If you have an overweight DC, how do you handle them commenting on their weight?

[olivewreath13]

My DD is obese (body fat percentage of 36.1 😳) We are trying to take control of her weight at the moment. She's started to become aware of her weight and is making comments that are breaking my heart. I don't want to agree with her, but I also don't want to tell her she's perfect as she is or anything like that, because we really do need to take action in the new year. Wondering how others handle this?

A 5-year-old girl should have 14 to 21 percent body fat, while a 6-year-old girl is considered healthy at 14 to 22 percent. The low end of a healthy body fat range for 7- and 8-year-old girls is 15 percent, while the high end is 24 and 25 percent, respectively. The lower end for 9- to 17-year-old girls is 16 percent, while the high end is 26 percent for a 9-year-old, 27 percent for a 10-year-old, 28 percent for an 11- to 13-year-old and 29 percent for 14- to 17-year-old girls.

How tall is she OP and how much does she weigh?

My 8 year old is overweight and will sometimes say he is chunky etc, I say "we all have too much fat in our bodies at the moment so needs to move more and eat healthier, why don't we try.." I make it a team thing.

And I never deny his weight, I agree and say "yes love but we all do at the moment"
Denying it isn't good either.

@olivewreath13 you might get better support if this is moved to Weight Loss Chat. There'll be less judgement there and I think you are judging yourself enough without others adding to it.

Don't say anything about it.

Tell her she's beautiful as she is.

The damage done to me by these types of comments has never left me.

I haven't forgiven or forgotten. I'm a health weight but my body never looks good enough.

@DuchessOfDisco weirdly I wasn't a fat child but was extremely active . It only hit us in our teens and my sister more so ..

I can't believe the portions we were given , all out of love but it had a huge impact on my sister who emotionally ate as were given good as comfort as well.

Luckily for me I hated being fat more than I liked food so overcame it sooner than her

Don't tell her she's fat. Just don't. My mum did that to me at a similar age. She said it to my face. She said it to everyone we knew. She lay the blame squarely on me. There were no efforts to improve our overall lifestyle, it was all about making me, aged 7, lose weight. I was denied food but at the same time, she refused to let me do any kind of physical activity (bar swimming) on the grounds I was too fat. I was made to wear clothes that fitted me regardless of whether or not I liked them.

I'm in my 40s now and still think of myself as fat and hideously ugly.

I used to say 'you are medium sized like me' (I think evidence suggests naming obesity tends to lead to increased overweightness and so is generally unhelpful). I also said 'as you get older you will grow, and you will weigh more, boys gain a lot of muscle during adolescence and girls gain some fat around their thighs and tummy and get boobs which is healthy and normal development and keeps their hormones working right (it tells them what to expect and is true) Weight loss should not be encouraged or verbalised as a goal, health and slowing weight gain is the goal - she will ultimately weigh more. I used to say that every one - petite sibling included - needs to eat healthy unprocessed high nutrition foods, eat regularly, have gaps between meals, eat enough and avoid dieting or overeating. Encourage interests including sports, model positive (or neutral) body talk when you are talking about yourself, explain people have different body shapes and one is not better than the other (no 'you've inherited my thighs you poor thing' ). One thing I would add is that having a child that is overweight can feel shameful, like people are judging you or them. I shook this off, realising some of us are more impacted by obesity than others and different kids brought up the same have different weight. Shame doesn't help change. Be positive, do the right things consistently and don't blame or shame or make it a problem it doesn't have to be.

This happened with someone I know. The mother told him that the whole family would start to eat more healthily, and that's what happened, and also encouraged him to cook healthy meals for the family. He is now doing extremely well and is a great cook for his age.

My advice is to take the approach that weight isn't about appearance/beauty, it's about health. Tell her that she is beautiful and no type of body will ever change that. Explain to her that she isn't "fat", no matter what other people say, but her body works hard and it would be great to keep her body healthy. Maybe try cooking and explain to her which item has what calories (not counting). Explain that some food have lots of calories and that is ok, but it's good for your body to have healthier foods sometimes. That will help her body grow. Make sure she understands that you aren't trying to change the weight to make her perfect and skinny, you just want her and everybody else in the family to be happy and healthy. Whenever she says those comments, explain to her that she is beautiful and not fat, but you will all try to continue eating healthily the majority of the time to keep everyone's bodies happy.

Has she been medically checked over? There's a few medical conditions that can cause excessive weight gain in children. Is she hungry all the time? The Dr could refer to a paediatric dietician for proper dietary advice if nothing else.

With kids generally the advice isn't for them to lose weight but to grow into their current weight so it will even put as she grows taller.

I'd up the exercise, sign her up to classes, lots of walking, cycling etc.

One thing that may help perhaps accessing confidence building resources for her.

These will help support her in life in general. I would provide as much access to activities as financially viable.

Can ye both start doing a local park run? A weekly hike and swim etc. If it becomes your family routine it will be easier for everyone.

I am overweight now in my late 40s and find I am more likely to engage with activities my children enjoy as I see it being for them not myself. Perhaps this is the turning point for the family.

@Runningintolife wise words

I always told my DC that if they asked me a direct question I would always tell them the truth. That may be an uncomfortable thing to do about weight (as it is about other things) but a direct answer to a direct question is not the same as shaming her or bringing up weight with her as a subject. You can also tell the truth in an age-appropriate way.

So if she asked if her tummy was fat, I think I’d say something like ’What do you think, DD - do you feel like your tummy is fat?’ as a starting point and go from there. You can then say everyone’s body is different and some people put on weight more easily than other people which is why we’re going to eat well and not have as many fizzy drinks etc so that as she gets taller her tummy will seem less fat and her body will be as healthy as possible.

My nephew who lives with me is a bit chubby. If he comments I just say as long as you don't gain any more, you'll be fine once you grow a bit. He's only 9 though.

Kids, depending on age, don't really need to lose weight as such. As they grow upwards they will even out. Teenagers might need to be a bit more proactive. Can you get dc into some activities that are quite physical? Not necessarily team sports or competitive but maybe like kayaking or horse riding or wall climbing?

She's 141cm and 7 stone 6. 98th centile BMI, 36.1 body fat percentage. She's not just a bit overweight.

She has seen a GP, they were pretty dismissive and just said she's obese and needs to eat less and move more. She always seems to be saying she's hungry, but I think she eats out of boredom/comfort eats. The more weight she puts on the more she seems to want to eat.

This is completely unhelpful.

I agree you need professional help as a family. That’s dangerously obese. Your poor DD.

I'd say things like your body changes a lot as you grow up and everyone is different sizes at different ages.
She's 8. She's not shopping or cooking meals. What do you say to her when she asks for food?
What changes have you made at home to help her so far?

Did I miss something about the op's dd having 2 homes?

I was an obese child, probably a similar weight and height to your DD although it was a long time ago so hard to remember. I was very conscious of it by the time I was 8 and would have felt very relieved if one of my parents had stepped in to help me get healthier- I knew I was much larger than my peers and felt very uncomfortable about it, but had no idea of course how to tackle it on my own.
I can remember telling my parents how worried I was about my weight and getting lots of positive reinforcement that I was perfect as I was, but feeling desperate because I wanted help to change it. I think there's a balance where you can say you are beautiful, but we would both feel healthier if we can eat well and get more active and we'll do it together.

This is just my opinion, but I think it's best to try and separate weight from looks and make it a whole family effort to get healthier. Perhaps get her involved in shopping for and preparing food- that way you can give her some gentle education about healthy choices as you go to make those conversations easier- what do you think will fill us up more, the brown pasta or the white pasta?- type of thing.

Completely unhelpful and unkind

I agree it's unhelpful but I can understand why the PP said it.

This sort of thing makes people angry when it comes to kids.

If you were smacking your child instead of causing her to suffer from obesity, you'd have a hell of a lot more angry replies.

Honestly op, I think there is nothing wrong than agreeing her tummy is a lot bit bigger than it was before Xmas and that you'll work together to get healthier and stronger.
She is not stupid and I'm
Sure she can see herself that she is overweight, telling her she's not is not helpful and makes her doubt you.
I agree with others. Plan with her that you'll tackle it together in the new year, I'm sure she'll be glad to few that there is a plan.
The good news is at this age while they are growing so much , you can address this pretty quickly and easily

I'd go at it from the being healthy perspective.
Get her involved in cooking, she should be able to folllow a recipie with a little help/ supervision. Maybe she could cook a meal for the family two nights per week? Try to get into the habit of eating the vegetable part of the meal first. Have a conversation about your day/ plans for the day to slow down food shovelling. Make it fun by using chopsticks.
Find a sport she likes (even better take up a sport together). Something like taekwondo might be suitable. It focuses on strength and stamina and she'll learn about the body and how it moves/ works. She'll be rewarded by moving up the belts. Find other activities/ clubs she likes that stop her being bored and means she can't eat during them.