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Original poster

Christmas ruined

254 replies

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:34

me and my partner and also my dd dad have been in a rocky relationship for a while he moved out and we continued with the relationship, the plan was him stay at mine Christmas Eve as he wanted to spend it with her and watch her open her presents. We booked a light show to take dd he phoned last night and said he’s decided against it he’s taking his son Instead because he thinks dd is too young. I got upset and told him I don’t think it’s fair to cut a long story short we went half’s on presents which he kept in his and now he’s saying I’m a spoilt brat to be upset and refusing to give dd presents back and said he hates me etc I’m at a loss on how i will get them back, he’s a control freak who runs the show

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:03

No it’s not what I want I need to get past the feeling of being on my own. I know my daughter won’t understand I’ve filled a stocking with little bits for her he said he’s giving the presents to a toy appeal

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 21/12/2022 10:04

  1. Start putting boundaries in place and stop having him in your home. Stop trying to still be a happy couple, it's confusing for your DD. Agree regular contact date and times and stick to them, he picks her up and drops her off at the door. Contact in writing via text or email (it's worth changing your number and just having a number he uses if he starts being verbally abusive).

  2. Unless you are religious the day you celebrate Christmas really doesn't matter. Let him have her it's not worth the fight and you just shift the entire day and do it afresh when she's home. You let her know that Santa knows she's having two Christmas this year and hell know where to find her.

  3. She's small, she won't care about presents and she'll love spending time with you. If he won't return the toys sod him, buy some balloons to play with, make some play doh, use some cardboard boxes and some colours and build houses or cars, make a pillow Fort and have a Christmas picnic in it. Just spend undivided time with her - that's what she'll remember.

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 10:06

Counselling helped me so much and helped me disengage
I learnt not to rely on him for anything
Then I was not disappointed or upset
it was the same letting my child down which made me so angry and then apologising with excuses so I was hooked back in

so glad it finished and didn’t have to live that miserable life

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Relationship problems
Nightynightnight · 21/12/2022 10:07

Stop all contact with him right now.
He is enjoying upsetting you.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:08

Nightynightnight · 21/12/2022 10:07

Stop all contact with him right now.
He is enjoying upsetting you.

He’s blocked me anyway said I’m a massive fuck up suppose I just get on with things now I won’t contact him

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:10

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 10:06

Counselling helped me so much and helped me disengage
I learnt not to rely on him for anything
Then I was not disappointed or upset
it was the same letting my child down which made me so angry and then apologising with excuses so I was hooked back in

so glad it finished and didn’t have to live that miserable life

He lets her down something terrible she cries for him I hurt knowing I allow it

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:11

thanks for the advice I can’t talk to my family they have told me what he is like and no longer want to hear it

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 21/12/2022 10:12

OP He isn't going to change and for your own sake and that of your DD you need to cut contact with this sorry excuse of a father.
Who does that to a child at Christmas?

He sounds awful.

(LTB = Leave The Bastard)

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 10:13

Probably he will try to contact you again when he feels like it
Dont speak to him
Do it by email or message
Please get support
He will kick against the boundaries at first but gradually you will get control of your life
You need support to know your not the crazy one
How about Gingerbread for fun things to do

Soggydog · 21/12/2022 10:13

Try contacting local food banks and the salvation army and explain what has happened in the hope they can help you with a few Christmas bits. In the new year get on the freedom course to really cement how abusive this relationship is and how to avoid in future. Keep any messages he has sent about giving away christmas presents as it is a great documentation of the abuse and him not putting your daughter above hurting you.

Singleandproud · 21/12/2022 10:14

What scares you about being alone?

Being lonely? Get back to work if you aren't already for adult interaction, join a hobby or volunteer at one DD goes to. If you have the money to take care of it properly and live in the right environment buy a cat they are fabulous for company.

Don't like silence? Stick the radio on a talk programme or BBC sounds on, I like comedy programs it makes you feel less alone than TV for some reason.

Worried financially about being on one income? Make sure you've applied for all the relevant financial support from the government and also the energy companies as you have an under 5.

Worried about logistics such as late night medicine runs or? That's what taxis and deliveroo are for.

If you are scared of being alone I think it's really imperative that you spend at least a year single otherwise you risk either putting up with your ex or a series of other boyfriends. Make a list of different things you'd like to achieve and throw yourself into completing them. Learn to drive, learn to code, to touch type, to knit or Crochet. Study for a professional qualification or sign up to the OU and do a degree or shorter course.

Soggydog · 21/12/2022 10:14

And with your family, do tell them but this time with the request they help you stay strong and not go back.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 21/12/2022 10:15

I think you should try to get hold of him / his mum, apologise, tell him you are hormonal, you completely understand, you love him etc…

Ask what he wants for Christmas in terms of food and presents. And once he bought that, tell him you want to wrap everything matching colours and pop by to pick up the presents… act happy and chatty.

and THEN block the bastard, make him unable to contact you and have a lovely Christmas.

Only half joking… I would a) want the presents and b) get rid of the idiot

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2022 10:15

He said he’s giving the presents to a toy appeal

No, he won't do that. You know he is only saying that to upset you because he knows you cannot afford to replace the presents.

Just ignore him and get help from Womens Aid to keep away from him.

I bet he doesn't pay anything towards his DD's upkeep, does he?

www.womensaid.org.uk

Iamnotausername · 21/12/2022 10:16

I would grovel and say what I needed to, to get the presents back. I wouldn't mean it though.

Then I would step back and reconsider how he fits into mine and my daughter's life. No decent dad would hurt their child to get back at her mum, no matter what he perceived she did / didn't do

I would never, ever rely on him in any way going forward. Don't let him have that control over you. He will play more mind games and power trips if you go along with it.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. If he decides he won't see his daughter, then that is on him. Your daughter will benefit more from a strong mum who isn't messed about by men than having contact with a pathetic and childish father.

I appreciate you might decide it's too late this year but going forward, do not let him sleep over and make sure you set the rules.

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 10:16

You sound like a lovely caring mother who wants to please everyone
Subconsciously he knows that so he can treat you badly and you accept it

Know you are a strong woman

My best friend told me

If you can’t do it for yourself you must do it for your child

You must be strong for your daughter
She can’t have this miserable life

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 10:19

What do you think he would do if you cut him out of your lives?

Would he fight to see your daughter?

The presents aren't his to give to a toy appeal. You paid for half of them. He has stolen from you.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/12/2022 10:20

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:11

thanks for the advice I can’t talk to my family they have told me what he is like and no longer want to hear it

Then go to them and tell them you can see him for what he is now, that they were right. Let them help you make your little girl's Christmas love filled! Ask them to help you stay strong enough not to take that shit of a man back.

If you can't do it because you are sacared to be on your own consider it from this angle - what kind of father deliberately hurts his daughter, favours his son, and takes away Christmas from any child?

He is a controlling monster. You really can't let him back in!

Use that fear, find some anger. Make yourself a promise, a New Year Resolution if you want! You WILL find ways to make yourself happier, more independent, free of coercion.

Best of luck!

Happyhome21 · 21/12/2022 10:22

Iamnotausername gives brilliant advice
I would forget the presents though
He may make a last minute gesture to salve his conscience
Seem the saviour to his mum
Do not fall for it

I have been through it and learnt lots of lessons

Be strong

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 21/12/2022 10:22

What about the boyfriend you mentioned originally?

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:22

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 10:19

What do you think he would do if you cut him out of your lives?

Would he fight to see your daughter?

The presents aren't his to give to a toy appeal. You paid for half of them. He has stolen from you.

Well seems he’s blocked me I don’t think he cares tbh

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 21/12/2022 10:23

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:41

I’ve been putting up with these moods for years because I love him. I’ve had a lot of abuse I’m a spoilt brat he hates me he never wants to see me again

You love someone that is moody, selfish, nasty to you?

Personally l can't see what there is to love!

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:23

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 21/12/2022 10:22

What about the boyfriend you mentioned originally?

?

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 10:25

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:22

Well seems he’s blocked me I don’t think he cares tbh

Show quote history

Then I'd think seriously about going no contact.

Your daughter doesn't need a dad like that in her life.

And FGS don't plan any more special events with him or go halves on anything with him again.

You need to live separate lives.

beachcitygirl · 21/12/2022 10:26

Singleandproud · 21/12/2022 10:14

What scares you about being alone?

Being lonely? Get back to work if you aren't already for adult interaction, join a hobby or volunteer at one DD goes to. If you have the money to take care of it properly and live in the right environment buy a cat they are fabulous for company.

Don't like silence? Stick the radio on a talk programme or BBC sounds on, I like comedy programs it makes you feel less alone than TV for some reason.

Worried financially about being on one income? Make sure you've applied for all the relevant financial support from the government and also the energy companies as you have an under 5.

Worried about logistics such as late night medicine runs or? That's what taxis and deliveroo are for.

If you are scared of being alone I think it's really imperative that you spend at least a year single otherwise you risk either putting up with your ex or a series of other boyfriends. Make a list of different things you'd like to achieve and throw yourself into completing them. Learn to drive, learn to code, to touch type, to knit or Crochet. Study for a professional qualification or sign up to the OU and do a degree or shorter course.

Brilliant advice.

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