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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:45

Ragwort · 07/01/2023 07:27

I have an adult DS and would not invite him to move in with a GF ... being brutally honest I would also find it difficult if he moved back in on his own.

This is exactly how I feel. His brother moved out less than a month ago and I was so excited for the plans I have with what to do with the extra space plus how much less stuff there now is.

OP posts:
GeorgeorRuth · 07/01/2023 07:46

Our son and his new wife did this. My advice would be to set in stone expectations.

DS and DIL bought and cooked their own food. Cooked for us quite frequently. They did tend to live in their room so we did have a certain amount of privacy. They paid a nominal amount towards bills.it worked fine. They stayed a year.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:48

To be honest them buying and cooking their own food is one of the main reasons it’s going to be a no. Having a rota for cooking in my own kitchen in my 50s? Every day of the week and potentially three times a day at weekends? Shared cupboard and fridge space? Fuck that!

OP posts:
sleepwhenyouaredead · 07/01/2023 07:51

We did it and it worked for us but very much depends on the dynamics and how much space you have.
It's tricky as high rents really make saving he deposit hard and potentially house prices may come down.
Offer to help with the deposit will take the heat out of saying no though.

cushioncovers · 07/01/2023 07:54

I would always have my own kids back but as others have said I would encourage the gf to move back in with her parents and then stay a few nights at yours. Your son Can also stay a few night at his gf house.

cushioncovers · 07/01/2023 07:55

I would add, give them a time limit if you're are frustrated at loosing the space you had just gained. That way you know it's not forever.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:57

Thanks all this has really helped. He is welcome to move back but there will have to be a financial plan, a limit on how many nights she stays over and a timescale on the whole thing.

OP posts:
Blankscreen · 07/01/2023 07:58

I think a lot depends on how big you house is as well.

Would they have a separate bathroom?

They will save a lot of money by moving home but I certainly don't think you are unreasonable to say just him not his girlfriend.

You also need to set clear expectations re the use of the kitchen and clearing up etc.

DSS lives with us and is 18 and ends up making food a different times and just faffing around in the kitchen a lot. He clears up but it fucking irritates the hell out of me.

boboshmobo · 07/01/2023 07:59

Also think of the financial burden on you for utilities .. he saves money , you spend it . That's not fair !

If he is going to save I suggest you decide the amount of the rent he was spending and keep it yourself in a bank account and have a strict timescale !

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:00

Problem with timescales though is that these things inevitably take longer than planned. When his brother bought, it took 7 months from making the offer to moving in. Probably a year from having enough money to finding the right property. And that was without anything going wrong.

Even if a timescale is agreed, how do you enforce it? Throw them out on the street?

I will also be enquiring as to why he hasn’t asked his dad the same question!

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 07/01/2023 08:00

Unless you tell me his brother lived with his girlfriend at your house - I think he is asking for too much.
Personally, if you had the money I would consider offering them an interest free loan towards the deposit that they paid back after the house is sold. Offer your other son the same. Your freedom is too valuable!

WandaWonder · 07/01/2023 08:01

If your first son lived at home alone fair for your second son

Not fulltime for the gf I would say, there is a big difference with children living at home and partners

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 08:04

If you have them split up it will motivate them to save. They could get comfortable if they were together and a bit lax.

Personally it would be a no from me. Once they're gone, they don't get to come back.

sageandrosemary · 07/01/2023 08:05

My parents did this for both me and DP and then my brother and his gf. It'd have been much harder than it already was to get on the property ladder had she not done so I'm very grateful and would do the same for my children.

OhOneOhTwoOhThree · 07/01/2023 08:06

I think that all sounds very wise @Rafting2022 Definitely worth putting a time limit in the arrangement if you can. My young adult DS and his girlfriend moved in with us during the first lockdown and are still here (to be fair, they have been buying a house since last summer but there have been endless delays). It’s been great having them, but we all need our own space.

PearlclutchersInc · 07/01/2023 08:07

Yours is the right approach. I can't begin to imagine the difficulties of living with my partner's parents/living with my child's partner.

And if course how long would this be for....

Ragwort · 07/01/2023 08:07

I totally agree that having someone else cooking and storing food in my kitchen would be a nightmare... bad enough sharing with my DH! I want to eat what I want, when I want ... not having to have a 'rota' for whose turn it is to cook ... arguing over the washing up etc etc!

And the point about young adults 'spending' frivolously is really tricky ... I feel that my DS 'wastes' money on unnecessary purchases and I bite my tongue ... but if I was allowing him and a GF to live 'cheaply' with me on the understanding that they were meant to be saving I think I would find it very hard. And yes, I am aware of the double standards .. no doubt my own DM thinks I spend 'frivolously' on some things .. but I am not living in her home Grin

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:07

If you were telling me that the partner i have been living with wasn’t welcome, I wouldn’t take it well tbh.
esp at the age they are - would be different they were early 20s.

My answer would be no thank you. What a shame you dint want to support us.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:08

Agreed on the point of him saving money at my expense plus the potential for irritation whenever he spends money on anything I think isn’t essential!

His brother lived incredibly frugally to be able to save quickly - no holidays, barely went out, hardly bought anything but essentials. This son is different. I’m not convinced they couldn’t just stay where they are and cut down considerably. I might have more sympathy “As you can see we have really been living a basic life but we’re still not managing to save so we have been thinking of a plan B”..

I don’t want to have to scrutinise my adult son’s spending habits but this is going to shine a spotlight on it and wind me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:11

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:07

If you were telling me that the partner i have been living with wasn’t welcome, I wouldn’t take it well tbh.
esp at the age they are - would be different they were early 20s.

My answer would be no thank you. What a shame you dint want to support us.

… as opposed to them moving in and it ruining the relationship for life? I’ve never said I don’t want to support them, I just don’t have to roll over and agree to whatever his first suggestion is, especially at my own expense, financial and sanity wise.

There needs to be much more discussion before anything is agreed.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 07/01/2023 08:11

But why did you have to live with your BF in your parents' home Sage surely you could have both lived separately in your own family homes and still saved up? It's not essential to have to cohabit .. and certainly not in someone else's home. In my opinion if you are mature enough to want to live together then you sort out your own place.

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 08:13

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:07

If you were telling me that the partner i have been living with wasn’t welcome, I wouldn’t take it well tbh.
esp at the age they are - would be different they were early 20s.

My answer would be no thank you. What a shame you dint want to support us.

Even better outcome. I'd laugh at that kind of emotional blackmail and be saying grow up.

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:15

Regardless of whether your other son lived frugally or not, he STILL saved money at your expense!!

Also if refer her to his partner, not his gf. They have in together, are organising themselves to buy a house etc.. they are not gf/bf stage.
If you now think about them as life partners (or husband and wife), does the idea of ‘splitting them up’ as if they were children feel ok?

Tbh from your last post, I don’t think you want YOUR SON to live with you but you aware that this will ,look very unfair.
Don’t his gf as the reason.
Nit sure what you can say to your son about the real reason for your decision though.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:16

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 08:04

If you have them split up it will motivate them to save. They could get comfortable if they were together and a bit lax.

Personally it would be a no from me. Once they're gone, they don't get to come back.

See I kind of agree with this - they moved out less than a year ago, did they expect to have saved enough for a deposit during that time? Has this all been sparked by his brother just buying his own place? I would rather have to save up a couple of years longer than move back in with my parents in my 20s!

OP posts:
Irisheyesareshining · 07/01/2023 08:19

No, it won’t work . Son yes but not girlfriend !

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