtree · 07/01/2023 07:13

It’s a no from me.

It will end in tears.

Woeman · 07/01/2023 07:14

Whatever you decide I would take the cold hard cash off him and save it every month to make sure it actually happens. I'd want to know how much the houses they were looking at are, and how much that means they'd need to save, and for how long. Just make it really black and white...add in a spreadsheet 😄.

Woeman · 07/01/2023 07:17

Plus, I think you do have to treat dc the same, but that doesn't have to include the gf. Also what would you need to cover your outgoings? Write it all down. If you need £500 a month and they need to save £2k a month between them etc does that add up? I'd ensure they were saving loads to make it as short term as possible.

Eeksilon · 07/01/2023 07:18

Your idea isn't a bad one but I would definitely have a two night limit for the gf... Do you live alone otherwise? Can't help thinking you might feel somewhat outnumbered or sidelined in your own home, particularly if they end up monopolising the living room or kitchen, or aren't great at picking up after themselves... It's a bit of a minefield, but you do really have to go part way if the brother was allowed to do this IMO.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:19

Thanks both and 100% agree it won’t end well. I feel stressed and miserable just thinking about it. Finally I’ve got my house how I want it (still have one adult son at home but he’s immaculately tidy) and this was far from my future plans.

@Tamarindtree would you say no to your son or just them both moving together?

OP posts:
Ibouncetothebeat · 07/01/2023 07:20

I think that’s reasonable. Letting him know he always has a home but you also need your space.

Woeman · 07/01/2023 07:21

If you don't want to, just say as he's in a relationship it's not feasible or blame cost of living crisis.

Cellotapedispenser · 07/01/2023 07:23

Agree with pp on yes to son with a firm time limit (love the idea of the spreadsheet) but no to gf. Even if she is lovely she's not your daughter so when disputes arise you'll be dancing about the topic whereas with your ds you can just set them straight.

Plus then living apart should give them an incentive to save even faster.

mrsmarmalade12 · 07/01/2023 07:24

I think it could all end in tears, your plan sounds entirely reasonable,

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:25

When we meet today I am expecting him to have some kind of financial plan of how much they need to save, timescales etc. I appreciate cost of living is high but they are two people living together on reasonable salaries and in their position I would rather delay buying for a couple of years while I saved up rather than move back in with parents. They are mid to late 20s so no mad rush.

I would rather help out with cash - I was able to help his brother towards a deposit, not a massive amount but nevertheless - than have them move in.

They also have an option of moving in with her parents later in the year so I am coming down firmly on the side of either separate houses or go to hers if they want to live together.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 07/01/2023 07:27

I have an adult DS and would not invite him to move in with a GF ... being brutally honest I would also find it difficult if he moved back in on his own.

SmileWithADimple · 07/01/2023 07:27

You can't really say an outright no if you let his brother do it - that would seem very unfair. I think not letting his girlfriend move in and putting a timescale on it is a good compromise.

Woeman · 07/01/2023 07:28

I think the main thing is that you don't want him to! The offer of cash is great and they can move in with the in-laws.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:30

Thanks all you’re helping focus what I’m already thinking.

I don’t think he handled the request well either - invited us all for dinner and then asked me together as a couple. It would have been much better to ask to meet me on his own.

To answer some other points, I’ve been single for years (divorced from their dad but on good terms). Two sons went to uni then moved back at various stages and for various lengths of time, one son always been at home. I thought I’d finally got my house back when two moved out last year!

OP posts:
ShadowPuppets · 07/01/2023 07:30

Personally I would do it. It’s not right to split up an adult couple who had previously been living together. I suspect he won’t do it if that’s the condition, and for seeing my kids on the property ladder would be a great reassurance that they were settled. And while the gf issue is different, the fact you allowed his brother to do this means I really think you need to allow him the same.

Full disclosure - my parents hosted my then BF (now DH) and I for six months after we put in an offer to buy until completion. We saved £8k in that time which basically furnished our first flat, and I’m incredibly grateful. If they’d said bf couldn’t have come with me, I’d have had to do a short term let (landlord was selling up) and it would have been a shit 6 months in expensive accommodation followed by a shit 6 months while we saved for furniture.

France2023 · 07/01/2023 07:30

Definitely gift or loan or a combination of both the amount needed for a deposit if you can spare it.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 07/01/2023 07:32

I think you have to say yes as you had other DS. But, I wouldn’t have the GF full time. I’d suggest GF has 2 day at yours and your DS has 2 days at hers, then you’d achieve a little ‘me time’. I’d definitely take the cash and have a spreadsheet, discuss food and bills, etc. I’d be livid if a GF was living with me full time and buying clothes, shoes, etc.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:33

Thanks - I won’t say no to my son as he’s welcome to move back. If he’s on his own he can live much more self-contained and out of the way (plus we can eat at one sitting).

If they came as a couple it would be completely different - it’s definitely going to be a no. It would be like being back in a student house! Who’s cooking when, who’s using the washing machine when…

OP posts:
Thehonestbadger · 07/01/2023 07:34

I think you offer your son the same as you offered his brother that way there can be no argument for inequality.

There’s no reason for them to live together at your home and that is a lot to ask. If she moves home and he does the same they can spend a few nights at each place and share the burden with her parents.

RudsyFarmer · 07/01/2023 07:34

I think you agree to the same terms you allowed your other son to stay and save up. Then there can be no resentment.

Ragwort · 07/01/2023 07:34

I think it was very poor of him to ask you in front of his GF (& not very sensitive of her either). I can't imagine a grown woman wanting to live with her BF's mother ... surely after having your own place together you wouldn't want to be in a parent's spare room living as 'lodgers'... far easier to live separately or get another rental.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:38

I wouldn’t be “splitting up an adult couple” that’s their choice. They have the choice to stay where they are and save for longer or go to her parents as a couple. They are still young, it’s hardly as if they are in their 40s and last chance to buy.

Plus the house would double overnight and put all my plans on hold for a few years as to what I was going to do with various rooms etc now two had finally moved on.

OP posts:
euff · 07/01/2023 07:40

Having a couple move in is very different to just having your son move back. He was wrong to ask in front of gf no matter how nice she is.

I moved back to mum and dads to save for a deposit when I was 25. My DF said it would always be my home though my DM moved into my room as soon as I was gone. I'm grateful and was never asked to financially contribute though of course I did buy food, cook and clean etc.

My boyfriend didn't have any family to stay with so got the cheapest accommodation he could which was lodgings. We were on very low incomes and living in outer London and his big expense after rent and travel card was going home once a year to see his family and at that time phone cards to call home. It took three years for us to save enough to cover the 15% deposit, solicitors fees etc and still have an emergency amount left over. The way house prices were rising in the area we may have been priced out had we not had the opportunity to move home. We were already commuting 1hr 20 each way from work.

I did actually have as a pp suggested a spreadsheet which was partly for my bf's benefit to show what we needed to get to, how we were going to get there, where we we're currently and keep us on track.

Remona · 07/01/2023 07:41

Asking you with his GF present was massively unfair and tantamount to emotional blackmail.

I absolutely would not have them both. Not a chance. If you’re happy to just have your son back, then I would advise a conversation about timescales and finances and made a firm plan about how long he can stay. He can come home on the proviso that he looks to move out again within 6 months say.

You may be surprised and find that once they realise you’re not going to just roll over, they come up with a plan B.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:42

@TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs Thank you re the point of being livid if they moved in and were still spending money! Likely they would end up eating/going out more to get some alone time and I would be seething inside ha ha.

Just imagine how much stuff they would bring between them too.

OP posts:
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