If you have an overweight DC, how do you handle them commenting on their weight?

[olivewreath13]

My DD is obese (body fat percentage of 36.1 😳) We are trying to take control of her weight at the moment. She's started to become aware of her weight and is making comments that are breaking my heart. I don't want to agree with her, but I also don't want to tell her she's perfect as she is or anything like that, because we really do need to take action in the new year. Wondering how others handle this?

I have no direct experience but I imagine focusing on health rather than weight is much better. I.e. 'we're all going to be a bit more healthy in 2023'.

I don’t have an over weight DC but I have an overweight DM who always commented on her weight / body and it rubbed off on me over time. And I’ve had counselling.

Therapists have said to me that you should say your body is amazing for carrying you, allowing you to play / run etc which is why it’s important to look after your body. Never comment on weight but more on nutrients in foods (not good and bad foods either). A carrot has more nutrients and vitamins for our body than a chocolate bar. So then you don’t end up restricting your diet and with an eating disorder but a view that treats are ok occasionally.
Exercise is another way of looking after your body, making muscles stronger etc.

How old is your DD? I'd focus on health rather than mentioning her weight or appearance. Bring every negative conversation back to the importance of healthy habits. Eating nutritious food, getting outside for fresh air and exercise every day. If she's putting herself down just repeatedly tell her that she's a wonderful person and how much you love her, emphasise her good qualities (she is funny, clever kind etc).
My children are both quite skinny (a bit too skinny) but I never mention their bodies, weight or appearance - I keep talking about what they need to eat to be healthy and strong. I never want to talk about their bodies in a negative way.

I agree with the above. My childhood has significantly impacted my relationship with food. And I've only in recent years come to terms with focusing on health and getting fitter instead of all the fad diets. My parents would dismiss me every time I mentioned my weight and say there was nothing wrong - even I remember thinking to myself this isn't healthy, but wasn't supported in fixing it at a younger age, and I resent my parents a little bit for that. As harsh as that sounds!

I also have my own DD now and will be focusing on family walks, trips to the park, healthy eating as a family etc to encourage her health, to do my best to not have her feel the way I did growing up!

It's hard not to focus on weight/image in todays society especially with social media but my advice is focusing on being healthy and as a family of possible.

What comments does she make exactly?

She's 8. Most of her weight is excess tum, and she's started to make comments like 'my tummy is so big and fat, my tummy is so wobbly, is my tummy fat' etc

Could you turn it to a chat about healthy eating, without mentioning calories or weight? Maybe introduce the idea that soft drinks and sweets and fast food are treats that are actually much nicer if you only have them sometimes.
I'm guessing that your DD has two homes, and if so, you'd need her dad on board too. Is he a bit of a disney dad using fast food as treats/entertainment?

I've not been in your position, but I'd focus on her good points, making sure that these are things that she wants to be seen as good points. Do not compare her to her friends.

We're doing a lot of the focusing on healthy over losing weight, talking positively about her body stuff more generally. It's knowing what to say when she makes such specific comments about her body and she does have a point 😔

Hi OP, if I were you I'd say things like:

"everyone's body is a different shape, just like everyone's faces are different"

"your body does so many amazing things for you! in your tummy are lungs that breathe and a heart that pumps blood and a stomach that turns food to energy - your body is amazing!"

"people can be healthy with a round tummy or a flat tummy, just like they can be healthy with yellow hair or brown hair"

Best of luck.

She's not falling for the changing the subject to body positivity angle. She keeps asking me specifically if she has a fat tummy etc I'm starting to wonder if it's actually kinder to agree she does have a round tummy but that's ok, it will get flatter when we eat healthier etc.

Watching with interest. My DD is borderline with her weight so I have to keep an eye. I too focus on “healthy and strong” and we are working on a positive relationship with food and upping fun exercise but she does compare herself to her peers.

I tend to reassure her children come in lots of different shapes but she’s eating healthy food and running around so much that she’s going to stretch out as she grows taller and that I was a kid who looked just like her and I’m a healthy and fit grown-up so she will be too.

I also tell her that it’s my job to keep her healthy and make sure she’s growing properly and I’m looking after that (which she can see) so she doesn’t really need to worry about it- but that she can always talk to me if she is worried etc.

Minefield for little girls though😔

It's a total minefield 😔 I was a fairly slim child but I also have a lot of weight to lose at the moment, so I can't try and reassure her that way. They definitely seem to start comparing themselves with their friends at this age. DD seems to be the fat kid everywhere she goes at the moment, which doesn't help either. Most of the kids she's mixing with are a healthy weight or at least not as big as she is.

Have a look at fatphobia. There's nothing bad about the word 'fat' it's societal connotations that are bad. Fat is just a describing word just like thin.

I have this with my DS 8 who is just overweight. It’s really tricky and I think his is more that we’ve allowed him bigger portion sizes

It’s also made more tricky by the fact his older brother is underweight and on adhd medication that remove his appetite. So I’ve been told to encourage him to eat and allow him things like bowls of ice cream every night.

Im really struggling with how to balance the two - and worrying I’m giving younger DS terrible messages because he isn’t allowed what his brother has ( despite me explaining why). His brother also refers to younger’s weight too 😔

Fatphobia isn't the issue here. She's not just a little bit bigger than her friends, she's very obese.

The good news is you can turn it around if she is 8... I hate to be mean but you are the reason and are in control of her life .

My sister is 50 and we were over fed as children and she has just had a gastric sleeve after being overweight her whole life because of this .

Her skin will never recover but it's better than her dying of complications.

My parents loved us very much and showed it with food .. I still struggle with portions but overall win 🙈

She's 8, I think you will have to agree that yes her tummy is bigger, because of being overweight, but this year we are going to concentrate on getting fit and healthy, and when we do that our bodies will change.

Honestly there's no point lying to a 8 year old, they are wiser than we give them credit for sometimes. They also know what they see when they look in the mirror.

My child is shorter and smaller than his peers, he says "I'm shorter than everyone" "I'm the smallest in my class" he is also 8, I just say "well yes you are, but you've still time to grow don't worry"

This is a tricky one. You say you are overweight too and I think I read another of your threads about clothes for Dd. I'd say your first step is to identify how Dd got to the point of being obese. I don't mean you have to share that here but for your own starting point being totally honest with yourself. Is her dad overweight? Whatever your answers your approach of being healthier is a good one. A whole family approach so she doesn't feel targeted. It's going to take a long time to get to a healthy weight but the fact she will get taller will help her achieve that. Lifetime healthy habits. I need to do that too.

I've always insured that I talk openly about weight and body image with my boys, I started when they were at very young age because I couldn't be doing with them experiencing the painful secretive shame I endured about myself when I was a girl. I sometimes mention to my my ds (14) that his handles are getting lovely and cuddly and he laughs and tells me off for being rude which is just how I wanted it. But he knows he's got to reign it in. He has gynaecomastia and I'm beyond proud of how he's dealing with it, he posts on forums and discusses it with other lads who also have it and we're looking at surgery options together. I think openness and humour is the best way to handle body image issues if done carefully. We laugh about the use of filters but also discuss things like the pressure on (especially) young women to look "good". He's super kind about people and I think in that department I've done well (I fail in many other parenting areas).

Gosh. How did she get in such a state? Your poor DD. Sounds like there are some deep rooted issues in the whole family around healthy living and threads like this make me really angry as she didn't just wake up one day obese - it will have been apparent for a long time. I'd get some professional help for you both, maybe with a specialist children's nutritionist but describe it to her as building some better habits as she gets older. Also set a much better example yourself with exercise etc.

May I ask, is this 'simply' a result of overeating, or is there anything medical going on? A girl in DD's class is on steroids due to health issues, and is overweight as a result (possibly obese) but that would be a different conversation.

I was the chubby one in my class as well. My father always wanted to make sure we were well fed and we always had to clear our plates even when we were full. And as an adult it’s a never ending battle of self loathing. You are the one responsible for this. Please don’t lie to your dd, please don’t make it all nice and fluffy, and let her carry on into adulthood and spend her entire adult life going from one diet to another. It’s no way to live.
be honest, say “yes your tummy is bigger, mine is as well. Should be work together next year to get rid of our big tummies?”. Then find some exercise groups you can do together, and make healthy food choices together

I just did a bit of Googling to get a bit of context about how obese she is and it’s a lot. If you have weight to lose as well, it sounds like it’s a family problem and if you don’t sort out your own relationship to food then you can’t help her. I would go and have a chat with your GP.

I think focussing on food for fuel and good health might be the best messages here. She is where she is and with support she has the best chance of making significant improvements for her overall mental and physical health. It is really impressive that you are seeing this issue as it is that really is the first step on improving things for her and with her.

Seeing the word 'fat' as bad or something to shy away from is fatphobia.

Being fat doesn't make her bad you can tell her she's perfect. If you don't reinforce her to love herself you're going to create a lot of self esteem issues. Tying her 'perfectness' to only been slim isn't a good thing.

I'd suggest not focusing on her body tbh do the healthy thing subconsciously but teach her there's more to life than weight.

also bmi isn't always realistic. Could you post a picture of her minus her face?

I'd say yes she has a large tummy but so do I (you) and you'd both be happier if you did something about it together. Focus on the pair of you not just her.

Anorexia isn't really about weigh the majority of the time. it's about control, more often than not in other areas of a sufferers life.

And do something now, I think it's at age 8 that statistically you've very little chance of not being an obese adult if you don't get a handle on it.