I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

To clarify what I meant - 'Christmas Day' when they come home is actually Christmas Eve, Boxing Day is their Christmas Day with Santa/stockings

This year isn't quite as bad as the microwave.

He's got my daughters some photography equipment (not a kids camera or similar, a grown up pieces of equipment and his hobby is photography).

I think it has to be option 1 for me sadly. I was initially veering towards option 3 as children deserve to have a good Christmas. However, feckless or not, he has certain rights as their parent and you can't go on ad infinitum refusing to let him have the girls on xmas day every year. I certainly wouldn't enable or assist him in any way though if I were you. Harsh as it may sound, let them see him for what he is. It will make it harder for him to portray himself as a caring daddy unfairly treated and maligned by nasty mummy if he decides to play those games in the future (and his sort invariably do).

Before they leave do any christmas eve stuff you would do at yours ie leave mince pie, hang stockings so it is ready for them coming back. When the return on Christmas afternoon Santa has been then a treat dinner with traditional Christmas dinner on boxing day (if they like the meal).

It will be different but the kids will have a lovely Christmas when they get back. Don't cover for his laziness.

I agree with this. Option 2 should never be considered, so it leaves Options 1 and 3. As much as Option 3 would be the most satisfying for you and DC, it does open you up to criticism in the unlikely event he did take you to court over contact.

I'd go for Option 1 and plan a massive fuck off Christmas celebration for Boxing Day ("Father Christmas came here on Christmas Eve to leave your stockings and asked me to give them to you").

Yes, they'll be upset at their DF, but quite frankly, that is not of your doing. If they got given a microwave last year (I mean, WTAF?!), then they're likely already learning that he's a bit of a waste of space.

As long as they associate you and your home as a happy place for Christmas, I'd be happy.

I really wouldn’t send your things with him, he sounds incapable of making it special and fun and no amount of your stuff will do that. He’ll ruin it. Just have a really special Boxing Day at your house and do all the normal things that make Christmas exciting.

Fuck that. Option three.

I’m in a similar situation and I do option 3
every single time.

I do see why you’d do option 2 but your DCs need to see what their dad is like for themselves which they won’t of you are always covering for his crappiness. (although I concede Christmas and their ages mean that this isn’t the right time for option 1 but at some point they will need to see it.)

Please keep them. They girls will be so upset with his shitty half ass Christmas attempt.

I'd be INSISTING that the camera stuff comes home with them heheheheh

I'd tell them that Santa comes to their main home and have a second Christmas at yours. Essentially just move the day. Before or after the real day won't matter, but then you're not losing the magic because of him.

This. Let him have them but tell them that you spoke to Father Christmas and he’s going to deliver all their presents to their home on 24th/26th and you’ll do your main Christmas Day then. FC understands all this because he’s very clever and knows people sometimes have two homes and do things a little differently.

The problem is that, while I fully agree your extra is a wast of space and a knob jockey and who the hell plans Christmas Day for little ones without stockings and excitement, technically there’s no rule you have to do all that for Christmas, so he’s not doing something “wrong” like not taking them to school or appointments.

But stop covering for him. He can fuck up however he wants. Focus on having a magical “Christmas Day” with your DC the day before (because then they’ll spend all the day with him telling him how amazing their day with you was 😉)

I think this is a great idea. They will have a lovely time with you.

Are they coming to you Boxing Day morning or Xmas day night?
I'd try to swing it to Christmas Day night and tell them a story about Santa coming an extra night ... then do all your stuff and have your own Christmas Day with turkey and presents plus all the extra hype.
They'll realise what a
Crappy dad he is in years to come, you don't need to compensate for his inabilities to be a good dad, just have your own magic

option 3. Don't let him ruin this for them, kids don't believe for long! Such a magical few years. What an arse!

I think if you can get away with not sending them and there won't be a load of drama, then don't.

If not just try to make it as special and lovely as you can when they get back.

Leave a letter under your tree from Santa saying "I noticed you weren't home so I'm going to try and come back again tomorrow". Then leave things out for Santa on Christmas day night and have your own Xmas day on Boxing Day.

When our children were little - my daughter, my partner's son - and spent Christmas with their other parent, we just let the other parent do Christmas their way. After the first Christmas they weren't with us, we started a tradition. We explained to them that Father Christmas knew all about separated families and that he understood those children would have 2 Christmas Days, but that he needed a signal to let him know when the other Christmas Day would be. After supper, we would all go out into the garden and the children would wave sparklers wildly to show Father Christmas where they were, and that it was time for their second Christmas Eve. The signal always worked and they had their stockings (and yes, FC got a glass of something, with a carrot for the reindeer!) in the morning. And it was always really special.
So, I wouldn't rescue your ex - he will be what he will be, but instead give your DC a really special Christmas Day with you, even if it's not on the 25th.

I have 2 grown children with a supremely shit (non existent for the last 6 years) father and covered for him too by buying them gifts from him, and I can now see I was just prolonging the inevitable. My hope was he would come around and that there would still be a relationship to maintain, but it just didn't happen.

I just didn't think about it with my younger dcs because their dad actually sees them, but I'm doing the same again here.

It just makes me so sad to think of them waking on Xmas morning with no stocking.

He would definitely tell them some kind of crap, he makes them feel guilty about him living alone, me and him splitting up, saying he's cold because he has to give me money etc, so he will 100% use them to get one over on me, and I really don't want to be that person, so I try and put my girls first at all times and have probably created a really unhealthy situation, and am not being a good example to my daughters either.

I don't know how to disassociate from him being a bit shit and knowing they will be upset though.

Sorry I haven’t read all the messages. Keep them on Saturday and have Christmas then and let him do the 25th.

My exH and I divorced when my children were quite young. I used to do our own Christmas (earlier or later, whatever suited best) every other year when they went to their dad’s. Not because he was shit - he definitely wasn’t, but just so they would always have Christmas at home too. Children are very adaptable and they don’t care at all whether it’s the official day - they will just be happy to have Christmas with you on whatever day it happens to be.

As @Peach2021 says. They are visiting their Dad, how he chooses to do Christmas is up to him. Then they can have stockings and have a lovely meal at yours after.

I'll be picking them up just after tea time on Xmas night, this is what we usually do anyway.

There are some great ideas on here to still keep the magic alive without covering up for his stupidity.

The children will probably live pizza on Xmas day. Yabu for even considering option 3.

I'd be inclined to option 3, though as noted, if he is really difficult and goes to court over access, the male dominated courts would possibly side with him.

I’d pre-empt him and have Xmas day for them on the 23/24?

So they get the full magic of Xmas, all the presents, food etc. Then when they go to their dads, they can take their new toys etc. They probably won’t mind pizza if they’ve already had the turkey. You have effectively given them the perfect Xmas, and mitigated the affect on them of the lack of effort on their dads part.

Dont forget, that as the children grow they will see and understand that their dad is the selfish one.

So even if you can’t do this, and end up giving them stockings and presents to take with them to your ex, you will know you were the bigger person, and in time, they will know that too.