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Original poster

Christmas ruined

254 replies

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:34

me and my partner and also my dd dad have been in a rocky relationship for a while he moved out and we continued with the relationship, the plan was him stay at mine Christmas Eve as he wanted to spend it with her and watch her open her presents. We booked a light show to take dd he phoned last night and said he’s decided against it he’s taking his son Instead because he thinks dd is too young. I got upset and told him I don’t think it’s fair to cut a long story short we went half’s on presents which he kept in his and now he’s saying I’m a spoilt brat to be upset and refusing to give dd presents back and said he hates me etc I’m at a loss on how i will get them back, he’s a control freak who runs the show

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 21/12/2022 11:35

See your dsis. Contact your friends. Start making your own decisions and choices. Your confidence will grow op. Keeping him away will get easier. As a dm making decisions best for dd is your job. Don't be so quick to decide her df has a place in her life right now. He needs to grow up, stop abusing you and put his dd first. He can't do that right now can he?

Zebracat · 21/12/2022 11:35

@babyjellyfish This really isn’t a petty argument between 2 people. This is a man using a mothers love for her child to enforce his will. And it clearly is part of a pattern. Threads like this are really common on Mumsnet. These people offer something, then take it away, then are outraged when that is questioned. It is dangerous to minimalise this behaviour, because it always escalates. All this mother did was say it wasn’t fair that a treat was planned for their child then summarily withdrawn. To punish her for that, he was verbally abusive and withheld the child’s Christmas presents and said he would give them away. op has said that this man is cruel and controlling. He has isolated her from family and friends. It really isn’t for you to decide that this isn’t worthy of Police intervention. Most Police forces know better these days and take Coercive Control seriously. On average 3 women a week in the U.K. die at the hands of their abusive partners.
If this incident is the last straw for @Pushingdaisys , and it helps her to look at this relationship in a different light, then it may save her life, it can certainly save her from future pain. My guess is that this abusive cock has behaved like this often towards her but that this may be one of the first times it has affected her child directly. It is abuse, it is serious, it is a crime. Naming it as such can help give women the strength to end it.

Namechangehereandnow · 21/12/2022 11:37

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 10:48

Don't call the Police, ffs. They have better things to do.

Just live and learn.

Really? Better things to do than deal with theft, coercive control, emotional abuse? That’s just for starters … Get a grip, stop with your stupid comments.

OP, call the police and show them all messages etc. If nothing else, it will get your daughters presents back.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
FUEWC · 21/12/2022 11:43

You need to put your DD first.

I’d suggest that you get things formalised about when she’ll see her dad. Guidance on the Gov website here. www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

No, you can’t force him to turn up to see her, but you also have the freedom of being able to plan for her and yourself around when you know she WONT be seeing him.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:43

Zebracat · 21/12/2022 11:35

@babyjellyfish This really isn’t a petty argument between 2 people. This is a man using a mothers love for her child to enforce his will. And it clearly is part of a pattern. Threads like this are really common on Mumsnet. These people offer something, then take it away, then are outraged when that is questioned. It is dangerous to minimalise this behaviour, because it always escalates. All this mother did was say it wasn’t fair that a treat was planned for their child then summarily withdrawn. To punish her for that, he was verbally abusive and withheld the child’s Christmas presents and said he would give them away. op has said that this man is cruel and controlling. He has isolated her from family and friends. It really isn’t for you to decide that this isn’t worthy of Police intervention. Most Police forces know better these days and take Coercive Control seriously. On average 3 women a week in the U.K. die at the hands of their abusive partners.
If this incident is the last straw for @Pushingdaisys , and it helps her to look at this relationship in a different light, then it may save her life, it can certainly save her from future pain. My guess is that this abusive cock has behaved like this often towards her but that this may be one of the first times it has affected her child directly. It is abuse, it is serious, it is a crime. Naming it as such can help give women the strength to end it.

@Zebracat Thank you i have been in this bubble for a while with him and it is the first time he’s brought my daughter into things there was little things when she was born saying I’m a rubbish mum for not putting moisturiser on her small things but made me feel bad, I was told I could not have kids so she was a gift and at first told me to have a termination but I didn’t let him push me and I’m so glad I didn’t part of me thinks is that why he hates me so much

OP posts:
birder · 21/12/2022 11:45

So he insisted on taking her presents because she might find them...she's 3!

He hasn't bothered to see her for several weeks.

This man wouldn't donate anything to charity. He was planning ahead.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:46

birder · 21/12/2022 11:45

So he insisted on taking her presents because she might find them...she's 3!

He hasn't bothered to see her for several weeks.

This man wouldn't donate anything to charity. He was planning ahead.

Do you think my sister said the same thing

OP posts:
birder · 21/12/2022 11:48

Your sister loves you OP, she sees him for what he is.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/12/2022 11:49

I just want my daughter to have a nice time il just let him keep me blocked

You'll let him keep you blocked? - read the advice from PPs - that will just continue the pattern, he'll be back and you'll be going around in the same circle again. Block him, change your SIM card.... have some self respect.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:51

ThinWomansBrain · 21/12/2022 11:49

I just want my daughter to have a nice time il just let him keep me blocked

You'll let him keep you blocked? - read the advice from PPs - that will just continue the pattern, he'll be back and you'll be going around in the same circle again. Block him, change your SIM card.... have some self respect.

if I block him how will he have access to his daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:52

ThinWomansBrain · 21/12/2022 11:49

I just want my daughter to have a nice time il just let him keep me blocked

You'll let him keep you blocked? - read the advice from PPs - that will just continue the pattern, he'll be back and you'll be going around in the same circle again. Block him, change your SIM card.... have some self respect.

He won’t unblock me now anyway and I won’t contact him

OP posts:
birder · 21/12/2022 11:53

He's not using the access he already has though OP.

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 11:53

Namechangehereandnow · 21/12/2022 11:37

Really? Better things to do than deal with theft, coercive control, emotional abuse? That’s just for starters … Get a grip, stop with your stupid comments.

OP, call the police and show them all messages etc. If nothing else, it will get your daughters presents back.

Show quote history

Er, yes?

Murder? Rape? GBH? Knife crime? Actual ongoing burglaries? Theft of items worth more than £20? Fraud? Drug dealing?

Zebracat · 21/12/2022 11:56

@Pushingdaisys your daughter is a gift. I’m always amazed at how often women can find the strength to protect their children, but dont think they are worth it. You are lovable. You are worth it. You are a queen. Dont accept less.
I really would think again about the mother of this man’s son. Imagine if he turned up now with a new woman and demanded to have your daughter on Christmas Day so that he can give her the presents you won’t let her have. You would probably kick off too! They are master manipulators.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/12/2022 11:57

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:51

if I block him how will he have access to his daughter

Show quote history

You're actually saying

If I block him, how will I make it easy for him to abuse my daughter repeatedly over the rest of her life just to get back at me?

If he's that bothered, whilst applying for contact through the court, he will ask for additional telephone contact and you to provide a suitable telephone number. As it is, he's still got your number and would be able to use another phone to contact you to continue abusing you.

Just block him. So when he decides he wants his leg over again with you or to call you some more nasty names, etc, he can't do it easily. And you won't be wondering whether you're about to get a threat, insult or promise of something for your DD when he has no intention of actually doing it, he'll use the idea of getting your hopes up so he can then take it away and claim it's all your fault again.

Also, go to your family for Christmas. Don't be at home alone for when he comes sniffing around again.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:57

Zebracat · 21/12/2022 11:56

@Pushingdaisys your daughter is a gift. I’m always amazed at how often women can find the strength to protect their children, but dont think they are worth it. You are lovable. You are worth it. You are a queen. Dont accept less.
I really would think again about the mother of this man’s son. Imagine if he turned up now with a new woman and demanded to have your daughter on Christmas Day so that he can give her the presents you won’t let her have. You would probably kick off too! They are master manipulators.

❤️he probably has someone else

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2022 11:58

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 11:53

Er, yes?

Murder? Rape? GBH? Knife crime? Actual ongoing burglaries? Theft of items worth more than £20? Fraud? Drug dealing?

Show quote history

Women are most at risk of being hurt or killed by their abuser when they try to pull away. Op is at potentially risk.

www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse This is the cycle of abuse op. It explains why you think it will get better and he keeps on reeling you back in. You absolutely should contact the police. You can report online.

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 12:04

There is absolutely nothing in any of the OP's posts to indicate that this man is violent or that she is in danger. He's just a common or garden twat.

Reporting a childish spat over Christmas presents to the police takes resources away from women who are actually in danger, and makes the OP look less credible if he actually does do something worthy of reporting to the police at a later date.

Mix56 · 21/12/2022 12:04

I agree he gas a masterplan. He will contact you before Xmas, throwing about "his rights to see his child". Give Dd the presents & expect you to be grateful.
So, dont answer the phone,
If he comes knocking dont answer the door.
Go through CMS for getting what you are due.
He can go to court ti get set visiting times. Which he either sticks ti, or forfeits.

ArabellaScott · 21/12/2022 12:09

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 12:04

There is absolutely nothing in any of the OP's posts to indicate that this man is violent or that she is in danger. He's just a common or garden twat.

Reporting a childish spat over Christmas presents to the police takes resources away from women who are actually in danger, and makes the OP look less credible if he actually does do something worthy of reporting to the police at a later date.

From what the OP has said, he seems to be controlling and coercive. This in itself is a form of abuse. Abuse can, and sadly often does, escalate.

Hopefully this won't be the case here. And not a comment on contacting police, etc. But please don't minimise OP's issues.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 12:13

He’s been like this since my baby was born I was once treated my self to get my nails done and this is going to sound silly but he ignored me and called me some bad names because I had my nails short and nude pink because he wanted long red nails on me

OP posts:
MrsTumblebee · 21/12/2022 12:21

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:11

thanks for the advice I can’t talk to my family they have told me what he is like and no longer want to hear it

If they’ve bought presents for your wee girl can she have those for Christmas.

knittingaddict · 21/12/2022 12:25

Choconut · 21/12/2022 10:37

Goodness this all sounds extremely childish. I assume he's planning on giving dd her presents, she is after all his dd too. Instead of demanding he return all the presents when he paid half for them ask him how you can arrange this fairly so she has half with him and half with you. Start communicating like adults and stop expecting everything your own way. You both sound far too immature to have a child.

You don't love him by the way, why would you love someone who you describe as a control freak that runs the show? You're emotionally dependent on him, it's not the same thing.

You know zero about abusive men. It doesn't work like that and op is not the problem here.

Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 12:26

MrsTumblebee · 21/12/2022 12:21

If they’ve bought presents for your wee girl can she have those for Christmas.

Show quote history

Yes shel have them I’m upset as she wanted this cuddly teddy you feed there’s no way I can afford to go back out and buy a new one

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 12:30

knittingaddict · 21/12/2022 12:25

You know zero about abusive men. It doesn't work like that and op is not the problem here.

Show quote history

I’m not immature I love my daughter very much it just so happens her dad is not a nice person for doing what he’s done

OP posts: