Adult son wants to move back home with girlfriend

[Rafting2022]

My son is 27 and moved in with his girlfriend just under a year ago. The rent agreement is up shortly and he said last night they would like to move in with me to save up to buy.

I am not thrilled about this.

I want to support my son but want to make sure we all come out the other side on good terms.

His brother has just bought his own place having lived at home previously to be able to save up so I feel it’s only fair I give this son the same chance.

I have said I will think about the best way forward and we are meeting for a coffee this morning.

I am coming down in favour of suggesting him moving back with me and her moving in with her parents and staying over at each place a couple of nights.

I think it’s a massive difference between him coming home alone versus living with an adult couple.

His girlfriend is lovely and we get on great btw.

Any thoughts and advice welcome.

Son yes, girlfriend no.
She can stay over an agreed amount of nights, but no more.

I think you have to say yes to your DS, but you're not required to allow his GF to move in too.

They will outnumber you and soon it will feel like their house with you as the lodger and unpaid cleaner.

Offer him the same as his DB but point out that DB had a savings plan to get his own property.

I think he's watched his brother move out and not think it's his turn. Asking in front of the girlfriend was a bit low so it's a definite no for both of them. Have the chat, hope it goes well.

Whilst I get where you're coming from, I wouldn't be saying no to my son himself.

I'd be saying yes, agreeing a monthly sum and saying that his girlfriend was welcome to stay over twice a week and that would be my final offering I think.

Each of my children and step children have different circumstances. Once they have flown the best it’s very difficult having any return so we have said no twice when the occasion rose.

We have helped them out in their respective own homes though.

They will have different social hours to you, different standards in the kitchen and any shared bathroom and of course there is the privacy element that if you want to potter about in your underwear you can’t.

Thanks all this has really helped. Son is very welcome as he’s no trouble but an adult couple is a step too far.

Up to them what they do next - I am happy to offer him a place to stay and some financial support (same as his brother got). So their options are - stay put and save for longer, move back to separate homes, ask his dad the same question, ask her parents the same question.

Suspect they’ve come to me as they think I’m a soft touch!

This seems very entitled thinking, with a dose of emotional manipulation at end and would certainly concrete my 'no'

Stick to your guns, I wouldn't feel comfortable with girlfriend staying either - wonder if they've even asked her parents?

“They will have different social hours to you, different standards in the kitchen and any shared bathroom and of course there is the privacy element that if you want to potter about in your underwear you can’t.”

Finally after 27 years I had my own space back - the house is so uncluttered and tidy now and I can finally make some changes that match my lifestyle (converting a bedroom into a home office for example). Them moving back together would prevent all this and I’d likely be close to 60 by the time they left.

Him moving back alone changes my plans slightly but not enough to lose the happiness I’ve already gained at reclaiming my home.

Twenty years ago my then bf and I needed a place to stay quite quickly as our flat flooded. My now in-laws told my husband at the time he was welcome but I wasn’t. We were young and I guess they thought as his gf it wouldn’t matter if I just found a house share or equivalent. I can’t tell you how hurt we both were. We had been living together for a year and it was so upsetting to think his family didn’t see us as a couple. In the end we moved to where my family lived which was quite far away and never went back to my husbands home town. We wanted to be where we were wanted. We are married now, 2 DC and have been together 20 years. I still remember that rejection. Appreciate your perspective but it might be best to frame it differently than he is welcome and she isn’t as it might push them both away. What about explaining you know they come as a couple now but just couldn’t accommodate them? I think they might take that better. We would have done. I can see his parents feelings now but as early 20’s it all felt very hurtful!

I think your plan is entirely reasonable and I'd feel the same BUT I think the girlfriend will be deeply offended. I imagine she'll take it personally.

Yes I’m looking forward to the answer to this too! I’ll put money on the fact they haven’t asked either her parents or his dad! Wonder why…

Agree with you completely. Yes I'd welcome my son/daughter, but not their partner. I'd ask for a little rent to cover the food and utilities. I'd write down rules and a time frame. I think I'd say 2 years is enough time to save up, then they're out. Rules would be not to take over my kitchen/fridge, no loud tv/music and partner can over sleep over once a week. I wouldnt want their partner around all of the time. I wouldn't want them so comfortable, that they delay moving out.

I think it’s reasonable. I have lived with both my MIL and my parents as a couple.

“but it might be best to frame it differently than he is welcome and she isn’t”

I’ve never said this. I said in my first post she is lovely and we get on well.

The whole point is it’s a completely different dynamic with a couple than just my son, it’s nothing personal to her!

And having to move cos your house is flooded (or due to illness or job loss) is an entirely different scenario.

Well she’s no need to be offended or take it personally - she surely realises what a massive ask it is which is why she won’t have asked her own parents!

In the conversation I’d make clear that I didn’t appreciate being asked in front of the partner.

The offer would be same time period as other son, girlfriend two nights a week maximum, clear ground rules on cleaning/chores etc. Take it or leave it.

My friends who have this situation have told me all the money they see getting spent on holidays, designer clothes, going out, expensive beauty treatments etc is rather annoying. No saving basically happening.
You sound very reasonable.

You are completely within reason to suggest just him moving in, and I would do the same.

You might want to think about your suggestion that they stay in a rental and just take a couple more years to save. When DH and I rented in London, every penny that we earned was accounted for. Rent/bills/council tax is a huge huge chunk of most young people’s income, so unless they are earning a massive amount and frittering thousands a year, they might only be able to set aside a very small portion each month, all the while seeing house prices going up further out of reach.

No suggesting for a second you let them both move in, but don’t use this as an argument. Moving back home will cramp their style, they are suggesting it because they feel unable to save otherwise; if they could afford to do both, I’m sure they would.

Reasonable for them to ask or reasonable for me to decline the offer of them moving as a couple?

For some reason I really empathise with you op. I think we are around the same age. I am really rooting for you to put your own needs and rights ahead of you fully grown son and his gf.
I expect you have already supported him for 27 years.
I just wanted to offer my support, random Internet person that I am. And I bet he hasn't asked his dad yet because of you know patriarchy!

I completely agree with PP about your son returning home and his GF going to her parents. I don't think it's splitting up a couple, or being rude to the GF - I think it's appropriate at their age that if they want to return home to save, they each return to their own homes and save or stay in their rented accommodation and cut back.

Having a couple move in will totally change the dynamic - politely, when your son moves back he's probably likely to revert to the mother son relationship fairly quickly (after living so much of his life with you) and I can see that bringing potential tension into their relationship, whereas she isn't your daughter and you've not lived together - you can't treat her the same as you would with him, if he's annoying you I feel you'd be able to tell him straight, with her I'd imagine you'd perhaps tiptoe to avoid offence.

I'd also clearly explain to him that he needed to cut his cloth accordingly and couldn't just move in the for next 5 years and spend how he does now! I agree with PP it'll help motivate them if they're living separately rather than getting comfy at yours and staying longer.

Agreed - over dinner they were also talking about booking a holiday and how she’d just bought a new dress. Plus even suggesting dinner as a place to talk about it.

This is why I find it hard to believe they are saving every penny scrupulously and I don’t want to be thinking about their spending but they are giving me no choice!

My neighbours daughter moved in with her bf family so they could save after renting. She hated it and spent most time with her family at neighbours home, make sure his gf knows what she wants as well. My cousin moved in with his gf Mum, it was ok, she lived on her own and the extra rent did help, but she was glad when they moved out.

"W ere also talking about booking a holiday and how she’d just bought a new dress"

For that reason alone I'd say no. They aren't that serious about saving, especially in this cost of living crisis they should be saving every single penny or it'll take them years & years to move out!