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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 21/12/2022 17:07

However, it did make me think about how "we" are quite happy to let men tell us what's best for us and how they feel the right to do that, even if completely well intentioned.

No, that's you.

If you really really didn't want these men to walk you home, you needed to make that much clearer.

As for the men, they sound like nice guys and probably thought you refused so as not to put them out, and not because you think they were 'telling you what's best'.

ScrollingLeaves · 21/12/2022 17:07

Checkedtowel· Today 17:01

“Pismascrescents · Today 17:00
Having read an article in the Dm (sorry!) about a female journo who pretended to be drunk and walk home alone and was followed each time (one of these occasions would almost certainly have ended in rape had she not been sober and had back up) I would say never walk home alone if it can be helped. You never know who is around the corner.”

A woman was followed every time she walked home alone? Really?

I think that was a very recent documentary. She pretended to be drunk and was followed back right into her hotel room.

The problem is that someone trying to ‘help’ her back could have been bad too.

I only saw the trailer but she noted how predators were hanging around any women who seemed drunk. No good guys intervened.

(So it is difficult to tell the good from the bad in practice, and men will be judged either way.)

Wanderingoff · 21/12/2022 17:07

What sesyed me is thst they could totally be trying it on

Thereisnolight · 21/12/2022 17:08

They were being kind and no they weren’t disrespecting you. If you really didn’t want them to walk you home (as opposed to just not wanting to be an inconvenience to them) you should have been extremely clear - were you?
I do understand that some men will walk a woman home in order to assault her but that’s not what OP seems worried about.

helpfulperson · 21/12/2022 17:09

But how do you know if they were' super creepy '. Two women have explained that they were raped in a similar circumstance and another got into real difficulties.

I think a PP summed it up perfectly saying they were nice to offer but not nice to insist. Please don't teach your sons they can ignore a woman saying no because they think they know best. The very definition of patriarchy.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:11

Beachbabe1 · 21/12/2022 17:04

Are you crazy!! You should be so grateful!! Absolute gentlemen!! You never know who's lurking around waiting for a lone female! Doesnt matter if you've walked it a million times before! It only takes one nutter!

And the person waiting for her might have been one of the men walking her home.

You never know who's lurking around waiting for a lone female? being full of fear is an awful way to live your life.

astronewt · 21/12/2022 17:12

Statistically, the man who offers to walk you home is a much, much bigger threat to you than any stranger you may encounter on the way.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:13

Thereisnolight · 21/12/2022 17:08

They were being kind and no they weren’t disrespecting you. If you really didn’t want them to walk you home (as opposed to just not wanting to be an inconvenience to them) you should have been extremely clear - were you?
I do understand that some men will walk a woman home in order to assault her but that’s not what OP seems worried about.

So no only means no if a woman is extremely clear?

OP posts:
Lost123454 · 21/12/2022 17:14

Ungrateful

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:14

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:13

So no only means no if a woman is extremely clear?

Show quote history

I mean as opposed to just saying no several times? Was I supposed to stamp my feet too or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:15

Lost123454 · 21/12/2022 17:14

Ungrateful

Why is a woman supposed to be grateful to men for doing something she didn't ask or want them to do?

OP posts:
Twopenceworthtoday · 21/12/2022 17:16

I think its really important to understand that not all rapists are dark figures in the shadows or creepy guys you see a mile off. The man who raped me was funny, articulate and didn't have an ounce of creepiness. I had spent the night in the pub with his parents. He did have a sense of entitlement though, which now I feel is the number one predictor of a predator.

He insisted on walking me home for my safety. I said No
He insisted on using my bathroom. I SAID NO
the rest is too bleak for print.

It's a good post OP as it really is an issue that needs to be addressed. I don't know how, but it needs to be.

senua · 21/12/2022 17:16

I hope that if this scenario happens again then you say "no, thank you, but it was very kind of you to offer. I feel safe but I know others don't feel the same - I hope that my reaction doesn't put you off offering to them in the future."

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:18

you should have been extremely clear - were you?

Oh piss off with your 'shoulds.' She said she was fine walking home alone but they ignored that and insisted. Is there in your world a maximum number of time a woman has to say something before someone believes she actually means it?

Sunsetintheeast · 21/12/2022 17:21

It’s a very interesting point OP, but they are in some ways doing it for themselves. IF something had happened they would have felt responsible and guilty. They may also have found others felt they had failed you in some way. Think of you helping them out by letting them. In some ways it’s a win win.

purpledalmation · 21/12/2022 17:21

I think you should accept with grace and be thankful they think enough of you to ensure your safety. However much we hate it, it is a small risk

PAFMO · 21/12/2022 17:22

The anecdotes from posters who were sexually abused by people they knew is irrelevant on this thread.

She got home.
She wasn't raped.

And maybe, just maybe, it's thanks to these scumbags who walked her home that the first statement is true, and so is the second.

purpledalmation · 21/12/2022 17:22

I'm assuming you knew both of these men from work?

Wanderingoff · 21/12/2022 17:23

@PAFMO but the point is that it could have gone the other way - she could have been raped.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:23

purpledalmation · 21/12/2022 17:21

I think you should accept with grace and be thankful they think enough of you to ensure your safety. However much we hate it, it is a small risk

Yes but there's also a, statistically bigger, risk in accepting

OP posts:
Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:24

purpledalmation · 21/12/2022 17:22

I'm assuming you knew both of these men from work?

No I know them as part of a wide social circle. Acquaintances from the pub. They know some of my friends quite well , I only know them in passing.

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 21/12/2022 17:25

We have absorbed the myth that the biggest threat to us is the unknown male who attacks us in the street. That does happen, it is a real threat, but it’s more likely that you’ll be attacked at home by a man who is known to you.

We paint men as ‘super creepy’ or ‘decent’ blokes. If you look at the stats for rape and sexual assault, the men committing these crimes aren’t (mostly) monsters lurking in dark alleys. They’re the co worker or friend of a friend who walks you home after a night out. They’re nice to their mothers. They hold open doors. They have wives and children. They don’t have RAPIST tattooed on their foreheads. Maybe it’s easier to live with the potential threat of some faceless attacker than to admit that we all know and live alongside men who are capable of this and have raped women in the past.

Thank you to the women who have posted on here about their own experiences. I’m sorry that happened to you.

DuplicateUserName · 21/12/2022 17:25

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:13

So no only means no if a woman is extremely clear?

Show quote history

Yes, in a situation like this - one where there's every chance the woman is just being polite, would rather not walk home alone but doesn't want to put the people offering out.

The people offering could be male, female or alien.

If you're absolutely serious that being walked home is not what you want under any circumstances, you make it very clear that you're not just being polite.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2022 17:25

Its fine for them to offer, its not fine for them to refuse to take "no" for an answer.

There feelings and desire to make it about them are not your responsibility. You are an adult, you get to make your own decisions and the myriad of excuses on here for men to override an adult woman's agency are depressing.

Especially when most rapes are committed by men known to the victim and not by strangers at all.

Just imagining the follow up interviews - "oh you were out for a few drinks were you, oh you encourage X to walk you home, oh he says you invited him in/egged him on because he is after all a nice professional man who looks like everyone's brother/husband/uncle."

Tittyfilarious81 · 21/12/2022 17:28

Its a tough 1 but if you work with them and they are nice I genuinely think it was just to make sure you were safe , my son is part of a large friendship group and he and his friends who he goes out with will always go out of their way to make sure none of the girls ever walk alone because everyone wants to make sure they all get home safe . I see this as good manners ,I do however appreciate that others see this differently.