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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 21/12/2022 15:26

I think as many people should be walked home as possible tbh. Reduces risk for everyone .

Anewhoo · 21/12/2022 15:27

Just tell them you don’t want them to?

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:29

Anewhoo · 21/12/2022 15:27

Just tell them you don’t want them to?

How do I physically stop them walking alongside me?

I did tell them several times it was unnecessary and they should get off home. They just kept waking. They were very pleasant about it, but they clearly didn't feel able to leave me.

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 21/12/2022 15:29

I think it's really considerate of them. Its far more likely that a lone woman will be attacked at night.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/12/2022 15:30

You work with some nice people OP.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:32

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/12/2022 15:30

You work with some nice people OP.

It wasn't work, but yes, lovely people and I accept that their intentions are good. I'm just not sure that gives them the right to arbitrarily override me.

OP posts:
ChessieDarling · 21/12/2022 15:32

It’s a nice thing to do

PeaceJoySleep · 21/12/2022 15:33

It depends, does the offer make you feel threatened, less safe? Like they are the danger?
I've had offers from both camps, offers I was grateful for and offers that made me feel scared.

Glittertwins · 21/12/2022 15:33

Some people just can't do right for doing wrong!

AnaBannanna · 21/12/2022 15:36

Well they sound very kind and obviously care about your safety. Especially considering the amount of women who've been murdered in recent years, by total strangers, whilst walking home alone at night. Most people would be more than happy for two men they know, and trust, to walk them home.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/12/2022 15:40

If you and another female friend could escort another female friend home on foot as a short detour, would you?

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:41

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/12/2022 15:40

If you and another female friend could escort another female friend home on foot as a short detour, would you?

It's not really a short detour. It added a half hour walk for them

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 21/12/2022 15:41

There are sadly some people that spring to mind immediately that would still be enjoying their lives if they had been walked home by a safe person. It's not right or fair that a woman can be at risk walking home but it is true. If anything happened to you your colleagues would have to live with that.

They shouldn't force you to accept this of course but I think you should allow them to be kind. I thought perhaps your OP might say one colleague wanted to walk you tried it on with you but two together suggests no ulterior motive. You say you are equally at risk with colleagues but I would hope you don't actually think your colleagues are rapists or murderers. If you do I wouldn't have gone for the night out in the first place!

sheepdogdelight · 21/12/2022 15:43

I think it's a nice thing that they offered (and that both of them were prepared to do it so OP wasn't alone with 1 man).

But I agree with OP that it's up to her if she prefers to walk home by herself.
Ignoring her and refusing to let her is effectively saying that they know better than she does.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 15:51

I don’t think it’s nice or considerate at all tbh, however we’ll intentioned. It’s just another example of a woman being clear about what she wants or what works for her and men thinking they know better than she does and doing what they want or think is right. I’d have been very firm and told them that I didn’t need their help.

OP doesn’t say these men are friends, just men from a social thing. I wouldn’t want men I didn’t know particularly well accompanying me to my house, however nice about it they were.

PAFMO · 21/12/2022 15:53

Up to you to refuse.

But no, it's not controlling or chauvinistic of them to offer.

FlorettaB · 21/12/2022 15:54

Statistically I think you’re more likely to be attacked by acquaintances (men you know who might offer to walk you home for example) than you are by a total stranger.

123boom · 21/12/2022 15:55

They sound nice. Don’t overthink this

AndrewGloubermanisaperv · 21/12/2022 15:56

Think of it from their POV, if god forbid anything did happen after you declined the offer, they would have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Definitely not their fault but would haunt them.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:56

FlorettaB · 21/12/2022 15:54

Statistically I think you’re more likely to be attacked by acquaintances (men you know who might offer to walk you home for example) than you are by a total stranger.

Exactly. I never felt threatened by these men, butnindont know what it's a fair assumption that I'm safer with them than I am alone. Obviously they know if they're no threat to me, but why am I supposed to assume that?

OP posts:
Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 21/12/2022 15:57

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:29

How do I physically stop them walking alongside me?

I did tell them several times it was unnecessary and they should get off home. They just kept waking. They were very pleasant about it, but they clearly didn't feel able to leave me.

Show quote history

I think that’s the point where you need to be firmer and say, “look, it’s very kind of you to offer but I’m finding it intimating that you’re insisting. To be very clear, I do not want to be accompanied”.

It sounds like you were protesting in a way that might make them think you were worried about being an inconvenience to them, so you just need to be clear about your intention.

DandelionPockets · 21/12/2022 15:57

They sound like good guys. No need to be offended.

Slimjimtobe · 21/12/2022 15:58

I think it’s ungrateful
they were really kind and putting our safety first (not controlling)

itsgettingweird · 21/12/2022 15:58

People willing to add an extra half hour to their journey on foot.

I wouldn't call it over riding you. I'd call it safety and putting someone's welfare first.

Imagine it from their POV. If they hadn't and if something had happened ......

I guess you were willing to take the risk but they weren't. At least their lack of willingness protected you. 🤷‍♀️

MangoBiscuit · 21/12/2022 16:00

I get that it's a risk you were prepared to take OP, but can imagine the guilt they would feel if somethng had happened and they felt they were to blame? That wasn't a risk they were prepared to take. They don't get to override your decision to walk home, but equally you don't get to override theirs to make sure you were ok, for their own peace of mind. And I say this as a woman who will happily walk herself home at night, and as someone who has walked others home, or given them lifts / ubers.