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Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
MithrilCostsMore · 19/12/2022 11:42

Tell him to fuck off, keep the girls with you for Christmas

AriettyHomily · 19/12/2022 11:42

I'd be going for option 3. What a dickhead

YesItsMeIDontCare · 19/12/2022 11:42

Option 1. Honestly it's not worth the stress of trying to cover his ass.

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Christmas Events & celebrations Families
Iam4eels · 19/12/2022 11:42

Let him have Christmas his way, shitty as it may be, and you do your own Christmas when they come home.

Dhama · 19/12/2022 11:43

I’d keep them. He can have the Christmas afternoon so they have the morning (and magic) with you. What an absolute plank he is, I mean do you think he’d do the stockings etc anyway?

Do you think he could be saying it to wind you up?

Thelondonone · 19/12/2022 11:43

I would want to tell him to shove it but I probably would sent the stuff-be the better person. It’s Christmas.

not sure you can keep them as it is his weekend. Alternatively do Christmas on Thursday at yours and say Santa comes early to split families (controversial).

TofuonToast · 19/12/2022 11:45

Tell him to go fuck himself and his grotty pizza and give you and your kids the Christmas you deserve.

Candleabra · 19/12/2022 11:45

Iam4eels · 19/12/2022 11:42

Let him have Christmas his way, shitty as it may be, and you do your own Christmas when they come home.

Yes this. Don’t cover for him.

OutofControl3 · 19/12/2022 11:45

No tell him to do one, sounds like you do the magic of Christmas and he clearly doesn't. Do you want the kids to have that memory of going to dads and wasn't special. No way their only young once!

Peach2021 · 19/12/2022 11:46

My ex is similar...and I'm afraid I'd be going for option 1. I spent many years making lovely Christmas and Birthday arrangements for the entire family (inc XH, DSDs and our joint DC) and I'm damned if I'm going to facilitate something nice now he's no longer my responsibility and when he has made no effort.

This will not be great for the girls, I get that, but at what point do you stop stepping in to protect them from his woefully inadequate approach - when they're teenagers, or when they leave home? The girls will enjoy being with him (hopefully) and will accept the day as it is, and then they can have your idea of a proper Christmas when you get them back.

Mother your kids, not your ex.

WelshNerd · 19/12/2022 11:46

If they're back with you on Monday just do it all properly on boxing day. Whatever Santa brings (presumably stockings?) say he got confused and brought it to yours.

I don't go to a huge effort for Christmas so I wouldn't criticise if he did things slightly differently but no real presents and pizza? What a loser.

BCBird · 19/12/2022 11:47

Let them.go to.his apology of a celebration. Don't give stocking etc. They can have it when they come back and enjoy it with u

Draconis · 19/12/2022 11:47

Definitely don't cover for him!
Either of the other 2 options are better

Pictograph · 19/12/2022 11:48

Option 1

rainbowzebra05 · 19/12/2022 11:48

I'd tell them that Santa comes to their main home and have a second Christmas at yours. Essentially just move the day. Before or after the real day won't matter, but then you're not losing the magic because of him.

I wouldn't be providing it all for him, setting that precedent isn't a good idea and sets them up for disappointment in the future when the next big thing he doesn't bother with happens. From experience, we've found it much better to manage expectations than spend life trying to patch over the NRP's parenting gaps.

What an arse he sounds.

Coxspurplepippin · 19/12/2022 11:48

What's the point of him wanting them for Christmas if he's not prepared to do Christmas? Is it just so they're not with you? Does he even have a tree/decorations?

Compromise, so Christmas morning with you and he picks them up after 1pm.

He's an arse.

Bemyclementine · 19/12/2022 11:49

Option 1. They can have their lovely day with you a different day.

SunflowerSmith · 19/12/2022 11:49

Without a doubt I'd have them with me for Christmas morning, the magic years are so few and there's no way I'd knowingly let them have a rubbish time and be disappointed to keep an adult happy.

PinkFrogss · 19/12/2022 11:50

Can you do all of your stuff at your house and say Santa made a special early/late visit, he can only have one address per child otherwise the elves/reindeer get confused?

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:50

The urge to send them there and for him to realise he has fucked up is so strong, but the thought of the girls waking up on Xmas morning and having no stocking to open is breaking my heart <dramatic>

Hes definitely not on the wind up, he gave them a microwave and some biscuits last christmas (and a jumper each).

He is working on boxing day and doesn't drive so I do all the running back and forth anyway, so they will be coming home Xmas night as they usually would.

The contact isn't court ordered (he went to a solicitor to force me into an adhoc arrangement for contact when I insisted on regular arrangements, and he threw a strop when the solicitor advised a court would order set contact so he never took it as far as court and we figured it out between us).

I'm just so bloody annoyed, who doesn't think to give their kids stockings on Xmas when they are that small and that's what they are used to.

OP posts:
Beachbabe1 · 19/12/2022 11:51

Please do not send your children there for xmas!

Wardrobemalfunction22 · 19/12/2022 11:51

If your DC are under 7 they won't know which day is which anyway. So you could leave them at your ex for the weekend, then do a "proper" Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with you on Monday and Tuesday when everyone will still be on holiday and all the TV will be full of xmas movies and so on anyway.

PinkFrogss · 19/12/2022 11:51

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:50

The urge to send them there and for him to realise he has fucked up is so strong, but the thought of the girls waking up on Xmas morning and having no stocking to open is breaking my heart <dramatic>

Hes definitely not on the wind up, he gave them a microwave and some biscuits last christmas (and a jumper each).

He is working on boxing day and doesn't drive so I do all the running back and forth anyway, so they will be coming home Xmas night as they usually would.

The contact isn't court ordered (he went to a solicitor to force me into an adhoc arrangement for contact when I insisted on regular arrangements, and he threw a strop when the solicitor advised a court would order set contact so he never took it as far as court and we figured it out between us).

I'm just so bloody annoyed, who doesn't think to give their kids stockings on Xmas when they are that small and that's what they are used to.

In that case OP he can’t do anything if you don’t send them, just refuse!

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 19/12/2022 11:52

Let them go to him and have a rubbish time. The more you cushion it the longer it will take them to realise that he is a bit crap (and blame you for not being as fun as daddy).

FloydPepper · 19/12/2022 11:52

You can’t start deciding he can’t see them just because he’s not doing something the way you want. That’s a dangerous precedent to set.

neither should you bail him out and provide all the stuff that a decent dad should be doing.

option 1 is the only viable one really. It’s a shame for the kids but you can do your own thing and let them see the contrast for themselves.

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