When people (men) insist on walking you home

[Checkedtowel]

I was out at a social thing last night and ended up being last there with 2 men, primarily because we're the ones who've finished work for Christmas so the only ones who didn't need to be up this morning.

Anyway it was about 11pm and a 15 minute walk home. Similar for them (they live close to each other) but in a different direction.

I'd planned to walk home alone anyway. O walked there on my own, I told them I was fine walking home on my own. I know there is a small risk but it's a risk I'm prepared to take and refuse to restrict my life out of fear. I'm not uncomfortable doing this walk which I've done many times before. I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else.

Anyway, they insisted and both accompanied me to my door then set off to walk back in the other direction.

It's happened to me before too. Often when out in a group close to home someone will insist on seeing me home. Some female friends even instruct their husband's to take me!

Is this lovely or chauvinistic and a little controlling?

This is such a good point! Being a feminist doesn't mean "I don't need anyone, I can do everything I need alone".

People of either sex should be allowed to say no.

Walking home I’d appreciate.
However, I have had many occurrences of people offering to ‘help’ me with shopping bags when I lived alone. These have actually felt threatening eg the men who lived below who ran into me in the shop, someone I had been seeing briefly who insisted bringing the bags into my house when I wanted him to go on the street and had said so repeatedly, a woman in a sports car who was really insistent she would drive me home (obviously didn’t get in) etc

"I don't know these men particularly well so could have been at risk from them as much as anyone else." Completely agree OP

I do believe that statistically the guy who refused to listen to you when you say you don't want him to walk you home is far more of a risk than that you might encounter a 'random' attacker.

I'd really love it if all the 'but I'm safe /nice/not like that' guys could understand life from our point of view and just listen respectfully and go 'oh ok if you're sure' when we say no. So that the guys who aren't 'safe/nice/not like that' stood out more.

Not saying they were right to insist but personally I would hope that my DSs would at the least offer and ensure that a lone female is safe

Offering is fine and I'd have a very good opinion of anyone who offered, especially if it took them out of their way. Offering is one thing, not insisting against her wishes, however expressed.

It does seem to suggest that men - some men - have problems hearing anything but a forcefully expressed no.

Yeah, a neighbour offered me a lift to the shops the other day. Apparently a very nice bloke, always stops for a chat; but that's all I know about him, so the lift was politely declined (and I wanted the exercise anyway).

No one should have to forcefully express but saying no I don't want anyone to walk me home is not particularly forceful IMO.

It does state her wishes, NO I don't want anyone to walk me home. It doesn't matter if it's forceful or not, it conveys that she doesn't want an escort, thanks.

You'd be annoyed if they walked a woman home if she asked them not to?
Absolutely correct that they should offer - I've told my own 18 year old DS he should always offer to walk a woman home if she'd otherwise be on her own. I've also told him that if women say "no" they mean "no".

(ironically 18 year old boys are much more likely to be attacked round here then lone women, so maybe the woman should be walking with DS for his protection?)

I think it’s a really nice thing to do/ offer.

I wouldn't want to be walked home by some self proclaimed nice guy who doesn't understand the word no.

I made that mistake at university and learned the hard way.

Sorry 😞 @Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie

It is very controlling: they are not listening to you, and insist they know best. And as a previous poster said, how would they feel if anything happened to you. It's all about them, not you.
I totally get where you're coming from. I'd rather make my own way home than be accompanied by someone I didn't know well. Similar with getting taxis vs. public transport. I'd rather get on public transport with lots of people about, than be trapped in a taxi with a driver I don't know.

I think its fine. And decent of them

But far more women are raped because they went home with a wrong 'un than because they walked home alone. By teaching her that she's wrong not to accept the walk you're actually increasing a woman's risk

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · Today 10:56

I wouldn't want to be walked home by some self proclaimed nice guy who doesn't understand the word no.

I made that mistake at university and learned the hard way.

I am very very sorry that happened to you.
💐 And to the others here who had the same horrific experience of male ‘help’.💐💐💐💐💐

It is shocking to see how common this is.

Men reading here, what do you think about this raping being done by those happily carrying on among you? When you are out, are you aware of how many of your fellows are rape inclined?

Have any of you "shut up and be grateful for the menz who don't listen to you" actually listened to the several posters who were raped by the "nice guy" that walked them home?

You're telling yourself a fairy story. A fairy story about wild-eyed, psychotic predators lurking in bushes that you can ward off if you just do the right things, like keep a "nice man" with you. The fact is, the predators you know look normal. They wear jeans and T-shirts. They have jobs. They are neat and tidy and they smile and they have mothers and girlfriends and children and they drink in your pub. They have lots of people willing to swear that they're nice, good guys. But they all have one thing in common; they don't think a woman has the right to decide what happens to her.

I think it's considerate of them. I also think it's been included in police messages, along the lines of "make sure everyone you're with gets home safely" after all the violence against women campaigns earlier this year.

I havent RTFT and don't intend to...
But assuming OP had had a few drinks by this point, perhaps the kind gentlemen thought she might not be thinking clearly or was being a bit reckless.

Similar to when your tipsy friend says they are fine to drive home and you take their car keys away from them.

There's an easy solution for those who are so outraged about the men's behavior: don't tell people you are walking home alone!

On that basis you'd have to assume the men had had a few drinks and were incapable of making any sensible decisions too....

Women quite often get drunk quicker/more easily than men.
And no that is not a sexist remark!

Jesus wept. Being a drunk young man is an incredibly dangerous thing to be.

@Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie 💕💐

@BootifulLoser
can I call someone to collect you?
can I call you a cab?
can I walk you home?
Shall I sit and drink a coffee with you until you feel steadier?

are all reasonable and considerate questions. That isn't what we're talking about. Men she hardly knew insisted on walking her back to her house. This puts her in an extremely awkward and vulnerable position. She said 'no thank you' as forcefully as she felt able to do without crossing the line into yelling 'will you just FOTTFSOFATFOSM I don't know you and I'm not inviting you back you back to mine'. But at your front door late at night with two men you don't know is a vulnerable place to be and it was a situation she would have preferred to avoid.

Her choices were accept the extremely high risk of causing offense by escalating her 'nos' into the 'eef off' territory or accept an elevated risk of rape by placing herself into a vulnerable position. There is an overlap between men who think they know better than you do whether you should walk home alone and men who think they know better than you do whether you should have sex with them.

Note: the above is 100% NOT victim blaming in all situations rape is the fault of the rapist but women seeking to avoid situations in which they will be / feel more vulnerable is clearly totally reasonable.

@BootifulLoser do you assume all women are too drunk to make decisions for themselves all the time or just OP?

Is there any way of predicting or controlling when and where men will be entitled to start making decisions for us or which man will be entitled to make decisions on our behalf?

THe really terrifying thing is that all the "Pick Me"s, male apologists and "not my Nigel"s on this thread are probably eligible for jury service.

With this level of victim blaming and perpetuating of common rape myths its no bloody surprise that rape has become a largely punishment free crime and getting worse.

There was a time where I would have encouraged women to report rape. Now I'd just support them in accessing whatever help they need knowing that reporting rape, especially if you know the man/accepted any "help" from them, which is usually a guarantee of years of intrusive snooping and character assassination followed by reliving the trauma at trial to see the "nice" man acquitted by jurors with attitudes displayed on this thread.