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Original poster

When people (men) insist on walking you home

297 replies

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:30

How clear is 'extremely clear'? just for the avoidance of doubt. Is there a recognised standard of being 'extremely clear' or does it vary?

cluele · 21/12/2022 17:30

Controlling and paternalistic. Has no one ever taught these men that no means no? I'm sick to death of being told how vulnerable I am, and how afraid I should be.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:31

Tittyfilarious81 · 21/12/2022 17:28

Its a tough 1 but if you work with them and they are nice I genuinely think it was just to make sure you were safe , my son is part of a large friendship group and he and his friends who he goes out with will always go out of their way to make sure none of the girls ever walk alone because everyone wants to make sure they all get home safe . I see this as good manners ,I do however appreciate that others see this differently.

Why is everyone assuming I work with them?. I don't, but even if it Indid why wpukd it be OK for male colleagues to ignore wishes?

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 21/12/2022 17:32

I think it depends on how well you know them . Close friends - yes. But someone you don't know that well may end up being more of a risk than a complete stranger . Personally I would get an Uber.

TeapotTitties · 21/12/2022 17:33

So what happened when you firmly said "No, I want to walk home alone. Goodnight".

And than walked off without them?

Did they follow you OP?

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:33

shinynewapple22 · 21/12/2022 17:32

I think it depends on how well you know them . Close friends - yes. But someone you don't know that well may end up being more of a risk than a complete stranger . Personally I would get an Uber.

I hate getting a cab on my own. I know logically it's safe, but it feels uncomfortable to be in a car alone with a stranger. I'd much rather walk or get the train.

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 21/12/2022 17:33

I think people are assuming you work with them because of your comment about you and them having finished work for Christmas. It could read a little ambiguously.

Tittyfilarious81 · 21/12/2022 17:34

@Checkedtowel apologies op I thought you did work with them as I said it's entirely your choice how you see it , I see at as good manners others don't

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:35

shinynewapple22 · 21/12/2022 17:33

I think people are assuming you work with them because of your comment about you and them having finished work for Christmas. It could read a little ambiguously.

OK. I'm finished because I work in school. They're finished because they've taken extra leave from two different companies.

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 21/12/2022 17:35

I know what you mean about being in a car with someone . I tend to consider Uber safe because there are electronic records of everything . Perhaps I'm being naive there ?

Twopenceworthtoday · 21/12/2022 17:36

PAFMO · 21/12/2022 17:22

The anecdotes from posters who were sexually abused by people they knew is irrelevant on this thread.

She got home.
She wasn't raped.

And maybe, just maybe, it's thanks to these scumbags who walked her home that the first statement is true, and so is the second.

I hope this is extremely clear. You can Fuck Off.

I don't swear on mumsnet so I hope you can tell how extremely clear that message is.

The point that you are at risk of being raped by the "good guy" walking you home is absolutely relevant to this discussion. The good guy who insist on ignoring your No thank you to walking you home is potentially somebody who doesn't understand No at all.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:36

shinynewapple22 · 21/12/2022 17:35

I know what you mean about being in a car with someone . I tend to consider Uber safe because there are electronic records of everything . Perhaps I'm being naive there ?

Yes, as I said, I know logically it's safe. It feels uncomfortable more than unsafe

OP posts:
pairofrollerskates · 21/12/2022 17:36

I don't think it is patronising or chauvinistic of them to offer. In fact I think they are being kind and considerate. if they were 2 other women offering to buddy you home, would you have even asked the question? Safety in numbers apart from anything else.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2022 17:36

For those who think OP was unreasonable, what do/did/would you tell your 11-year-old child in similar situations? Say somebody like Bob who runs the fruit stall at the farmers market on Sundays, who you see every week so know a bit socially but aren’t friends with, sees them walking home from school in the rain and offers them a lift home?

I imagine you’re very clear with your 11-year-old that they must always say no. And if your 11-year-old came home and told you that fruit stall Bob offered them a lift and they said no, but Bob kept pestering them to get in his car and said he just wanted to make sure they got home, and wouldn’t leave them alone as they walked, what would you do? Without a doubt, you wouldn’t say “that was silly darling, Bob was just being a nice man, you should have gotten into his car.” You wouldn’t be giving Bob the benefit of the doubt because most men aren’t paedophiles. You’d be reporting Bob and his fucking creepy behaviour to the police forthwith.

So why should your advice be any different when your 11-year-old is years older and a different Bob she doesn’t know very well says he just wants to make sure she gets home safely and keeps following her home when she has told him no?

latetothefisting · 21/12/2022 17:39

Mmmmdanone · 21/12/2022 15:29

I think it's really considerate of them. Its far more likely that a lone woman will be attacked at night.

As @FlorettaB and several subsequent posters pointed out , yes it is....far more likely that she will be attacked BY SOMEONE SHE KNOWS (i.e. an acquaintance offering to walk her home against her wishes), than by a random jumping out of the bushes.

It's not considerate when (from her POV) they are actually placing her in more danger. Obviously from their POV they knew whether or not they were planning on attacking her, but she didn't, so if her own wishes, statistics and evidence supported her, that should take priority.

Women get attacked in their own homes too, if the nice men had offered to move into her house to stop that from happening should she accept that too?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:39

She got home.
She wasn't raped

Christ, you've got a low bar for female safety.

Tomikka · 21/12/2022 17:40

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 15:25

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

All of the above, and I do the same with friends.
Of course I’m being a lovely gentleman, but is also chauvinistic that I’m ‘keeping them safe’. They can walk around alone as much as they like when I‘m not there. But if out with me I’ll walk to the bus stop / taxi rank and wait until they have their ride and back home or to a hotel. I will have a practical limit as to how far I’ll divert, but then I’d prefer to be sending them off in a taxi

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:40

TeapotTitties · 21/12/2022 17:33

So what happened when you firmly said "No, I want to walk home alone. Goodnight".

And than walked off without them?

Did they follow you OP?

I said "thank you but honestly I'm fine. Goodnight, it's been a fun evening" and set off. They came with me. Then when we got to the main road junction where they could have diverted I said "off you go, I'm almost home" but they still stayed with me.

So no, I didn't stamp my feet and force them to leave, but I think what I wanted was clear.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 21/12/2022 17:43

Let no good deed go unpunished, as the saying goes 👏

Notanotherone6 · 21/12/2022 17:45

Some guys try to look out for you and you call them controlling? FFS.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:47

Notanotherone6 · 21/12/2022 17:45

Some guys try to look out for you and you call them controlling? FFS.

Yes, because a woman must always be grateful for anything a man does, even when she doesn't want him to do it, mustn't she?

Notanotherone6 · 21/12/2022 17:48

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:47

Yes, because a woman must always be grateful for anything a man does, even when she doesn't want him to do it, mustn't she?

Show quote history

Yes, she should, when it comes from a place of concern.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2022 17:48

Georgeskitchen · 21/12/2022 17:43

Let no good deed go unpunished, as the saying goes 👏

Can you explain where is the good deed in two men who the OP does not even know well insisting on following her home and refusing to take 'no' for an answer?

Because my advice to my DC in this situation was always to phone for help, not meekly accept it just in case they upset the feelings of men who feel entitle to overrule a woman's wishes.

Original poster
Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 17:48

Notanotherone6 · 21/12/2022 17:45

Some guys try to look out for you and you call them controlling? FFS.

I'm not calling them anything, I'm just pondering the whole situation/social norms around it.

And how was I supposed to know they are nice guys? Why wouldn't they understand that, as I'm so vulnerable (which they do apparently understand) , I might feel uncomfortable with them?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 21/12/2022 17:49

Perhaps we need to let men know its not their place to keep us safe or be extra respectful.
One of the directors used to stand when I entered his office and wait for me to sit, he did this for most women visiting. Seldom did it with the men. It was just how he was always polite and respectful. A bit old fashioned nowadays.

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