Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

[Rafting2022]

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

Sounds to me that they've moved our and are missing their lifestyle already.

In fact, I wouldn't even enter into this discussion yet, I'd be advising that they stick with the rental for another 12 months and cut back on their spending and see how they get on. Tell them that with two of them they should really be able to get some solid savings down. You could say that you can revisit the conversation when they have 50% (or whatever) of savings already in the bank.

They can put their stuff into storage so he doesn't come back with lots of furniture and nowhere to store it. A definite no for the girlfriend, it would incentivise them both to save up faster.

I would want to see an expected projection of savings and timescale. He has already lived at home after uni and benefited from that situation.

Thinking about it, son one was at home for about 5 years, this son for about 3.

what a difficult situation. I wouldn’t ask them to live separately, that seems very unfair given that they are clearly a well established couple. However I would discuss ground rules and the need for space. Put stuff in storage rather than bring it all home. Arrangements for cooking and cleaning etc.

I think your approach is very fair.

He can come back but you need to ask roughly how long for and how much per month he is going to be saving. This is important because you don’t want to feel resentful if he’s flying off to the Maldives!

however I don’t think you can expect them to never go out etc

by living with you they are saving rent and utilities so what’s that roughly 1k a month between them?

hopefully between them they’ll save more than that and already have some savings!

A great idea.

Their rent is £1k a month - say another £400 for bills? And likely a combined income of £45k?

Furniture in storage is also a great idea.

Woeman's idea is a really good one. That way they need to actually commit to their plan, make changes and show you results. Actions not words!

But, be careful of an engineered 'emergency' situation. With the above position you have effectively said yes to them coming as a couple but kicked the can down the road. They may call your bluff if their landlord 'suddenly' evicts them.

I'm really surprised that you are so set against supporting a young couple trying to set up a good future. Isn't that what every parent wants for their children!?

It sounds like you are in a position to do it, but just don't want to. If you didn't have the space/ money etc. I'd see your point.

Do you think separating them will help their relationship? I'd be surprised if they are happy with that option.

My parents let me and partner move in years ago. We both paid rent and saved a big chunk each month. We stayed about 12-18 months and managed to save £25k to buy a lovely house.

You have the option to support and build a great relationship with potentially the mother of your grandchildren?! Why wouldn't you take that?

I think you’re being entirely fair - I wouldn’t entertain hosting both my kid and a partner.
Of course my own is welcome back whenever - but not with their partner.

If they don’t like it or don’t think it’s fair, then they sort their own accommodation out.

Because they are grown ups and have they asked her parents?

I wouldn't do this. Don't feel obliged to do exactly the same as you did for his brother. You are older now. You have to be able to live as you want.

27 is too old to move back home.

I am wary because of 3 men in my family who live with their parents. It's not healthy.

One no longer speaks to his mum. She was a single parent and he didn't move out until late 20s. The relationship soured considerably and he treated her so badly.

Another bought a house, decided he didn't like it, rented it out and moved back in with his mum and dad. Also a third child. He works away from home a lot but he's 37 and still uses his parents house as a base. They are in their 70s. They buy food and cook for him and often pay for meals out. He's not there that much but the situation is ridiculous. He's really entitled. The dad gets annoyed at him but his mum doesn't mind. No rent or bills paid. Drives a flash car.

Another adult son over 40 lives in a separate flat on his parents property and pays a share of utilities I think.his mum has to get quite tough with him to get that payment. They had a bust up in his 30s in a set of circumstances too convoluted to go into. The situation works OK. Sometimes girlfriends move in and then they get fed up of his mum and leave again! It's not good that at 40+ he doesn't have his independence. He has a lot of money. Doesn't seem bothered about independence. Has a job that involves lots of travel and living away so set up seems to suit him. His mum and dad are ill now and appreciate him being around to help.

Dad's employee lived with his mum all his life. Never had a proper life of his own. Mum eventually died. He lived alone. He just drinks. It's very sad.

I don't think you need to be comparing what you have done for other sons. It seems you are supporting DC as each individual needs it. The situations are never the same.
I would take a couple in if there was some sort of problem or emergancy that meant they needed that, but that's not the case here. Stand firm. We support you.

The talk of a holiday would concern me greatly and would be an issue I’d definitely raise. The whole point of even just DS coming home is for them to save up, not blow their money on holidays. Once he’s home though, you couldn’t do anything about it, so I’d make it clear that if they’re not saving like mad and start frittering money away, that would be a dealbreaker.

People need to compare like would like. The OP has a three bed house. She doesn't have a partner. A couple living in the house changes the whole dynamic. She was looking forward to using that space, that's completely different to having spare rooms that are not in use at all.

Presumably heating would shoot up as a result of them moving in. Is this going to be her responsibility? It would really really annoying me if I was having to pay extra and they even so much as had a glass of wine!

@WandaWonder

Of course they are grown ups, but they are trying to put themselves in a better situation- renting is expensive and unstable. I'm sure moving home isn't their dream after living independently. But it will help them get to where they need to be. If you can help you children, why wouldn't you!?

My parents help set me up for life. I was able to buy a family home from the sale of my first property.

Well obviously we don't know if anyone else is in a position to help. I'm assuming they have thought about their options and asked the most suitable person?

Thanks again all this has really helped. I’m off to meet him now so will let you know how it goes.

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to want his girlfriend staying.

Sounds like moving into a rental has given them a dose of reality ie most of your money goes on rent & you have to cut down on non-essentials (eg holidays) if you want to save anything.

From what you’ve said, they have decided to keep their standard of living & cut back on the rent by moving back in with you. They obviously gain financially, but what’s in it for you? You lose out both financially & with the inconvenience. If they we’re living frugally, at least it would shorten the time he/they were with you, and you would feel like you weren’t the only one making sacrifices to get them on the housing ladder.

I agree with others about laying ground rules, but the reality it that once he moves in, you won’t be able to throw him out!

I wouldn't entertain them moving in either op. I like my own personal space and wouldn't like to share that with my child's partner. The fact they want to book a holiday suggests they see you as an easy ride and not remotely interested in saving properly.

Good luck op, I'm in total agreement that you shouldn't say yes to GF and if it's a yes to DS then only if there's a savings plan.

Say No OP, and do not mention the possibility of them living apart. I think that is potentially really damaging to your relationship with them going forward. They asked as a couple because they come as a package.

And in fact, that’s exactly how I would frame the No. ‘You come as a package and I want to support you as a couple. It would not be fair to expect you to stick to eating when I want you to eat or using the bathroom when I want you to. You are too old for that now, and it would breed resentment among us. So, if you can keep me posted about your savings, I will try to think about ways I can help financially.’

Then ask to see how the savings are going.

I think this way of putting it is great. Having a set of general rules stops it being personal or about an individual.

I am fascinated that so many people say the girlfriend is a no. What might the reasoning be?