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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 01:35

I can understand why you’re not thrilled by the idea of them both moving in together but I’d probably agree to it (probably put a time limit on it, 6 months, a year etc). Thinking long term they will both remember how you treated them when they needed your help. The girlfriend will especially remember how welcome (or not) you made her feel and it will effect the closeness of your relationship going forward. In years to come when grandkids arrive and you may want to visit and be a part of their family you may also be made to feel unwelcome. Looking even further down the line you may even require the help and kindness of your son and his gf as you get older. You get back what you give out.

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 04:04

ShadowPuppets · 07/01/2023 07:30

Personally I would do it. It’s not right to split up an adult couple who had previously been living together. I suspect he won’t do it if that’s the condition, and for seeing my kids on the property ladder would be a great reassurance that they were settled. And while the gf issue is different, the fact you allowed his brother to do this means I really think you need to allow him the same.

Full disclosure - my parents hosted my then BF (now DH) and I for six months after we put in an offer to buy until completion. We saved £8k in that time which basically furnished our first flat, and I’m incredibly grateful. If they’d said bf couldn’t have come with me, I’d have had to do a short term let (landlord was selling up) and it would have been a shit 6 months in expensive accommodation followed by a shit 6 months while we saved for furniture.

Agree.

Surprised that people here think it's okay to split up a couple in their late 20s who live together. They're not teenagers. Treating both of your children the same is incredibly important.

If my mother said no in this situation, I would be incredibly hurt, and would feel like our relationship was coasting towards an end to be honest.

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 04:07

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:48

To be honest them buying and cooking their own food is one of the main reasons it’s going to be a no. Having a rota for cooking in my own kitchen in my 50s? Every day of the week and potentially three times a day at weekends? Shared cupboard and fridge space? Fuck that!

I'm afraid you should prepare yourself to have a distant, lesser relationship with this son. You've made it clear where your priorities lie.

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 04:10

ManyNameChanges · 07/01/2023 08:15

Regardless of whether your other son lived frugally or not, he STILL saved money at your expense!!

Also if refer her to his partner, not his gf. They have in together, are organising themselves to buy a house etc.. they are not gf/bf stage.
If you now think about them as life partners (or husband and wife), does the idea of ‘splitting them up’ as if they were children feel ok?

Tbh from your last post, I don’t think you want YOUR SON to live with you but you aware that this will ,look very unfair.
Don’t his gf as the reason.
Nit sure what you can say to your son about the real reason for your decision though.

Seconded.

Rabbitsandhabits · 09/01/2023 07:22

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 04:07

I'm afraid you should prepare yourself to have a distant, lesser relationship with this son. You've made it clear where your priorities lie.

Show quote history

What a ridiculous and unkind comment. OP is perfectly ok to find her boundaries and she offered the son to come home and live just not the couple.

it all sounded very amicable and mature and no hard feelings. Why you feel the need to suggest the OP has now somehow doomed herself to a miserably relationship with him in the future is just you being cruel for now reason.

HoppingPavlova · 09/01/2023 07:30

It would be a hard no from me. I have mine living at home due to saving to get a suitable property (modest flat but not over 1.5 hours of commuting per day). Happy with this but no way I’d be having a partner as well. It would change the dynamics of my household. The only way it would happen is if DH and I chose to go travelling for 6 months or so and they could both stay during that time, but that isn’t happening anytime soon here.

HoppingPavlova · 09/01/2023 07:41

@CurlyhairedAssassin I can't bear this attitude. It's very cold. She will be family, why not treat her as such?

Because it will still be different. With my (adult) kids, we live as we always have done. Nuddy runs from shower to bedrooms, fart while sitting next to the person on the sofa, I sing loudly (and really badly) while doing stuff around the house etc. Add someone who is not a core family member in and all of this changes and while getting dressed in the bathroom, not popping one out on the sofa and not singing badly with abandon may not seem like a big deal, it’s this sort of stuff that makes your home YOUR home that you are comfortable in. Taking that comfort level out in my own home wouldn’t be ideal for myself or others in the home also used to it, that’s not being cold.

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 07:53

Well said @Rabbitsandhabits

So many comments on how they will “remember how you treated them”!

OP has already said she is going to offer financial help. Not all parents do that, even if they can.

As a PP said, this couple is not destitute. They have lots and lots of options. The OP is just one of those and she’s allowed a life, too.

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 08:15

I'm being frank, not cruel. OP has asked for help making a difficult decision. I'm informing her of a possible outcome.

Boundaries are not the issue. It's the responsibility to one's family. OP seems mainly inconvenienced by her son (and his partner, who is his family, too, now). She also seems to have a hard time understanding or feeling sympathy for his predicament. She's expressed her doubts about his financial needs several times here.

I'm offering perspective as one who's also been unwanted in the family home. If she's thinking about refusing her son, with or without his partner, she should be ready to accept the possibly fallout that comes with that decision.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 08:19

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 04:07

I'm afraid you should prepare yourself to have a distant, lesser relationship with this son. You've made it clear where your priorities lie.

Show quote history

@jollyroll

the message you give here is really damaging

basically you’re saying that if you’re a woman you can only keep people close to you and be loveable if you completely sacrifice your own wants and needs.

it’s not a message that men ever really get

think about it

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 08:20

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 01:35

I can understand why you’re not thrilled by the idea of them both moving in together but I’d probably agree to it (probably put a time limit on it, 6 months, a year etc). Thinking long term they will both remember how you treated them when they needed your help. The girlfriend will especially remember how welcome (or not) you made her feel and it will effect the closeness of your relationship going forward. In years to come when grandkids arrive and you may want to visit and be a part of their family you may also be made to feel unwelcome. Looking even further down the line you may even require the help and kindness of your son and his gf as you get older. You get back what you give out.

@SEMPA1234567

the message you give here is really damaging

basically, you’re saying that if you’re a woman you can only keep people close to you and be loveable if you completely sacrifice your own wants and needs.

it’s not a message that men ever really get

think about it

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 08:21

MeridianB · 09/01/2023 07:53

Well said @Rabbitsandhabits

So many comments on how they will “remember how you treated them”!

OP has already said she is going to offer financial help. Not all parents do that, even if they can.

As a PP said, this couple is not destitute. They have lots and lots of options. The OP is just one of those and she’s allowed a life, too.

This!!

I really don’t see how anyone can argue with this

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 08:22

It must be so stressful for some parents - essentially living in fear that if they don’t comply with their offsprings every whim they will go no contact, not let them see the grandkids and put them in a home when they’re old.

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 08:29

"decide they need to save money"

I'm seeing lots of comments in this thread from people who seem to be completely out of touch with the current housing crisis and cost of living crisis we're going through. For couples in their 20s and 30s it is very difficult to get an affordable home - or get a home at all. Things have changed from the times when it seems many people here bought their own homes.

Saving money for a home is not something you do on a whim, for kicks. It is difficult for many people to meet ends meet right now. For young couples, who are trying to start a family or to have more than the most modest of living situations, moving back in with family may be an essential lifeline.

The coldness and indifference of many women here, presumably mothers, to their own children, is quite sad indeed.

It's really not that out of the question or uncommon for adult children to have to move back home these days.
BBC: Moving back in with the parents
BBC: Soaring prices: 'I may have to move back in with my parents'

jollyroll · 09/01/2023 08:31

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 08:19

@jollyroll

the message you give here is really damaging

basically you’re saying that if you’re a woman you can only keep people close to you and be loveable if you completely sacrifice your own wants and needs.

it’s not a message that men ever really get

think about it

Show quote history

I never said being a woman had anything to do with it. It's about being a parent. I have no clue what the story is with the father of OP's children.

SEMPA1234567 · 09/01/2023 08:47

@LuckySantangelo35 I don’t know what my comment has to do with being a woman? I would have said exactly the same thing if it was the dad writing this post.

If you treat people with kindness and love your much more likely to have a close loving relationship with them than if you don’t. Obviously don’t be a door mat but I think you should try and do as much as you can for your own children even if it’s inconvenient for you.

I can only speak from my own experience. We are very close to my parents (both mum and dad) as they have always been very kind towards us and given me and my husband a huge amount of support. They therefore are very involved in our children’s lives (which they love) and as they are now getting older we are increasingly helping them out. They grew a loving family and both sides reap the benefits.

My husbands parents on the other hand have always kept us at arms length. They are very much of the opinion that although they love their son he is an adult and he now has to make his own way in the world. They are interested in what we are doing but have never offered any practical help and chose to move away from us and the grandkids so don’t have any meaningful relationship with them. They are now getting older and although we do what we can, we don’t really have that type of relationship that we’d pop round and do the shopping and have a cup of tea. We might set up an internet shop or likewise but there’s no personal touch.

As I said you get back what you give out, regardless of if your a man or a woman.

Nsenene · 09/01/2023 09:01

HoppingPavlova · 09/01/2023 07:41

@CurlyhairedAssassin I can't bear this attitude. It's very cold. She will be family, why not treat her as such?

Because it will still be different. With my (adult) kids, we live as we always have done. Nuddy runs from shower to bedrooms, fart while sitting next to the person on the sofa, I sing loudly (and really badly) while doing stuff around the house etc. Add someone who is not a core family member in and all of this changes and while getting dressed in the bathroom, not popping one out on the sofa and not singing badly with abandon may not seem like a big deal, it’s this sort of stuff that makes your home YOUR home that you are comfortable in. Taking that comfort level out in my own home wouldn’t be ideal for myself or others in the home also used to it, that’s not being cold.

That's a strange attachment to unnecessary public farting.

Greentrees77 · 09/01/2023 09:46

I guess it depends on your relationship with your son. Pre marriage, kids and house, my husband and I rented and were struggling to save a house deposit as quickly as house prices were rising.
There was no way my Mum would ever have let my husband and I move in with her. However we did move in with my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law. It was supposed to be 6 months but ended up about 8 months. It wasn’t always easy as my husband and his Step Dad didn’t have a great relationship. But I can honestly say it bought us all so much closer in the long run.
I mean I’m certain they were happy to see us move out, and the feeling was mutual (we hugely missed having our own place!) but it was a means to an end, and we will be forever great full to his parents for helping us get on the housing ladder. I especially appreciate his family taking me in and treating me like a daughter.
I expect your son will resent you saying he can move in but not his partner. It might be worth thinking about the positives that could come out of this situation and not just the negatives. It wouldn’t be forever afterall…

HoppingPavlova · 09/01/2023 09:48

It’s just a representative example of things you do because you are comfortable in your own home that you wouldn’t be able to do with a kids partner there. If you really want things to pick apart, we don’t flush the toilet of a night after most of us have gone to sleep. Obviously if we have a guest stay then we do, and everyone hates it as it wakes people up as they are not used to a flushing sound during the night. If we had a kids partner stay, we would flush. Of course for someone staying an odd here and there we could all cope as we do when guests stay but if you are talking 6mths/a year, that would wear pretty thin pretty quickly and it’s this sort of thing that leads to inner angst.

To me, the not singing would be the worst but hey, you made it about the farting……

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 10:34

HoppingPavlova · 09/01/2023 09:48

It’s just a representative example of things you do because you are comfortable in your own home that you wouldn’t be able to do with a kids partner there. If you really want things to pick apart, we don’t flush the toilet of a night after most of us have gone to sleep. Obviously if we have a guest stay then we do, and everyone hates it as it wakes people up as they are not used to a flushing sound during the night. If we had a kids partner stay, we would flush. Of course for someone staying an odd here and there we could all cope as we do when guests stay but if you are talking 6mths/a year, that would wear pretty thin pretty quickly and it’s this sort of thing that leads to inner angst.

To me, the not singing would be the worst but hey, you made it about the farting……

@HoppingPavlova

farting is way worse than singing

singing doesn’t stink

“popping one out on the sofa” …if you’re all doing that - do you not have a really stinky living room?

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 11:34

Oh and to those saying it’s not about being a woman
its interesting that OP’s son came to her and not his dad isn’t it..

bluepencils1 · 09/01/2023 12:46

I wouldn't allow them both back no. DP's cousin moved back in with his parents with his girlfriend after ending his tenancy around 2 years ago. He's 32 and has no intentions of moving out anytime soon, not until the house prices massively decrease which isn't guaranteed. His mum hates it, they are constantly around as he WFH and girlfriend lies in bed all day (has PT bar job). They both contribute nothing, no housework at all, no money at all. Sounds like hell. I think your suggestion is reasonable or just him moving back and her staying over occasionally but ensure an end date is discussed.

Dottymug · 09/01/2023 13:34

Let me get this straight. To ensure the adult kids visit now and then and bring along the grandchildren (are these the same grandchildren who we'll be asked to child-mind for free?), women my age who have spent their entire adult lives bringing up these ruddy children while working full time to pay the bills, have to give up hope of a peaceful retirement and must sacrifice themselves whenever required so their grown-up kids and partners can save money by sponging of us? You're having a laugh, surely?

Liorae · 09/01/2023 13:38

Dottymug · 09/01/2023 13:34

Let me get this straight. To ensure the adult kids visit now and then and bring along the grandchildren (are these the same grandchildren who we'll be asked to child-mind for free?), women my age who have spent their entire adult lives bringing up these ruddy children while working full time to pay the bills, have to give up hope of a peaceful retirement and must sacrifice themselves whenever required so their grown-up kids and partners can save money by sponging of us? You're having a laugh, surely?

Shut up, you're a woman. Your job is to serve your children and their "partners" and smile. Oh, and your money isn't yours, it's their "inheritance".

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 14:14

Dottymug · 09/01/2023 13:34

Let me get this straight. To ensure the adult kids visit now and then and bring along the grandchildren (are these the same grandchildren who we'll be asked to child-mind for free?), women my age who have spent their entire adult lives bringing up these ruddy children while working full time to pay the bills, have to give up hope of a peaceful retirement and must sacrifice themselves whenever required so their grown-up kids and partners can save money by sponging of us? You're having a laugh, surely?

Yep that’s what some women on here seem to think !

let them crack on is what I think!

but you only get one life and you’re a long time dead