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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 14:33

Dottymug · 09/01/2023 13:34

Let me get this straight. To ensure the adult kids visit now and then and bring along the grandchildren (are these the same grandchildren who we'll be asked to child-mind for free?), women my age who have spent their entire adult lives bringing up these ruddy children while working full time to pay the bills, have to give up hope of a peaceful retirement and must sacrifice themselves whenever required so their grown-up kids and partners can save money by sponging of us? You're having a laugh, surely?

You are not required to do anything. Once your children reach adulthood you could, if you wanted to completely wash your hands of them have zero contact and do absolutely nothing for them. Go off and live your life however you want, no ones going to stop you. I just think that people are pointing out how you treat them will reflect how they treat you. If you don’t want to be inconvenienced by your ‘ruddy children’ (that you chose to have) you don’t have to be. If you accept that putting zero to minimal effort and love into your relationship with them will mean that they will probably reciprocate with the same attitude towards you then that’s fine. Not everyone wants to have a close relationship with their grandchildren and to some the idea that their children would be involved in their care as they get older would be absolutely horrifying. I just think people are pointing out the consequences that excluding the girlfriend could have. If the OP is happy with that then that’s fine, to each their own. I also really don’t know why people are making this about men vs women. You don’t know what relationship the son has with his father which could mean he asked his mum for help instead. In many cases dads can be just as soft when it comes to helping their kids out, I know mine is! If someone’s going to treat the grandkids it’ll be him even more than nanny! And to be fair to OP she sounds very willing to help her son which is very kind of her.

astarsheis · 09/01/2023 15:28

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 08:47

@LuckySantangelo35 I don’t know what my comment has to do with being a woman? I would have said exactly the same thing if it was the dad writing this post.

If you treat people with kindness and love your much more likely to have a close loving relationship with them than if you don’t. Obviously don’t be a door mat but I think you should try and do as much as you can for your own children even if it’s inconvenient for you.

I can only speak from my own experience. We are very close to my parents (both mum and dad) as they have always been very kind towards us and given me and my husband a huge amount of support. They therefore are very involved in our children’s lives (which they love) and as they are now getting older we are increasingly helping them out. They grew a loving family and both sides reap the benefits.

My husbands parents on the other hand have always kept us at arms length. They are very much of the opinion that although they love their son he is an adult and he now has to make his own way in the world. They are interested in what we are doing but have never offered any practical help and chose to move away from us and the grandkids so don’t have any meaningful relationship with them. They are now getting older and although we do what we can, we don’t really have that type of relationship that we’d pop round and do the shopping and have a cup of tea. We might set up an internet shop or likewise but there’s no personal touch.

As I said you get back what you give out, regardless of if your a man or a woman.

I so agree with you. We had DC and partners back living with us and also for a whole year during lockdown. We are also a close family. They've all moved out but came round for a sleepover on Saturday. I am so grateful for these opportunities. My own mum died when I was 2 years old so I relish every minute i get to spend with my two. They don't stop being your kids just because the have grown up and flown the nest.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 16:01

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 14:33

You are not required to do anything. Once your children reach adulthood you could, if you wanted to completely wash your hands of them have zero contact and do absolutely nothing for them. Go off and live your life however you want, no ones going to stop you. I just think that people are pointing out how you treat them will reflect how they treat you. If you don’t want to be inconvenienced by your ‘ruddy children’ (that you chose to have) you don’t have to be. If you accept that putting zero to minimal effort and love into your relationship with them will mean that they will probably reciprocate with the same attitude towards you then that’s fine. Not everyone wants to have a close relationship with their grandchildren and to some the idea that their children would be involved in their care as they get older would be absolutely horrifying. I just think people are pointing out the consequences that excluding the girlfriend could have. If the OP is happy with that then that’s fine, to each their own. I also really don’t know why people are making this about men vs women. You don’t know what relationship the son has with his father which could mean he asked his mum for help instead. In many cases dads can be just as soft when it comes to helping their kids out, I know mine is! If someone’s going to treat the grandkids it’ll be him even more than nanny! And to be fair to OP she sounds very willing to help her son which is very kind of her.

Show quote history

@SEMPA1234567

“If you accept that putting zero to minimal effort and love into your relationship with them will mean that they will probably reciprocate with the same attitude towards you then that’s fine.“

op certainly cannot be accused of this! She is offering her son the opportunity to live at home and offering some financial assistance just not for his girlfriend to live there too cos that is her boundary.

just cos she’s not going the whole hog and letting them both move in does not mean that she should be treated any worse in her old age by her son does it?

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 16:13

@LuckySantangelo35 I was replying to a comment made by someone else that was suggesting women are expected to act in a certain way towards their children which she seemed to hugely resent. You will see that the last line in my comment says ‘And to be fair to OP she sounds very willing to help her son which is very kind of her’. You should read the whole comment before tagging someone in a reply. They may not treat her any worse or it may cause resentment that the gf was not welcomed by the OP, I have no idea, I don’t know them personally but certainly the possibility is there. It would be something I would consider before giving my son my final decision. Of course OP can set whatever boundaries she wants, I’m just pointing out that there is a possibility that this could cause some upset.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/01/2023 16:16

“If you accept that putting zero to minimal effort and love into your relationship with them will mean that they will probably reciprocate with the same attitude towards you then that’s fine.“

So...... Everything that OP has done for her child for the last 25 years counts for absolutely nothing, does it? That slate is wiped clean? Unless you're on your hands and knees scrubbing the floors after them until you have that final stroke, they are not your children and have no obligations whatsoever?

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 16:17

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 16:13

@LuckySantangelo35 I was replying to a comment made by someone else that was suggesting women are expected to act in a certain way towards their children which she seemed to hugely resent. You will see that the last line in my comment says ‘And to be fair to OP she sounds very willing to help her son which is very kind of her’. You should read the whole comment before tagging someone in a reply. They may not treat her any worse or it may cause resentment that the gf was not welcomed by the OP, I have no idea, I don’t know them personally but certainly the possibility is there. It would be something I would consider before giving my son my final decision. Of course OP can set whatever boundaries she wants, I’m just pointing out that there is a possibility that this could cause some upset.

@SEMPA1234567

you can’t always say yes to your kids though and cant always prevent from them being upset as a result - and nor should we as a parents

rookiemere · 09/01/2023 16:20

This reminds me of the TV series Mum, where Cathy takes in the GF and adds on all the physical and emotional labour at having another young adult in the house.

Apparently unless you're prepared to do everything for your DCs even into adulthood then you're not a proper Mum.

Oh and surely an elderly DP going into a home is dictated by the amount of care required. I love my DPs but they live an hour away, I work and have a teenage DS . I've hardly got buckets of extra capacity for live in caring responsibilities.

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 16:26

@LuckySantangelo35 I completely agree, of course you can’t always say yes, that would do no one any good. She should set whatever boundaries she is comfortable with but the OP was asking for opinions which is what I have given her. A consequence of not saying yes to the gf is it could damage their relationship which could have long term consequences. That doesn’t mean she has to say yes though, just offering another point of view she may not have thought of.

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 16:28

@SpaceshiptoMars I was replying to a comment made by someone else that was suggesting women are expected to act in a certain way towards their children which she seemed to hugely resent. You will see that the last line in my comment says ‘And to be fair to OP she sounds very willing to help her son which is very kind of her’. You should read the whole comment before tagging someone in a reply. They may not treat her any worse or it may cause resentment that the gf was not welcomed by the OP, I have no idea, I don’t know them personally but certainly the possibility is there. It would be something I would consider before giving my son my final decision. Of course OP can set whatever boundaries she wants, I’m just pointing out that there is a possibility that this could cause some upset.

MagpiePi · 09/01/2023 16:30

So if the OP wants to maintain any kind of relationship with her son, she should sign over her house to them and move out, but obviously carry on paying the mortgage and bills and calling in to do the housework for them, and then provide unlimited free baby sitting services when required.
How dare she set any boundaries or want to live her own life. 🙄

Benjispruce4 · 09/01/2023 16:34

I think adult chn need to respect that their parents have lives and dreams beyond being a parent after they leave home.

Dottymug · 09/01/2023 17:43

If you accept that putting zero to minimal effort and love into your relationship with them will mean that they will probably reciprocate with the same attitude towards you then that’s fine. Wow. All those years of bringing them up was hardly minimal effort. Those teenage years were a bloody nightmare, and steering them through to adulthood surely counts for something? Anyway, I have a great relationship with my adult kids, thanks. We love each other to bits and if one of them's struggling I move heaven and earth to help them. But if, with partner in tow, one announced they were planning to move in with me, a retiree living on a fairly low income, to enable them both to save money more quickly, I would feel used and resentful. But apparently, I should just suck it up, or risk never seeing the grandchildren and dying alone in a gutter.

billy1966 · 09/01/2023 18:36

Dottymug · 09/01/2023 17:43

If you accept that putting zero to minimal effort and love into your relationship with them will mean that they will probably reciprocate with the same attitude towards you then that’s fine. Wow. All those years of bringing them up was hardly minimal effort. Those teenage years were a bloody nightmare, and steering them through to adulthood surely counts for something? Anyway, I have a great relationship with my adult kids, thanks. We love each other to bits and if one of them's struggling I move heaven and earth to help them. But if, with partner in tow, one announced they were planning to move in with me, a retiree living on a fairly low income, to enable them both to save money more quickly, I would feel used and resentful. But apparently, I should just suck it up, or risk never seeing the grandchildren and dying alone in a gutter.

Apparently so!🙄

Good to know that the pre 27 years the OP put in rearing him meant little.🤷🏻‍♀️

I think those relationships sound very transactional.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2023 18:58

MagpiePi · 09/01/2023 16:30

So if the OP wants to maintain any kind of relationship with her son, she should sign over her house to them and move out, but obviously carry on paying the mortgage and bills and calling in to do the housework for them, and then provide unlimited free baby sitting services when required.
How dare she set any boundaries or want to live her own life. 🙄

You're being ridiculously over the top in how you're viewing and describing it. "Sign over her house", "provide unlimited free babysitting services". Give over.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2023 19:01

Benjispruce4 · 09/01/2023 16:34

I think adult chn need to respect that their parents have lives and dreams beyond being a parent after they leave home.

hardly applies to OP,she just wants to sit on the sofa watching crap telly apparently. Up to her, obviously, but I don't see how having a son and his gf would stop her doing that anyway.

Ragwort · 09/01/2023 19:05

Totally agree with Dotty, I have an adult DS and no way would I be enabling him to live at home with a GF, different if he was on his own. If that means he doesn't want a relationship with me - so be it ... I would hope he had more respect than that. My siblings and I have always had a very healthy relationship with our DPs despite no "partners" being allowed to move in, it's about respecting boundaries and accepting that parents are fully entitled to their own lifestyle choices in their own home.

I've seen too many friends being taken advantage of by their "adult" Hmm children.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2023 19:20

Good to know that the pre 27 years the OP put in rearing him meant little.🤷🏻‍♀️
I think those relationships sound very transactional.

It's YOU who is looking at it as transactions, you're suggesting that you've "done your bit" being a parent once your child reaches a certain age and then it's almost literally shutting the door on them and wiping your hands clean. What about helping a family member out in their time of need simply because you enjoy close and loving family relationships with them and that's what people like to do for people they love and enjoy being with? They enjoy sharing their life with them. To have these imaginary cut offs in someone's life where you consider your "job done" and you have no further role to play is a bit odd if you enjoy them being part of your family.

By all means if you don't enjoy your adult child's (or their partner's) personality, behaviour or company for more than short bursts, and they would drive you mad, then I can understand not wanting to live with them. But own it. Tell them that you don't get on with them enough to want to live with them for a year or two. If you don't want to compromise anymore in any of your daily routines or preferences and just want your house to yourself with no-one else in it then own it, tell them that. But to have this imaginary cut off attitude of "my work here is done" is strangely transactional. It's "I brought you into the world as a child, you're no longer a child, so now fuck off, you're on your own." It's not like they're going to come running back when you get older and decide you're feeling lonely, is it, because they've been taught that being there for each other isn't really part of your values.

ellyeth · 09/01/2023 19:54

I think what you suggest is sensible. Even if you get on well with his girlfriend, it is quite difficult to live with people outside your own family - and even when it's your own family there can be problems.

Sennelier1 · 09/01/2023 19:55

@comingintomyown , oh but I don't feel as if I must! I have raised my children the best I could and don't feel I "owe" them anything, or as you phrase it : "This idea that because you are a parent and therefore you owe your DC for life is ridiculous. " But I think it still is allowed to want to take them in? It's just who I am, how I am. I know I can do this - and without having a nervous breakdown, nor will my children demolish our nice home. After all, it's only temporary!

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 20:04

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2023 19:01

hardly applies to OP,she just wants to sit on the sofa watching crap telly apparently. Up to her, obviously, but I don't see how having a son and his gf would stop her doing that anyway.

Show quote history

@CurlyhairedAssassin

“hardly applies to OP,she just wants to sit on the sofa watching crap telly apparently”

how dare she?! she could be doing the laundry or washing up or cooking for her adult CHILDREN

honestly - call herself a mother!!

lol

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