If you have an overweight DC, how do you handle them commenting on their weight?

[olivewreath13]

My DD is obese (body fat percentage of 36.1 😳) We are trying to take control of her weight at the moment. She's started to become aware of her weight and is making comments that are breaking my heart. I don't want to agree with her, but I also don't want to tell her she's perfect as she is or anything like that, because we really do need to take action in the new year. Wondering how others handle this?

How is it unhelpful to suggest the family as a whole might have issues and that professional help would be useful?
But thank you for acknowledging what I was trying to say, that actually letting a child get obese is a form of neglect at best, abuse at worst. I was not being intentionally hurtful but I can understand that it is a very difficult message for the OP (and other posters who might have overweight children) so the OP might feel very defensive.

I’d say nothing at all.

My Dd was chubby at 8-11. She then stretched out at 13 to become tall and slim. She was always hungry and loved sweet things.

Then we had lockdown, and she was very unhappy. She put in a lot of weight.

But now at 17, she’s not really interested in food much and has become tall and slender.

For all the people on here saying say something, we left well alone and she found her own way.

l was a stone above my bottom BMI and my dm told me l needed to lose weight. I ended up with a severe eating disorder.

Bodies are different. She may be due a growth spurt soon.

Is her dad overweight too or just you and your DD?

Bodies are different. She may be due a growth spurt soon.

It's very important that we stop hoping and praying for this sort of thing, instead of taking parental responsibility for our children's obesity.

If the magical growth spurt happened in every overweight child, we wouldn't have such an awful problem with childhood obesity.

It's not something we should leave to chance.

There isn’t much point in lying to her. She can see in the mirror and other children will be saying it to her, how can she trust you if you lie?

You said you are overweight too. Next time she asks you, tell her that she is carrying excess body fat and so are you and it’s because you have both been eating too much/food that is high fat and sugary/not doing enough exercise for your bodies to burn off the food (all of the above or just the ones that are true). It’s science and children should he taught about science, tell her what’s factually true and don’t attach any shame to it.

Then tell her what you are going to do about it: as in “We are going to go swimming three times a week to keep our bodies healthy/walking to school instead of driving/not eat after 7pm/have fruit after dinner instead of ice cream/eat much more fruit/drink more water/go for a half hour walk after dinner every evening to spend time together and be healthy” - whatever is true.

It’s dangerous to be obese. Well done for being honest that this is the case.

Bodies are different. She may be due a growth spurt soon

A child without medical issues should never be obese. It's not normal, it's not healthy and it won't be fixed by a 'growth spurt'.

I'm in the same position with my DS. I'm very careful to never use the word diet or really talking like it's a problem. Rather keep it positive re. Healthy eating. So if he wants a snack and i say no only fruit and he complains I'll say we need to make healthy choices.

Sometimes he gets upset when a comment is made about his weight at which times I tell him I'm always proud of him and care about him and love him. I don't want him to think of his body as a problem and being 'wrong'

I was overweight like your daughter at 8 and I knew about it because of the way that others reacted to me. My mum refused to buy me clothes I liked (I remember clearly wanting this spice girls top and she said no you look too fat in it) there were snide comments at school and knowing looks between adults. Your daughter will allready know what people think. so my thought would be it’s pointless not acknowledging her.

however, with hindsight what I really wanted when I was little was for my mum to help me take control of my weight. I had no clue why I was fatter than others, since I only ate what I was given. I used to steal food from the fridge sometimes (I had a sad childhood) but I never really joined the dots on how that affected my weight.

I think if my mum had maybe acknowledged the issue, like others have said, as a health issue, and then completely taken control of the diet (menu, portion size, availability of snacks) and had just done it without further comments it would have sorted the weight without the years of hurtful comments and interventions from other family members who seemed to think being an overweight child was my fault and my responsibility to change.

I would try to address the diet and keep discussion of her appearance to a minimum, I would try not to get drawn into details, just explain that this is the food we are having and it will be really good for us and we will all feel better soon.

as a side note and I don’t know if helpful, when I was 8 I would see food as a massive treat and think about eating all the time, and I think that it was because I needed the comfort. there were lots of issues at home and I never had any channel for my interests etc, is your daughter going through any unhappiness of her own? If so could anything be done to improve her mood / give her an outlet besides food?

good luck with it x

I sympathise with you though op because it is hard DS is active but he has zero appetite control. He just eats and eats and if you're not watching him he doesn't stop. Hard when I have 3 other DC who can eat what they like without ever putting on weight

This isn't meant as an attack OP, but how did she get so big?

I agree with others, when she asks direct questions about her tummy being fat, reply as though it's about both of you, "yes our tummies have both got a bit fat / wobbly but how about we do something to start changing that together" Make it a joint, team thing. She won't benefit from you saying she's not fat, which you already know yourself, my dm used to tell me I wasn't overweight when I clearly was as a child and I knew she was just trying to protect my feelings. I almost wanted her to say yes, you need to lose weight, I'll help you, even as young as 8-10. I was too young to verbalise my feelings though. I have to admit I'll always resent her for letting me be overweight and denying it for so long. I took weight loss into my own hands when I was 13 and was then an average healthy weight for my height in my teens. My weight kept up a bit in my mid to late twenties, but as soon as I realised it had kept up too much for my liking, I focused on losing it again. I've managed to stay fairly slim since and I'm in my early 40's, I do have to constantly be aware though. Not saying I don't have bad food days and treats though, I try to be realistic and allow anything in moderation!

I'd definitely seek another opinion from a different GP or ask for a referral depending on what local services are available for children where you are. You could start the new year with a plan to focus on healthy eating and being more active, it's a good time to start a fresh. But I think as a mum myself, if it was my dd I'd want to also rule out any medical conditions just in case as there are medical issues that can cause obesity, a girl at my dd's primary had a condition that I can't remember the name of, she was overweight because of it. It made her hungry all the time, as well as putting on more weight than children would without the condition. It might be worth seeing an endocrinologist? Also worth bearing in mind she might start puberty earlier as that's often the case if a girl is overweight.

You're doing the right think op, you sound like a loving, caring mum wanting to do the best for your dd, forget what's happened before this point and look to the future and changing things. Ignore any unhelpful or unkind comments you don't deserve them

This is rubbish.

l was chubby at 9, by the time l was 12 l was tall and thin.

Ds was very plump at 12. By year 19, he was 6ft 4 with a 26 inch waist and l couldn’t get trousers to fit him.

Dd was plump at 8-11. By 13 she was tall and slim.

This is normal development.

This was an issue for us, following steroid-heavy medical treatment as a younger child. We focused on healthy eating - what it is, and what isn’t healthy. I pointed out and reminded the recommended number of teaspoons of sugar for a child of her age. From what I read the aim is not to get growing children to lose weight but to keep their diet healthy while they grow and then they will end up being tall enough for their weight. Things have improved over the past six months, partly thanks to her understanding what is healthy to eat and what isn’t (doesn’t mean sweets are banned but that there’s a limit to how many you can eat in a healthy diet).

At eight you can control what’s in the house, but mine is older and able to go to the shop herself, so you need them to understand why they need not to buy loads of sweets/biscuits etc and ultimately choose not to. There’s an element of them wanting to sneak sweets but ultimately they feel the consequences (my slim older child who takes after his dad ended up having a filling which meant sugar had consequences for both).

By year 10 not 19!

I think the problem is when parents are overweight too, it's hard for them to advise their children about healthy food and exercise, without looking hypocritical.

It's tantamount to telling them smoking is bad, while hanging a fag out of your mouth.

But it's true. You can't bury your head in the sand. She hasn't done this to herself.
It's hard for a child to become that fat if there are no medical conditions as they are so active.

There is a major issue wither with her health or in your home. And with the rising issue of child hood obesity it may be that you are blind to portion size, quantity or her diet.

No it's not! This BS thinking is how children get into this mess.

Chubby is not obese. No child should be Obese.

Obese takes actual work and effort.

But it is normal in my family. We all followed the same pattern.

Tall and slim by mid to late teens, but weight gain pre adolescence.

This might sound harsh but it's completely true.

My 18yo is pretty chunky thanks to his takeaway habit, and often makes unflattering comments about himself. I don't agree or disagree, just try to turn the conversation to a possible solution. Eg. 'I'm going for a long walk/having veg soup for lunch, want to join me?'.

She didn't become obese at 8yo all by herself. Be a good role model!

OP, are you actually tackling the weight issue as a family?

But it is normal in my family. We all followed the same pattern

You all become obese as children and slim down to a perfectly healthy size by midteens with no intervention?

No child without medical issues should be obese.

None of us were obese. Just had cubby tummies and thighs a bit.

And yes we did, whether you care to believe it or not.

I thought she was getting a lot of exercise, I found out at the end of term that she isn't participating fully for the whole sessions and isn't putting much effort in.
I think she's so big she's finding exercise difficult 😔 She gets puffed out and sweaty very quickly.

This.