If you have an overweight DC, how do you handle them commenting on their weight?

[olivewreath13]

My DD is obese (body fat percentage of 36.1 😳) We are trying to take control of her weight at the moment. She's started to become aware of her weight and is making comments that are breaking my heart. I don't want to agree with her, but I also don't want to tell her she's perfect as she is or anything like that, because we really do need to take action in the new year. Wondering how others handle this?

And yes we did, whether you care to believe it or not

No you didn't because you didn't go from obese to slim.

Being a bit chubby is nothing like being obese.

Can you phrase it as building muscle?

if she refers to her wobbly tummy, tell her exercise will make the muscle strong so it doesn’t wobble.

I’d focus on finding an activity/hobby:

cheerleading, dance, junior crossfit, badminton, cycling etc. junior triathlon is very inclusive, she doesn't have to swim to start, she can stick to the cycling and running. if she’s not into that even things like cadets and guides are social enough to distract from eating and bring in some extra movement.

Of course she is!
You need to start getting out. Every single day, rain or shine. Moving, walking anything. Aim for an hour but at her weight that may not be possible.

Also cut out all junk good. Stick to 3 healthy meals and snacks like cucumber, celery.

I would involve the school as well.

How on earth did she get morbidly obese? Yes she is morbidly obese, at 8 her weight should be between 4 and 5 stones. She is very nearly double this. 3 and a half stone of extra weight putting pressure on her heart, lungs, circulatory system.
She needs specialist dietician support, not platitudes about how we are all different. She needs apologies from you for letting her get in that state. It’s neglect.

@AndyWarholsPiehole its great that you know so much about me and my family including how we grew and developed.

You must have telepathic powers. Can you tell me how long Rishi will be in power for?

l don’t really give a shit whether you believe me or not. But it’s quite fun goading you now you’ve got a bit aggressive😁

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - I have to admit that I am finding your “obese” to slim development difficult to picture. Do you actually mean slim or do you just mean not so overweight? Some people insist that size 12/14 is slim on a woman because it’s seen as normal these days, but that often isn’t really slim at all, just not massive (I would define ‘slim’ at size 6-10 generally)

You must have telepathic powers

Don't be a numpty. You wrote that none of you were obese.
No magic powers needed.

But it’s quite fun goading you now you’ve got a bit aggressive😁

Aggressive?

I agree that you need to incorporate exercise into her free time. My DH and DS (14), for example, go to the gym together about three times a week. They enjoy exercising together. He’s also on a football team. DD (17), who tends to gain weight more easily than her brother, has been on a sports team since she was 11 and runs on her own. You need to get your DD fitter so she can join in sports properly at school and then she might find a sport she enjoys. Or not, she might prefer to keep fit in her own time.

At her age, the weight will fall off if you make changes now.

Perfect advice ☝️

So then kindly it doesn’t matter one bit what worked for your family

the OPs daughter is severely obese, not just chubby or needing a growth spurt, dangerously obese in fact

Losing weight is 90% diet, excercise is a nice to have but not what you need to focus energy on.

I have a feeling you’re focusing on this as to focus on diet would mean having to do so for yourself too.

You are abusing your child, if you were smacking her people on here would be a lot less kind, she is double her healthy weight, DOUBLE.

Her diet will be what has gotten her to this point, which is something, at 8 you control.

I agree with PP you all need some family interventions to help with this absolute mess you’re in

I would approach this from an activity point of view rather than loads of focus on food, especially as you say she eats from boredom.

1. do not put her on a diet - you will cause eating problems for her whole life. Talk about the best choices for different situations, and don’t make her feel like she’s denying herself or being deprived - all that will happen is her metabolism will slow down and she’ll end up sneaking food, and struggling with self esteem. Just an example of how to talk about it - a good choice for breakfast is natural full fat yoghurt with some fruit, or a couple of poached eggs on toast, because these will give her the energy from the protein that she’ll need for the morning. A good choice when you go to the cinema is popcorn, and a good choice on your birthday is cake - good choice doesn’t always mean salad.

2. talk to her about levelling up food - add food rather than taking away. Instead of saying ‘we’re not going to eat any crisps or chocolate this week’ say ‘this week we’re going to try and eat 5 portion of fruit and veg a day’. It takes the mentality away from deprivation. If you’re having bolognese for dinner, talk to her about how you can level it up to make it more nutritious - serve it with some broccoli on the side? Add some grated carrot into the bolognese sauce? All about adding, not taking away.

3. make a new years list of stuff to do. Places to discover, hire a kayak, go to the trampoline park, go swimming, learn to draw, plant a wild garden. Frame it as what shall we do at the weekend this year, not how can we ‘exercise’ - girls and women are conditioned to see exercise as a bad thing which should be done purely for weight loss - help her discover joy in movement and what her body can do.

4. walk to school. Not for weight loss, for environmental reasons - sneak it in, don’t make her feel like her being fat is the reason for it, make it as your New Year’s resolution.

5. last one! Do not go on a diet yourself!! Do these things as a family and you will probably find that your weight naturally drops. Don’t weigh yourself. Just find joy in moving and living, don’t wait to be thin before you be happy, find the joy at the size you are now - if weight loss comes then great. If it doesn’t, you will still be healthier than you are now!

Do you have a plan for helping your Dd to lose weight and be fit and healthy?

For example I would be suggesting lots of outdoor play / walks that would benefit her and the whole family. Smaller portion sizes and healthy snacks only (eg, fruit and vegetables) as a starter.
Is this something you are already doing / plan to do?

When weight loss is 90% based on diet this is absolute BS

no one has exercised out of morbid obesity.

She will find exercise very difficult. It's very easy to judge but kids can gain and lose weight very quickly. It can really creep up on you. My sister gained loads of weight from the age 8-10, around the time a close family member died. She had previously been an extremely thin child. It really wasn't easy. I won't say it was. Swimming seemed to be the easiest as she just got so sweaty so quickly but her stomach was so big she would almost roll when she moved her arm in front crawl. It was sad seeing her compare herself to others in her swimming costume. She didn't take my positive talking crap. I ended up saying, yes you're not healthy at the moment and your body is just communicating that to you. Once you get healthy, your stomach might get smaller but some people do just have bigger stomachs. Once you're doing more exercise you get endorphins and you will feel better about yourself etc. During lockdown she basically spent all day outside on her bike and running around. She lost soo much weight that summer and continued to. She is now a slim competitive swimmer.
The only solution is getting them out the house and eating home cooked meals. She's young enough to change this but you don't have long left. It may not be easy to hear this but not changing anything is neglect. The ball is completely in your court and if you allow this to continue you are digging her an early grave, not to mention a childhood of self esteem issues.

@CleoandRalf I agree with this completely. Processed food is so so full of calories and has been proven to actually change the wiring of our brains. A frozen pizza is more than 1000kcal. This child would need to be running all day long if she is to burn three meals of 1000kcal off.

What about replying “our tummies don’t look very strong at the moment do they? What could we do to make them stronger?” And try and get her to list healthy activities like the park etc. Then have a chat about the foods that will help their muscles do those activities,

Tell her she’s brilliant, because she’s eight years old and it’s horrible she’s in this position in the first place.

Then look at changes you (her parent, and the adult here) can make to her diet and how you can get her moving a bit more. Sign up to a walking challenge or get her out on her bike. Hike the protein, fruit and veg.

@CleoandRalf there is more recent and up to date science which proves that dieting does not work. 95% of people who go on diet will regain the weight; and 40% will become even heavier. You can’t put an 8 year old on a diet, it will destroy her relationship with food and her own body for the rest of her life.

I say this as a 30 year old who went on my first diet at 10. I am now 7 stone heavier than I was then. I gave up dieting a year ago and am focusing on enjoying life, rather than waiting until I’m skinny to do stuff. I’ve stopped gaining weight (which is the first step to losing weight by the way… before you lose you need to stop gaining), and I’m fitter than I’ve ever been.

If you read my whole post, food features - but not from a dieting and restrictive perspective. Of course what you eat impacts, but if an 8 year is constantly saying they’re hungry, struggling with self esteem, not able to exercise, helping them to find joy, improving their wellbeing and mental health will do more for their overall health than putting them on a diet and making them obsess even more about food.

Look at the science, not the super outdated ‘eat less move more’ - it’s been proven to be ineffective.

At 8 she didn't get that way herself did she? You need to take control and educate yourself as well as her for healthy eating etc.

What a weird statement to make when you’re not taking height into account. Or what size looks like in different shops.

You don’t seem to understand. Not dieting, diet.

Her diet needs to be addressed, a healthy diet is what is needed, no one will burn enough calories to beat morbid obesity without tackling the diet.

Doctors often advise diet focus when patients are this large, as it’s a lot easier to cut 500 calories a day from your diet than to exercise enough to burn 500 calories.

@CleoandRalf the simplistic ‘90% is diet’ view also ignores the relationship between activity and food. The more active you are, the faster your metabolism, particularly if you use strength training. The more active you are, the less time you have to eat! If the OP takes her daughter out for two hours every day at the weekend to do something active, that’s four hours she’s not only not eating, she’s enjoying something and not thinking about food. Her self confidence will rise, meaning she’ll have less need to use food as a comfort. Her connection with her mum will improve, so they won’t have to use eating to connect because they’ve just been out for a walk (instead of connecting over an icecream when the icecream van comes).

Food is the biggest part of weight loss, but that doesn’t mean you have to go on a diet - there are healthier ways to improve your nutrition than restriction.

@CleoandRalf i understand pretty well :) I actually think we’re saying largely the same thing. You’re just not looking at the parts of my original post that deal with food/diet/nutrition, but we’re both saying that diet is important but not ‘dieting’.

You’re right, you can’t out exercise a bad diet - but the link between nutrition and activity is more complexly linked than that.

The first two points in my original post are about food. I think you just need to be extra delicate when talking to an 8 year old - hence the ideas about talking about good choices in the right scenario, and levelling up food to make them more nutritious (adding a veg, which naturally decreasing the calorific content).

My nearly 8 year old DS got really overweight earlier this year -- he is very tall and muscular but he got much too fat too. We did a family health drive starting at the beginning of term in September. He has lost a couple of kilos while continuing to grow and is now back at the normal/slightly overweight boundary. I have relaxed over Christmas but we will continue to be careful as a family, it's better for all of us anyway. I'm on mat leave so doing all school pick ups etc so have been able to have complete control over snacks etc. He is also very self conscious about it. I never agreed that he was "fat", we talk about healthy eating, how some people (like him and his dad) are naturally hungrier and need to be more careful, but also how strong he is, and that weight will be right for your body as long as you are eating well and exercising. We're in France though where there is huge stigma/social pressure about weight, quite a different social context from the UK, there are very few obviously overweight children here. On the r other hand I find people talk much more freely and straightforwardly about keeping to a sensible diet, there's an expectation that making an effort to eat sensibly is a normal part of adult life. My youngest is only 8 months so I'm still losing the last bits of baby weight too. Both older boys have really taken on board the healthy eating message and make mostly good choices themselves now (eg will opt for a little of a treat rather than a lot).