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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

345 replies

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 07:07

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:47

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 07/01/2023 08:41

For some reason I really empathise with you op. I think we are around the same age. I am really rooting for you to put your own needs and rights ahead of you fully grown son and his gf.
I expect you have already supported him for 27 years.
I just wanted to offer my support, random Internet person that I am. And I bet he hasn't asked his dad yet because of you know patriarchy!

I really appreciate this thank you so much. I have been in tears about this - you are right I am entitled to put my needs first for once - if not now then when?

OP posts:
Rabbitsandhabits · 07/01/2023 08:48

I thought you said they did have the option to move to her parents so presume they have asked them?

i really wouldn’t want an adult couple either and I think all your fears about judging their lifestyle, feeling out of place in your one home etc are very valid.

my only concern about handling this is that you have just met his brother move back for what sounds like well over a year. Just be careful this one doesn’t feel less loved even though we can all see the situation is different. I think you need to tread carefully there and be very clear this DS would be welcomed if he were single (so avoid comments about converting the room to an office etc!)

be firm OP. Why a young couple in their 20s who have only been renting together for a year feel they should have managed to get a deposit to buy already is beyond me. They could live frugally and save and have this saved enough in a few years without any of this expectation that parents will pay their bills for them etc. in fact in that note did he mention paying rent for you?

SunshineAndFizz · 07/01/2023 08:50

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'd do it. I can't imagine my mum ever saying no to this - generally we all help each other whenever we can.

Absolutely have rules in place - get them to give you their savings in rent in month, have house rules agreed and a timeframe etc., but personally I'd do it.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:50

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 07/01/2023 08:47

"W ere also talking about booking a holiday and how she’d just bought a new dress"

For that reason alone I'd say no. They aren't that serious about saving, especially in this cost of living crisis they should be saving every single penny or it'll take them years & years to move out!

100% agree - the minute they stop paying any rent and bills they’ll suddenly have large amounts of money that I don’t think they have the discipline to save. Fair enough - do what you want with your own cash but not at my expense.

OP posts:
IWasFunBeforeMum · 07/01/2023 08:51

"he said he will have to move in with me" 🙄

CoffeandTiaMaria · 07/01/2023 08:52

I’m firmly on your side OP.
Obviously if an emergency then I would say yes but indefinitely? No way.

UpUpAndAwol · 07/01/2023 08:52

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:37

“but it might be best to frame it differently than he is welcome and she isn’t”

I’ve never said this. I said in my first post she is lovely and we get on well.

The whole point is it’s a completely different dynamic with a couple than just my son, it’s nothing personal to her!

And having to move cos your house is flooded (or due to illness or job loss) is an entirely different scenario.

I understand. This is how it felt to us when we were young though. I know it’s different circumstances but they might very well just hear yes to him and no to her. From our perspective at the time we wanted to be recognised as a couple and would have preferred a yes or no to both of us. In any case, I highly doubt they will live separately after a year of living together. They could be together forever and how this is handled might be a defining moment in your relationship with them as it is with us. I’m not attacking. Just want to highlight how this situation was a pivotal moment in family dynamics for us and it could be for your family too.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 07/01/2023 08:53

I think you're being really smart OP. You are also being a really generous parent. I am one of 3 and we all went back and forth to parents through the chaos of our twenties, but they were always really clear: we were welcome, BFs/GFs were welcome to visit, but couples need to live elsewhere. It never felt unkind.

I think you'll meet an initial bit of resistance as him asking with GF there feels a bit like there was an expectation of an immediate 'yes', but I think if you stay calm, outline costs, boundaries, reasoning etc he will understand.

Do you have an idea of his expectation re: contributions? Is he expecting to be fully free or did he give you a reasonable figure? My parents expected a small monthly contribution and a supermarket shop once a month. It felt very fair.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:53

“I thought you said they did have the option to move to her parents so presume they have asked them?“

Sorry should have been clearer - her parents have a family member staying until summer but would have space for them as a couple after that but I don’t think they’ve broached the subject with them yet. There is definitely space for her to move back alone in the meantime.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 08:56

Op I think your plan is a good compromise. Son only, maximum 2 nights per week gf staying over and all about his savings plan.

i do think you’ll have to pick up as soon as they stay from the agreement so gf doesn’t slowly end up moving in. Maybe they need to plan to spend some nights at other houses too.

If he can save this could make a huge difference financially for him. I’d suggest they continue saving at least what they were spending on rent.

might a time limit on how long he stay be useful too. Like max 2 years (or whatever you think is appropriate).

orangegato · 07/01/2023 08:58

I moved back in with my parents with my partner from 21-27 to save for a house. Didn’t take that long to save but COVID, moving jobs and fallen through sales added years onto this. We loved being there and are so grateful, we miss them!

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 08:58

They offered to pay rent but if he does move in and paid rent I would save it to give back to them. I didn’t charge his brother rent as fortunate enough not to need it and it accelerated his saving capability.

Youngest son also lives rent-free again to facilitate saving and also because he is doing an apprenticeship. He does more round the house than me though so completely pulls his weight!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:00

“I moved back in with my parents with my partner from 21-27 to save for a house“

That fills me with dread - I’d be 62 by then.

Perhaps it’s a different dynamic when you’re moving back in with married parents?

OP posts:
LetsDoThis2023 · 07/01/2023 09:00

A different perspective...

20 years ago, my BF and I asked if we could move in with my parents when we needed some time to get jobs, save up a deposit etc... although none of us wanted to live together forever, it was fine & we had some nice quality times together. We had also asked my BF's parents this favour. His DM said "of course" but his DF said he wasn't happy about it. BF found this quite hurtful at the time.

BF is now my DH and father of their grandchildren. My parents are now octogenarians and moved in with us recently for 6 months, whilst they reconfigured their home, to enable them to stay there as they age & avoid moving / care homes etc.

We didn't hesitate to offer. Again, it's not a situation any of us would ideally like to be permanent, but it was precious to have this time with my elderly parents and my children together under one roof. There is a special bond between us all as a family.

We would not have my in-laws to stay for that length of time, it would drive us all nuts. But that's not to say I think that my FIL was incorrect in his decision not to help us all those years ago. We have a very different relationship, due to the personalities involved. DH is very close to my parents and would do anything for them and they for him.

I have a very good relationship with my In-laws but they are hard work.
The kids love all grandparents lots.
So, I suppose my advice is, to do what you think is right for you OP, but maybe think about the kind pf relationship you have / want to have with your son going forward.

DH would not have stayed at his parents without me, had they suggested it back then.

user1471538283 · 07/01/2023 09:01

I am a lenient parent and I would say no to this. I was once put in such a position (although I wasn't given the courtesy of even being asked) and that week until she went was the most uncomfortable and isolating. In my own home. That I paid for.

His gf is not your responsibility.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/01/2023 09:04

I think it's a reasonable compromise you've come up with. It shouldn't be a problem living apart if the relationship is strong, she stays over regularly and there is a good reason to motivate them. I know numerous couples who have lived apart for various reasons - some of them married. If they are adament to live together, they need another option eg houseshare.

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:05

@LetsDoThis2023 sounds like you’re saying do what your son asks immediately without prior consultation or discussion or risk the entire future relationship.

Hopefully I can phrase it nicely face to face but I can almost guarantee that them moving in for a few years has a much much higher risk of damaging future relations!

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 07/01/2023 09:05

Honestly, I would go so far as telling them that you had planned to sell up and downsize to build up your retirement fund, deal with the increased cost of living and fund your future travel plans etc. You absolutely can’t support two adults at this time and you would have to make sure that if your son were to move in that he absolutely understood that there would be a contract, a time limit and obligations he would be obliged to stick to. (Make it really unappealing)

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 09:09

i went through this for a few months last year
it was awkward, in a small house
i dont feel i could say no

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:10

“that week until she went was the most uncomfortable and isolating. In my own home“

I want to be able to lie on the sofa all day on a Saturday if I want to, stay in the bath for several hours, cook when I want not to a rota, not have to navigate a shared fridge, come home to the house in the same state I left it in.

I can achieve all that with my son here but not with an adult couple.

OP posts:
Remona · 07/01/2023 09:11

I’m on my own and my adult DS moved out to live with his girlfriend. I loved it. The privacy and the freedom. I could do as I pleased. I swore that I’d never let him move back.

Of course it went pear shaped and he arrived on my doorstep in tears asking to come home. What could I do? It was just as I was sitting down with a large g&t ready to watch a film too 😉

It wasn’t just that my privacy and freedom were gone, but he came back with a load of furniture so now the house is cluttered and it drives me nuts. He is in no rush to leave although he’s got a massive amount saved up. It’s too easy, cheap and comfortable at home.

I know full well he won’t have asked his father and mums are considered the soft touch. Whenever he mentions anything I say “go and ask your father, see if they’ll do that for you” and of course he won’t because he knows the answer would be no. If I’m honest, it grinds my gears that his father has his freedom and I’m stuck still playing mum. I hugely regret not laying down boundaries regarding a timescale when he moved back. It might sound mean but it’s true.

Of course you want to support your children but it is not easy having them back at home. When I can eventually get him to leave, I will be making it crystal clear that he won’t be coming back.

LetsDoThis2023 · 07/01/2023 09:12

Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:05

@LetsDoThis2023 sounds like you’re saying do what your son asks immediately without prior consultation or discussion or risk the entire future relationship.

Hopefully I can phrase it nicely face to face but I can almost guarantee that them moving in for a few years has a much much higher risk of damaging future relations!

No am not saying that. You're being defensive.

creamcoffee · 07/01/2023 09:13

a friend downsized and still the son came home!
tbh i went back to my dm in my 20s with baby and dh, it was tough

Original poster
Rafting2022 · 07/01/2023 09:13

“But that's not to say I think that my FIL was incorrect in his decision not to help us all those years ago“

I think our ideas of helping are different. I’m offering him a place to live and money towards a deposit.

Im not prepared to spend the next x years modifying my behaviour in my own home.

If he or she chooses to take offence at that, so be it.

OP posts:
teachingbean · 07/01/2023 09:14

I imagine he is very much of the opinion that as you did it for one then it is only fair for him but yes, a GF in the mix adds a whole new layer.

It is harsh to say no whilst another son still lives at home too.

Is the other son the youngest?

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