Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Christmas ruined

254 replies

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:34

me and my partner and also my dd dad have been in a rocky relationship for a while he moved out and we continued with the relationship, the plan was him stay at mine Christmas Eve as he wanted to spend it with her and watch her open her presents. We booked a light show to take dd he phoned last night and said he’s decided against it he’s taking his son Instead because he thinks dd is too young. I got upset and told him I don’t think it’s fair to cut a long story short we went half’s on presents which he kept in his and now he’s saying I’m a spoilt brat to be upset and refusing to give dd presents back and said he hates me etc I’m at a loss on how i will get them back, he’s a control freak who runs the show

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 21/12/2022 09:36

Can you afford to buy your DD some new presents.
You need to forget about this man.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/12/2022 09:36

Cut the abusive prick out of your lives. He's attacking your child specifically to hurt you.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:38

Thanks for the reply no I can’t afford more I’m so gutted for my little girl he’s making me feel like I’m in the wrong for being upset

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:41

I’ve been putting up with these moods for years because I love him. I’ve had a lot of abuse I’m a spoilt brat he hates me he never wants to see me again

OP posts:
00100001 · 21/12/2022 09:42

LTB

Headabovetheparakeet · 21/12/2022 09:43

How old is your daughter?

LynneBenfield · 21/12/2022 09:43

I agree with the previous posters, he is a controlling man and you need to stay away. He’s using the presents as another means to control you, so I’d let that go if you can (as shitty as it is). Take this as your sign to stay away from this man long term. He’s no good for you.

How old is DD, will she even notice that the presents are sparse? I don’t think mine even noticed the presents properly until they were 4 or 5. I could’ve wrapped up their existing toys and they wouldn’t have noticed, they just enjoyed the unwrapping and general excitement of Christmas.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:44

00100001 · 21/12/2022 09:42

LTB

?

OP posts:
Cryingbutstilltrying · 21/12/2022 09:46

He’s doing it to control you.
Don’t let him.
If your child is under 3 they honestly won’t know if you wrap up some sweets or something from the pound shop.
There’s a lot you can do if older to make it special with no cost.
If they are older and can ask, tell them the gifts are with dad and to ask him about them. They’ll get the measure of him quick enough.
Don’t play into his trap, you deserve better as does your dd.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:47

My daughter is 3 I know I should keep away he phoned his mum and his mum agreed I was out of order saying I’m jealous of his son but I’m really not I love his son. It was the fact with planned it and he made a shitty move

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 21/12/2022 09:49

Well, stop being in a relationship with him, stop giving him your time and money and get on with being a single mother.

She's 3, she won't remember anything.

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2022 09:50

You can save Christmas.

By never ending the relationship and giving your daughter a future away from this man. You are putting your feelings ahead of hers. Start protecting her from this abusive behaviour.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:51

What do I do when he asks to see her which he will

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 21/12/2022 09:52

You don't love him. You love what you want him to be.

How can you love someone who treats you like that? Don't get sad. Get mad, and cut him out of your life. What kind of role model are you for your DD when all she knows is an abusive man who treats his partner like shit?

SnarkyBag · 21/12/2022 09:53

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:51

What do I do when he asks to see her which he will

Tell him he can see her when he brings hers presents

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:53

That’s the thing though she loves her dad obviously she’s too young to know what’s going on, her face lights up when she sees him it’s me who he’s bad with

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:54

It’s been going on for a long time I’m not going to lie I’m scared to be on my own I wish I wasn’t like this

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/12/2022 09:55

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:51

What do I do when he asks to see her which he will

Tell him to go through the proper channels.

Make sure all communication is by text.

Make sure you ask questions such as "what time shall we meet and where to take dd to the lights show we booked".

Ignore any calls. Make him reply by text.

Your dd will love Xmas day with you. Spending time with you.

Kids don't need materialistic tat. They need parents who protect them from harm and you can start doing this for dd today
Flowers

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 21/12/2022 09:55

Why do you love him?

Nightynightnight · 21/12/2022 09:56

He changed plans and disappointed you and potentially his child. He can't handle any criticism or blame. He is now punishing his child because he thinks it will hurt you.

You know you can't live like this forever. It's time for clear boundaries. A complete split. No more joint activities. No more joint presents. Contact child maintenance service asap. Agree a contact arrangement that suits her, via solicitor if you need to. Communicate with him only about her. He doesn't love you. And by the sounds of it he doesn't love your child the way he ought to. No loving father would do this to a child on Christmas day. If he is going to be in her life, you need to model how to appropriately react to his controlling and bullying behaviour.

As for Christmas being ruined - it doesn't have to be. Make it a day about activities instead of stuff. Spend every minute giving your child your undivided and loving attention. Take her to the park, read her stories, make some Christmas art together, wrap up some sweeties, have a movie under the duvet day. Little ones respond to their parents- if you act happy and excited, she will feel happy and excited.

Headabovetheparakeet · 21/12/2022 09:56

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:47

My daughter is 3 I know I should keep away he phoned his mum and his mum agreed I was out of order saying I’m jealous of his son but I’m really not I love his son. It was the fact with planned it and he made a shitty move

Could you get your daughter some small things like a bag of chocolate coins, and a couple of small toys from a supermarket?

I know it must feel awful but 3 year olds don't have expectations about how much they might get at Christmas. You can still make it exciting for her.

Bumpsadaisie · 21/12/2022 09:58

Loving someone is a very different thing to staying with someone abusive because you are scared to be on your own.

Very different indeed.

It's understandable you wouldn't want to be alone and that the thought of this is upsetting and scary. However those are the feelings you're going to have to bear and face if you are to get away from him and have a chance for you and your Dd to know what a really loving relationship is like.

EternalSunshine19 · 21/12/2022 09:58

I'd rather be alone than with someown that makes me feel like shit, To constantly be walking on egg shells.
would you like your daughter to be in a relationship with someone like him when she is older? You need to set an example for her.
you'll never find a good man if you're stay with him. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 10:02

I am so sorry
Get counselling to get support
Get some super cheap presents from the charity shop if you afford it
Or the pound shop
You will be fine on your own
Its scary at first but soon it is fine
Do something nice with your daughter on Christmas eve
Go and see the Christmas lights
Please don’t engage with emotion
Just be factual
I was back and forward in a controlling relationship and learnt this

Take the control away
Dont engage
Leave him with the presents
Soo hard as we want a happy relationship for our children but it will make it worse in the long run

RampantIvy · 21/12/2022 10:02

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:54

It’s been going on for a long time I’m not going to lie I’m scared to be on my own I wish I wasn’t like this

And that is why he treats you with contempt. He knows he can get away with awful behaviour because you just put up with it.

You can't expect any respect from him because you need to love and respect yourself first.

The longer you stay with this poor excuse of a human being the more he will leach away any self esteem you have left.

Do yourself a favour and take control. Having no partner is far better than being with someone who constantly gaslights you and makes you feel bad about yourself.