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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 21/12/2022 16:35

LipsSoScarlet · Today 16:26

“ScrollingLeaves · Today 16:24
It is a good thing imo, unless they themselves are predators.”

How do you know which they are though?

I am not sure. It is only quite recently that I realised: I remember reading of a rape cases where a girl had been drinking, someone offered to ‘get her home safely’, raped her, then said it was consensual when she complained. It was said that if she was drunk she could not remember accurately.

helpfulperson · 21/12/2022 16:38

It's interesting how many people want or are proud of their husbands, sons etc to do this. Presumably because they think that the man they know isn't a rapist. But all rapists have mothers and most of them have partners. Who probably isn't thing they would either. Most attacks are carried out by people the women know. Not by strangers.

minticecreamisjustok · 21/12/2022 16:41

You are more likely to be hit on by the man walking you home than the rare occasion there is an attack. It's a decision you should make yourself and decline politely.

nicknamehelp · 21/12/2022 16:41

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 16:09

Men can win really easily by listening to women and what they want, and respecting what they say. If they offer to accompany a woman home and she says “oh thank-you, that’s really kind” then they can do so and feel good about themselves. If she says “no, I’d really rather you didn’t” (and says so several times) then that doesn’t mean a man gets to try to make himself feel good by making her feel uncomfortable doing what he wants to do anyway.

Show quote history

I don't think these men wanted to feel good just wanted to make sure a woman got home safe.
And yes I do believe as a mum if a ds they can't do right in these circumstances. But mine has been bought up to make sure anyone he's out with gets home safe.

Twopenceworthtoday · 21/12/2022 16:41

Let me just put this out there.

The person who offered to walk me home for "my safety" was somebody I knew. I told him I didn't want to be walked home. He ignored me. He then raped me.

It's the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me and broke my trust in everyone.

Sometimes the nice guys offering to do the walking home are rapists.

HarvestThyme · 21/12/2022 16:42

It's not about the men's feelings, or their potential feeling of guilt if something happened to you.

You, a grown ass woman, said no. You told them you did not want to be accompanied. And that, really, should be end of.

You are right that they pose at least as much threat to you as a random stranger in the street.

It was patronising, infantilising. You don't have to think of them as 'good guys'. You are in charge of you. They are not.

SirCharlesRainier · 21/12/2022 16:42

Mischance · 21/12/2022 16:27

If I had an adult son I hope he would have done this.

@Mischance
Overriden a woman's (clearly and repeatedly stated) wishes, and stalked her to her home address?

bigbluebus · 21/12/2022 16:44

I have a friend who lives a 5 minute walk away who always insists her DH walks me (and other female friends) home.

I've live here 30 years and have never heard of anyone being attacked. And tbh I'm younger, fitter and faster than her DH so I'm not sure how much use he'd be to me if we encountered trouble!

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 16:47

nicknamehelp · 21/12/2022 16:41

I don't think these men wanted to feel good just wanted to make sure a woman got home safe.
And yes I do believe as a mum if a ds they can't do right in these circumstances. But mine has been bought up to make sure anyone he's out with gets home safe.

Show quote history

Then you’re bringing him up wrong. You need to bring him up to understand that no means no: if a woman says “no, I don’t want you to walk me home” then he needs to respect that she doesn’t want to be walked home by him. If he’s really invested in knowing she has the option of not walking home alone, he can give her some cash for a taxi - and then leave her to do what she wants.

If your DS can’t respect that when a woman says no, she means no, he’s part of the problem - however nice and well brought up he likes to think of himself as being.

jtaeapa · 21/12/2022 16:48

I think they were being decent.

It is very unfortunate that it is a classic rape/assault tactic for an attacker to suggest walking you home for your safety and then attack you themselves.

In this case however, it seems that the men wanted to make sure that you were safe, so I would definitely not hold it against them. It also seems like since both men came, neither was looking to get things on with you, they were sociable and looking out for you.

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 16:55

This would have annoyed me too OP. Very kind of them to ask, but when you say no, they need to accept that. I've been in this situation and felt intimidated and ended up being rude to the man who was probably only being nice (but who knows?) Not taking no for an answer is a red flag.

I like to walk on my own, I mostly feel safe, I'm happy to assess my own level of risk and act accordingly.

Mustreadabook · 21/12/2022 16:58

It’s nice of them to offer, it’s not nice of them to insist when you refuse.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 16:58

helpfulperson · 21/12/2022 16:38

It's interesting how many people want or are proud of their husbands, sons etc to do this. Presumably because they think that the man they know isn't a rapist. But all rapists have mothers and most of them have partners. Who probably isn't thing they would either. Most attacks are carried out by people the women know. Not by strangers.

I think this is the problem. Most women here are thinking of their lovely kind DS or DH or DB and how proud of him they’d feel for being a nice guy. They aren’t thinking of actually how they themselves would feel if two men from the pub who they didn’t know very well insisted on going home with them, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t believe many women here in the OP’s position would actually want that at all.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 16:58

I think it's an interesting subject, so thank you for your views.

I'm happy that these particular men are decent and I'm quite certain they believe they did the right thing and possibly the only thing they could do.

However, it did make me think about how "we" are quite happy to let men tell us what's best for us and how they feel the right to do that, even if completely well intentioned.

OP posts:
Lengokengo · 21/12/2022 17:00

I once had a male acquaintance insist on walking me home. (15 minutes, safe area, I had walked home many times by myself before). I didn’t want him to but he insisted. When we got to my flat he sushi insisted on setting me into my flat and asked for water. All still reasonable. Then he wouldn’t leave. He said he was too tired to walk home, so I offered to call a taxi. He said he had no money so I offered to pay. He was quite drunk, but I sobered up almost immediately. He insisted on staying, so I put him on the couch and was barely able to sleep all night.
when he woke in the morning, I brightly insisted on going out for breakfast, and was very pleasant. then as soon as he was out of the flat, I said I had forgotten and appointment and walked off leaving him.

unlike a pp, I was not raped or assaulted. But I had let my politeness put myself in a difficult position. I was vulnerable and he was manipulative. I would never have guessed given his previous conduct. I think he thought he would try it on and see where it lead. I have never accepted a ‘ walk home’ since, in fact, I have always been vague about my travel plans home, to avoid this.

Not all women should be walked home by men.

Pismascrescents · 21/12/2022 17:00

Having read an article in the Dm (sorry!) about a female journo who pretended to be drunk and walk home alone and was followed each time (one of these occasions would almost certainly have ended in rape had she not been sober and had back up) I would say never walk home alone if it can be helped. You never know who is around the corner.

Mustreadabook · 21/12/2022 17:01

Mind you I’ve had far more unhelpful (female) friends saying they cant believe I'm going to walk home all aline in the dark snd isn't it dangerous. After making me feel uncomfortable then they drive off and leave me to it without offering a lift!

ScrollingLeaves · 21/12/2022 17:01

It also seems like since both men came, neither was looking to get things on with you, they were sociable and looking out for you.
Unfortunately they can be a double act like those post-graduate rowers who got a drunk first year student back to their house and got away with what happened next (what she experienced as rape).

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:01

Pismascrescents · 21/12/2022 17:00

Having read an article in the Dm (sorry!) about a female journo who pretended to be drunk and walk home alone and was followed each time (one of these occasions would almost certainly have ended in rape had she not been sober and had back up) I would say never walk home alone if it can be helped. You never know who is around the corner.

A woman was followed every time she walked home alone? Really?

OP posts:
LipsSoScarlet · 21/12/2022 17:02

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 16:58

I think this is the problem. Most women here are thinking of their lovely kind DS or DH or DB and how proud of him they’d feel for being a nice guy. They aren’t thinking of actually how they themselves would feel if two men from the pub who they didn’t know very well insisted on going home with them, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t believe many women here in the OP’s position would actually want that at all.

Show quote history

It’s interesting. Even the comments about if OP had been attacked were more focused on how that would have made these men feel. I know that I would feel very uncomfortable at anybody insisting I was walked home when I’d clearly said no to them.

Wanderingoff · 21/12/2022 17:02

Honestly I wish there were more men like that

unless they were super creepy etc

as someone said - the guilt they’d feel if something went wrong

i suspect a female relative or friend has drilled it in to them the risk that women run

BigFatLiar · 21/12/2022 17:04

A few have mentioned how would they have felt if they hadn't saw you safely home and you had been attacked, well they should have felt OK, it was not their fault.
Your safety is your own responsibility and if you decline an offer of company home that's fine. Good if them to offer not so to insist.

Beachbabe1 · 21/12/2022 17:04

Are you crazy!! You should be so grateful!! Absolute gentlemen!! You never know who's lurking around waiting for a lone female! Doesnt matter if you've walked it a million times before! It only takes one nutter!

Wanderingoff · 21/12/2022 17:06

I have now changed my mind reading some of the posts!!!

i would say that I think it’s a poor show if a man declines to walk you if it’s ten minutes out of his way.

i was out the other day with a friend and her partner and he (drunk) kicked off the whole way about waking me home. Dickhead.

the week before his lovely friend who I’d only met that night was more than happy to walk me home.

okay fine it is an inconvenience. But I think it’s a sign of the kind of man someone is

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:07

Beachbabe1 · 21/12/2022 17:04

Are you crazy!! You should be so grateful!! Absolute gentlemen!! You never know who's lurking around waiting for a lone female! Doesnt matter if you've walked it a million times before! It only takes one nutter!

Grateful that they completely ignored my wishes? And if I "never know" how was I supposed to know they were OK?

OP posts: