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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
LetsDoThis2023 · 07/01/2023 09:14

Hopefully I can phrase it nicely face to face but I can almost guarantee that them moving in for a few years has a much much higher risk of damaging future relations

@Rafting2022 then you are probably right 🤷🏼‍♀️

LetsDoThis2023 · 07/01/2023 09:14

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:13

“But that's not to say I think that my FIL was incorrect in his decision not to help us all those years ago“

I think our ideas of helping are different. I’m offering him a place to live and money towards a deposit.

Im not prepared to spend the next x years modifying my behaviour in my own home.

If he or she chooses to take offence at that, so be it.

I think you've got your answer then.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:15

Remona · 07/01/2023 09:11

I’m on my own and my adult DS moved out to live with his girlfriend. I loved it. The privacy and the freedom. I could do as I pleased. I swore that I’d never let him move back.

Of course it went pear shaped and he arrived on my doorstep in tears asking to come home. What could I do? It was just as I was sitting down with a large g&t ready to watch a film too 😉

It wasn’t just that my privacy and freedom were gone, but he came back with a load of furniture so now the house is cluttered and it drives me nuts. He is in no rush to leave although he’s got a massive amount saved up. It’s too easy, cheap and comfortable at home.

I know full well he won’t have asked his father and mums are considered the soft touch. Whenever he mentions anything I say “go and ask your father, see if they’ll do that for you” and of course he won’t because he knows the answer would be no. If I’m honest, it grinds my gears that his father has his freedom and I’m stuck still playing mum. I hugely regret not laying down boundaries regarding a timescale when he moved back. It might sound mean but it’s true.

Of course you want to support your children but it is not easy having them back at home. When I can eventually get him to leave, I will be making it crystal clear that he won’t be coming back.

Yes to everything you’ve said here, especially the clutter which I’d just managed to get rid of - I’m so stressed and tearful about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Thisbastardcomputer · 07/01/2023 09:17

My son returned from 3 years living abroad and virtually forced me into having his girlfriend live at our house, I'd met her once for 10 minutes.

It didn't go well at all, her and I were like chalk and cheese.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:18

teachingbean · 07/01/2023 09:14

I imagine he is very much of the opinion that as you did it for one then it is only fair for him but yes, a GF in the mix adds a whole new layer.

It is harsh to say no whilst another son still lives at home too.

Is the other son the youngest?

Yes the other son is the youngest. The son in question has been back home previously for a few years post-uni - he moved out to live with his gf in March.

I am happy to support him but there are a lot more questions to be asked and understanding of the finances. I’m just not prepared to host a couple.

OP posts:
DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 07/01/2023 09:19

OP, your trepidation is fully understandable, but I think you need to tread really carefully in talking to your son.

You really can’t say ‘just you, not her’ and expect that not to have a lasting impact.

And he will look at the support you gave his brother.

I think fair enough to say you have concerns about living long term with an adult couple as that will be a different dynamic to having your offspring back.

Personally, for a fixed period, and with firm expectations set out in advance, I would try and make it work. But if it can’t, see what else you can do to help them. Does he know you could offer a sum towards the deposit?

LumpyandBumps · 07/01/2023 09:19

My late teens and early twenties children still live with me and as I haven’t had the experience of getting my home to myself, I would happily have one of their partners stay whilst they saved a deposit to buy somewhere, rather than them taking on a rented place together.
I wouldn’t expect them to live frugally, not buying clothes or having occasional nights out, as long as they saved a decent amount. I would want to implement an overall time limit of maybe 18 months.
That said we are all different and from what you have written I don’t think you should have them in your home. You are perfectly entitled to make whatever decision works best for you. It sounds like you would resent them spending a penny on anything you don’t deem essential, and that, along with their physical presence interfering with what you quite reasonably want to do in your own home, will lead to upset.
I don’t think there is any reason to put yourself, or them, through that. Maybe a compromise is to offer your son a home and rather than have a flexible 2-3 days per week for his gf to stay have set days, which is easier to monitor, OR employ the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend ’ rule used by some landladies that the gf can only stay over as many nights as your stays at hers.
Do what is right for you. We are all entitled to put our needs first sometimes.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 07/01/2023 09:19

Don't be stressed - end of the day the ball is in your court not theirs!

Have they looked at renting somewhere cheaper/smaller like a bedsit for a while while they save? Sounds like they just expect you to say "yes that's fine" without even really considering options which isn't fair on you,
Stick to your guns op.

IceStationStallion · 07/01/2023 09:19

My friend had this - first the couple then the first baby then the second. It was a nightmare. She was constantly involved in their lives. Both were trying to work with aid of Grandmas to babysit but then the pair were exhausted and living on fast food and takeaways all the time. It lasted for 4 years. I agree with the people who say son only as this was what was offered to his brother.

Oliotya · 07/01/2023 09:20

I think you will struggle to not cause a falling out. If one has just moved out and another still lives at home it's a bit mean to say no to this one. I would take it personally.

vvvvb · 07/01/2023 09:21

Our DS and future DIL (they are getting married next year) came back to live with us during COVID to save for a house, and it is fine we all get on really well BUT we have quite a large house over several floors and spread out within the floors so have separate lounges etc and we have separate floors for bedrooms/bathrooms due to the extensions we built onto it

So just the kitchen is shared but separate fridges etc, sometimes we eat together but most of the time separately.

She works from home 3 days a week from her office and we are both retired.

So it can work really well but understand that every situation is different SmileSmileSmile

Mariposa26 · 07/01/2023 09:24

SunshineAndFizz · 07/01/2023 08:50

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'd do it. I can't imagine my mum ever saying no to this - generally we all help each other whenever we can.

Absolutely have rules in place - get them to give you their savings in rent in month, have house rules agreed and a timeframe etc., but personally I'd do it.

Totally agree with this. I can’t believe some of these comments about being “outnumbered” - this is your child and his partner. Such a strange attitude.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 09:28

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:07

If you were telling me that the partner i have been living with wasn’t welcome, I wouldn’t take it well tbh.
esp at the age they are - would be different they were early 20s.

My answer would be no thank you. What a shame you dint want to support us.

You wouldn't take it well? What exactly does that mean? You'd make their life hell?

UpUpAndAwol · 07/01/2023 09:29

LetsDoThis2023 · 07/01/2023 09:00

A different perspective...

20 years ago, my BF and I asked if we could move in with my parents when we needed some time to get jobs, save up a deposit etc... although none of us wanted to live together forever, it was fine & we had some nice quality times together. We had also asked my BF's parents this favour. His DM said "of course" but his DF said he wasn't happy about it. BF found this quite hurtful at the time.

BF is now my DH and father of their grandchildren. My parents are now octogenarians and moved in with us recently for 6 months, whilst they reconfigured their home, to enable them to stay there as they age & avoid moving / care homes etc.

We didn't hesitate to offer. Again, it's not a situation any of us would ideally like to be permanent, but it was precious to have this time with my elderly parents and my children together under one roof. There is a special bond between us all as a family.

We would not have my in-laws to stay for that length of time, it would drive us all nuts. But that's not to say I think that my FIL was incorrect in his decision not to help us all those years ago. We have a very different relationship, due to the personalities involved. DH is very close to my parents and would do anything for them and they for him.

I have a very good relationship with my In-laws but they are hard work.
The kids love all grandparents lots.
So, I suppose my advice is, to do what you think is right for you OP, but maybe think about the kind pf relationship you have / want to have with your son going forward.

DH would not have stayed at his parents without me, had they suggested it back then.

Yes, this is what I was getting at. We also have had my in-laws to stay for extended periods of time and I guess 20 years ago they never imagined it would happen. It’s about how this is tackled and how the relationship works moving forward. If you don’t want them to move in then of course say no but I think from experience saying no to only her will cause more issues than saying no to both.

MistletoeandBaileys · 07/01/2023 09:29

I wouldn’t OP. My husband and I before we got married were saving for a deposit and rather than actually move in together we stayed in each others houses a couple of nights a week. It was hard at times but it worked for us.

After we got married I moved up with him to his fathers house. Middle of covid and our house purchase paused and restarted numerous times!

It was supposed to be a maximum of three months we stayed there and it ended up being a year. And I can honestly say it nearly broke our marriage. I hated everything about it. I didn’t have my own space to cook, I ended up the default cleaner and when I did a grocery shop I had two shelves in the fridge to use. It was a nightmare.

Within a month of moving into our home we actually started to feel like newly weds. I get in great with his dad now but Jesus that year was hard. I nearly moved home again and divorced.

So, I agree with you in that your son moves home to you and saves up.

Youcancallmenighthawk · 07/01/2023 09:31

@SunshineAndFizz same, you just do for family in my experience. Me and my husband moved down south for his career straight out of uni and it gave him valuable experience and opportunities but when I got pregnant with our first we decided to move back so I wouldn't be alone bringing up the baby. For a few months, while we were looking for somewhere to live, we split our time (always stayed together) between my parents and his and it was fine. My parents have a tiny 3 bed new build and my sisters were still at home but together, they made it work for us. I cooked most nights, cleaned, we contributed to shopping and bills. I will always be grateful for their sacrifice, I still thank them 7 years on and will be willing to do it for my own boys when the time comes.

I hope it's not a case of you not liking the girlfriend OP, my MIL didn't like me and made me feel unwelcome (we ended up not staying there as much tbf)

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 09:34

I think you are completely right to say no.

Put it this way to them: how would they like it if you moved in with them into the new house together?

Mischance · 07/01/2023 09:37

You let one son do this, so it would be likely to cause a rift if you say no to another. And I am not sure what the problem with girlfriend is. I would let them stay with some firm financial arrangement, till they move on to GF's parents' home.

We had DD and BF with us for a long time and it was a joy. Really got to know her future OH and have had a great relationship with him ever since, now that they have their own home and children.

I think you have to be fair.

WandaWonder · 07/01/2023 09:39

Maybe this is a novel idea but what is wrong with living together as a couple in your own place then getting/having a baby in whatever order before having to live at home with one set of parents or asap single person

What is wrong with the idea of adult children making grown decisions independently of their parents?

If you need to rent then rent but surely parents have the right to have have their home back and to live the life they as they want?

Having the idea 'oh let's get married, and ttc and just live with my or your parents' is not fair

roarfeckingroarr · 07/01/2023 09:39

From your last post it seems you've only just gotten rid of him less than a year ago.

As he's moved back in previously, I think that sort of negates your need to say yes on grounds of fairness after letting the other son stay.

It's your home. It sounds like you finally have plans in place to have it how you want. You're allowed to say no - especially when he's already had a stint back at home.

ImBlueDab · 07/01/2023 09:39

I think because you did this for one son, you should do it for this one

Think about boundaries and how you could make it work.

Did your other son bring his gf?

Greenfairydust · 07/01/2023 09:39

Completely agree with you not to let them move in as a couple.

The GF should seek to stay with a family member too.

Put a timescale on the move as well: 6 months maximum.

Maybe tell him you will only charge him a small amount to cover a share of the bills and food and that in return you expect him to save all the rest of his money for that period of 6 months toward a deposit.

Because you allowed his brother to do this it would be unfair not to help him but I don't see why you need to have the girlfriend in your house.

If they want to live together at all cost they can continue to rent.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:39

Where have I said I don’t like the gf @Youcancallmenighthawk? I said in my first post she’s lovely and we get on great.

That doesn’t mean I want to live with her.

And I want to make sure we come through this on good terms which I think has potential for damage if we all live together.

Unlike a PP we don’t have a large house over several floors - it’s a 3-bed.

I also don’t got the points about having offered help to one son, I can’t turn down this request. I can surely offer help on the same terms as son 1 which I’m more than happy to do - accommodation and money towards a deposit.

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 07/01/2023 09:42

Could the GF moveback to her parents' and your son move in with you to start with, and then when the other family member moves out of the GF's parents' your son can move in with them?

It sounds to me like they are just looking a you as a cheap option without considering that you have your own life.

gogohmm · 07/01/2023 09:42

We have adult dc plus boyfriends here, it's fine, everyone gets along. The unwritten rule is we get to decide on the tv and mostly they spend evenings upstairs. I cook for all as can't be dealing with separate meals, but they do make own breakfast and lunch unless i specifically offer them food.

I'm pretty chilled though, prefer the hubbub to the quiet of just us, not ready for empty nest. (Had it during term times before dsd finished)