Page 5 | Christmas ruined

Pushingdaisys · 2022-12-21T09:34:10+00:00

me and my partner and also my dd dad have been in a rocky relationship for a while he moved out and we continued with the relationship, the plan was him stay at mine Christmas Eve as he wanted to spend it with her and watch her open her presents. We booked a light show to take dd he phoned last night and said he’s decided against it he’s taking his son Instead because he thinks dd is too young. I got upset and told him I don’t think it’s fair to cut a long story short we went half’s on presents which he kept in his and now he’s saying I’m a spoilt brat to be upset and refusing to give dd presents back and said he hates me etc I’m at a loss on how i will get them back, he’s a control freak who runs the show

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 21/12/2022 11:02

At 3, I really don't think actual quality or quantity of present matter much, but the mood of the festive season means more.
Forget about the loser and make Christmas special for her, anyway you can.

AuntieStella · 21/12/2022 11:02

If you are really leaving this man, you may well find that your family welcome you with open arms.

Think about why they went low/no contact with you - it's not because they don't like or want you, is it? It's because they can't bear to see you in this abusive cycle and don't want to patch you up only to see you wade straight back into harm. Once they know that you really are ending things, they could yet be your greatest form of support.

What about friends - did he put you in a position where you alienated them as well?

Try charity shops for gifts and things that sparkle

Tell your DD that you don't know where Daddy is, but that he loves her very much (ie you don't make excuses for him, but you say something positive so she doesn't make the wrong conclusion that she's done something wrong)

Get through the next few days, then start planning for your new future. It can be terribly daunting, but even the making of plans is a positive thing, and will in itself leave you feeling a bit stronger. As will taking steps, no matter how small, towards that future. The first step is planning the best Christmas you can for the two of you (and it sounds like that's well under way) and the second is making as much as possible of the plan true.

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 11:03

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:57

I just want my daughter to have a nice time il just let him keep me blocked. Il sort something Christmas it’s only one day…

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But what do you mean you'll "sort something Christmas"?

I don't think you should be letting him into your house, Christmas or no Christmas.

He will cause a scene and ruin things for your daughter. She'll have a nicer Christmas away from all the drama and he can see her on Boxing Day.

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:04

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 11:03

But what do you mean you'll "sort something Christmas"?

I don't think you should be letting him into your house, Christmas or no Christmas.

He will cause a scene and ruin things for your daughter. She'll have a nicer Christmas away from all the drama and he can see her on Boxing Day.

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I mean il go talk to my sister later about going to to hers

OP posts:

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 21/12/2022 11:05

You text him and tell him that he has no right to steal your DDs presents. That any decent Father wouldnt do such a thing. He can see her when they are returned otherwise you will report him for stealing. Even if you report him to 101 as its a non emergency but still a crime. He needs to know you are serious.
After that theres an app you can use specifically.for co parenting. Not sure whats its called sorry, but you then block him on everything.

Id be texting the MIL and telling her that her shitty son is not letting DD have her presents

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:06

AuntieStella · 21/12/2022 11:02

If you are really leaving this man, you may well find that your family welcome you with open arms.

Think about why they went low/no contact with you - it's not because they don't like or want you, is it? It's because they can't bear to see you in this abusive cycle and don't want to patch you up only to see you wade straight back into harm. Once they know that you really are ending things, they could yet be your greatest form of support.

What about friends - did he put you in a position where you alienated them as well?

Try charity shops for gifts and things that sparkle

Tell your DD that you don't know where Daddy is, but that he loves her very much (ie you don't make excuses for him, but you say something positive so she doesn't make the wrong conclusion that she's done something wrong)

Get through the next few days, then start planning for your new future. It can be terribly daunting, but even the making of plans is a positive thing, and will in itself leave you feeling a bit stronger. As will taking steps, no matter how small, towards that future. The first step is planning the best Christmas you can for the two of you (and it sounds like that's well under way) and the second is making as much as possible of the plan true.

Yes he did my friends are non existent he says they drink too much and doesn’t like there partners

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 11:06

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:04

I mean il go talk to my sister later about going to to hers

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Definitely think that would be the best plan. Fingers crossed she says that's OK and your DD can have a nice Christmas with her cousins.

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:08

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 21/12/2022 11:05

You text him and tell him that he has no right to steal your DDs presents. That any decent Father wouldnt do such a thing. He can see her when they are returned otherwise you will report him for stealing. Even if you report him to 101 as its a non emergency but still a crime. He needs to know you are serious.
After that theres an app you can use specifically.for co parenting. Not sure whats its called sorry, but you then block him on everything.

Id be texting the MIL and telling her that her shitty son is not letting DD have her presents

He’s blocked me and my mil doesn’t care I think she scared of him so will defend him to keep the calmness

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/12/2022 11:10

I know this feels utterly terrible right now but he has really shown you who he is in a way you can't ignore. If he is prepared to punish you and his own child at Christmas to get his own way then he will never be a good father. You have to let go of the dream that one day he will see the error of his ways and become a better person - he will grind your self esteem into the ground whilst you wait for that miracle to occur.

Your sister has already stepped up and saved today - so you can ignore him for the rest of the day. Even if he messages - ignore it.

Don't block him because when he unblocks you he will try to make you feel guilty for blocking contact with his child and use it against you. Double standards and utter hypocrisy on his part but he is not a fair person. Instead write down some very neutral wording that you will use to respond if he contacts you e.g. "DD will be available between 10am -2pm on Sunday if you want to restart your contact with her". Don't get drawn into any debates or arguments. Be really boring and factual.

Don't mention the presents to him again. He is using them as a weapon but they only have power over you if you react. If he says he is going to donate them then you can say something like "I have nothing to say about that" and move on. Every strong reaction from you is fuel for his ego.

Your DD is young and they adapt to a new normal very quickly. She will be delighted with the stocking and if your family get her some bits as well she will be fine. At that age wrapping paper and ribbon as a fascinating as the presents anyway. Many parents have stories of getting great presents for their young DC only to find them playing with the box not the toy.

Remember, you can't control him and you can't change him. However, you can control how you respond to him and you can change how much space you give him in your life. Painful and distressing as this is, it is also an opportunity for you to move forward and grow in ways that he would never let you do. Good luck and we are here for you.

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:11

babyjellyfish · 21/12/2022 11:06

Definitely think that would be the best plan. Fingers crossed she says that's OK and your DD can have a nice Christmas with her cousins.

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I’m sure she will and will be nice to spend it with someone who really loves me I feel so unlovable

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 21/12/2022 11:12

💐OP.

You are clearly a loving mum who wants what is best for your DC. The problem is the societal pressure that “best” is 2 parents getting along and working together to raise their DC. This doesn’t work when only one parent is trying to do this. And unfortunately you can’t make him behave like an adult and put your DC first.

All you can do is focus on doing the best job you can do. This means building your own support village and being the best mum you can.

In your shoes I would:
1 get support from your family. Recognise that he has tried to isolate you so that you feel you need to keep him in your life as you have no one else
2 do the freedom programme to gain a better understanding of how abuse works
3 see him as the father of your child and nothing more. Contact him only in relation to your DC. Do not respond to any other messages he sends you. Get a separate phone or email just for communication with him. Check it once a day only. Have a regular contact arrangement. Recognise that if he doesn’t show up then that is his choice. If he misses a time, he waits until the next scheduled time. Don’t let him mess you around. Claim cms
4 become your own person. Spend your free time doing things that make you happy eg friends, craft, exercise, hobbies. The more you do this the stronger you will become and the less you will feel like you need him.

You got this. Good luck

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:13

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/12/2022 11:10

I know this feels utterly terrible right now but he has really shown you who he is in a way you can't ignore. If he is prepared to punish you and his own child at Christmas to get his own way then he will never be a good father. You have to let go of the dream that one day he will see the error of his ways and become a better person - he will grind your self esteem into the ground whilst you wait for that miracle to occur.

Your sister has already stepped up and saved today - so you can ignore him for the rest of the day. Even if he messages - ignore it.

Don't block him because when he unblocks you he will try to make you feel guilty for blocking contact with his child and use it against you. Double standards and utter hypocrisy on his part but he is not a fair person. Instead write down some very neutral wording that you will use to respond if he contacts you e.g. "DD will be available between 10am -2pm on Sunday if you want to restart your contact with her". Don't get drawn into any debates or arguments. Be really boring and factual.

Don't mention the presents to him again. He is using them as a weapon but they only have power over you if you react. If he says he is going to donate them then you can say something like "I have nothing to say about that" and move on. Every strong reaction from you is fuel for his ego.

Your DD is young and they adapt to a new normal very quickly. She will be delighted with the stocking and if your family get her some bits as well she will be fine. At that age wrapping paper and ribbon as a fascinating as the presents anyway. Many parents have stories of getting great presents for their young DC only to find them playing with the box not the toy.

Remember, you can't control him and you can't change him. However, you can control how you respond to him and you can change how much space you give him in your life. Painful and distressing as this is, it is also an opportunity for you to move forward and grow in ways that he would never let you do. Good luck and we are here for you.

i needed to hear that thanks for replying

OP posts:

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 21/12/2022 11:15

Report him to the police, he has stolen gifts that you have paid half for.

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:15

Rainbowqueeen · 21/12/2022 11:12

💐OP.

You are clearly a loving mum who wants what is best for your DC. The problem is the societal pressure that “best” is 2 parents getting along and working together to raise their DC. This doesn’t work when only one parent is trying to do this. And unfortunately you can’t make him behave like an adult and put your DC first.

All you can do is focus on doing the best job you can do. This means building your own support village and being the best mum you can.

In your shoes I would:
1 get support from your family. Recognise that he has tried to isolate you so that you feel you need to keep him in your life as you have no one else
2 do the freedom programme to gain a better understanding of how abuse works
3 see him as the father of your child and nothing more. Contact him only in relation to your DC. Do not respond to any other messages he sends you. Get a separate phone or email just for communication with him. Check it once a day only. Have a regular contact arrangement. Recognise that if he doesn’t show up then that is his choice. If he misses a time, he waits until the next scheduled time. Don’t let him mess you around. Claim cms
4 become your own person. Spend your free time doing things that make you happy eg friends, craft, exercise, hobbies. The more you do this the stronger you will become and the less you will feel like you need him.

You got this. Good luck

Thank you that’s a good idea about the separate phone

OP posts:

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:16

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 21/12/2022 11:15

Report him to the police, he has stolen gifts that you have paid half for.

Honestly not worth it I may as well walk with what pride I have left

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 21/12/2022 11:16

Yes he did my friends are non existent he says they drink too much and doesn’t like there partners

Not surprised - because I bet that most of your friends have normal partner, and that would show him up.

In the New Year, I think you should try to get back in touch. If they saw what was going on, but couldn't reach you because you were so coerced by your ex, they may just be waiting to hear from you.

It's Christmas - try sending them a festive text as the first step. Follow up in a couple of weeks. Tell those who were your closest friends that you split up, and that you need their support

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/12/2022 11:16

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:27

I hate saying it because I don’t want to come across as that person and love his but his son has been poisoned by mum she doesn’t like that we do things on are own but it’s allowed isn’t it?

No, she hasn't. She's just experienced his abusive behaviour first. I'm willing to bet that he pulled exactly the same sort of thing on her, him stealing and punishing his son to make her cry.

He can go to court for contact if he's that's bothered about it. Which he won't be. And he's probably telling whoever he's been fucking recently (hence the 'leaving' and likely why he's pretending that he's taking his son to the lights when he's more likely shagging some other woman instead, knowing that you won't be asking his ex if he really took the boy out) that you're poisoning your daughter against him/he bought all the presents and you won't let her have them/etc, etc.

Within minutes of telling your family, they have already invited you both to a special Christmas thing. They're putting you and your daughter first. He didn't just fail to put your daughter first, he deliberately chose to try to hurt her to keep you under his thumb and then claims that you've made him do it. Which is absolute fucking bollocks.

You're both best off without that sort of cunt in your lives. He stole your toddler's Christmas presents to punish you.

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:22

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/12/2022 11:16

No, she hasn't. She's just experienced his abusive behaviour first. I'm willing to bet that he pulled exactly the same sort of thing on her, him stealing and punishing his son to make her cry.

He can go to court for contact if he's that's bothered about it. Which he won't be. And he's probably telling whoever he's been fucking recently (hence the 'leaving' and likely why he's pretending that he's taking his son to the lights when he's more likely shagging some other woman instead, knowing that you won't be asking his ex if he really took the boy out) that you're poisoning your daughter against him/he bought all the presents and you won't let her have them/etc, etc.

Within minutes of telling your family, they have already invited you both to a special Christmas thing. They're putting you and your daughter first. He didn't just fail to put your daughter first, he deliberately chose to try to hurt her to keep you under his thumb and then claims that you've made him do it. Which is absolute fucking bollocks.

You're both best off without that sort of cunt in your lives. He stole your toddler's Christmas presents to punish you.

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Your probably right but I have been there why she has kicked off and she only does it when she splits up with her partner but yes your right he’s selfish

OP posts:

Courtjobby · 21/12/2022 11:23

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 09:47

My daughter is 3 I know I should keep away he phoned his mum and his mum agreed I was out of order saying I’m jealous of his son but I’m really not I love his son. It was the fact with planned it and he made a shitty move

He phoned his mum.as some sort of psychological back up. I'd say if you phoned a love one they would side with you too. He sounds v childish

Courtjobby · 21/12/2022 11:25

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 10:03

No it’s not what I want I need to get past the feeling of being on my own. I know my daughter won’t understand I’ve filled a stocking with little bits for her he said he’s giving the presents to a toy appeal

He's threatening to give her present away? Awful, you paid for half right? That's so wrong

MichaelFabricantWig · 21/12/2022 11:26

He is neither a nice man nor a good dad

kick him out x you and your daughter deserve better.

Original poster

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:27

Courtjobby · 21/12/2022 11:25

He's threatening to give her present away? Awful, you paid for half right? That's so wrong

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Yes I’ve got it in black and white and yes his mum defends him a lot even though her husband (not my partners dad) knows what he’s like

OP posts:

Headabovetheparakeet · 21/12/2022 11:33

@Zebracat

I wasn't commenting about coercive control, I was responding to the many posters who have said that op should call the police to get the presents back.

If Op chooses to report her partner to the police for abuse then I would sincerely hope they help her, but if she just calls and says her partner won't bring their daughters gifts over, they will do nothing.

ArabellaScott · 21/12/2022 11:33

Pushingdaisys · 21/12/2022 11:11

I’m sure she will and will be nice to spend it with someone who really loves me I feel so unlovable

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You are perfectly lovable. But this man is not going to solve that feeling.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/12/2022 11:34

In the future, whenever you feel tempted to think that he could be a good father to your DD and that you must allow him a relationship with her, remember that he was willing to take away her Christmas presents just to upset you.

He cannot care for her feelings or her rights (the presents are hers).

He isn't a good dad; he isn't even an average dad!

To him, she is more a tool he can use against you.
Keep this in mind as you bring her up.

It would be dangerous for her to care for him too much. She is not safe in the hands of one who would hurt her just to get at someone else.

Help her grow up strong and well-loved by other people she can trust.
Don't ever let her imagine that he is really a great dad who might love her if she is good enough. Don't let her become vulnerable to him.

Christmas ruined

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