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Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
ancientgran · 19/12/2022 12:21

NotWhereIWantToBe · 19/12/2022 12:17

When our children were little - my daughter, my partner's son - and spent Christmas with their other parent, we just let the other parent do Christmas their way. After the first Christmas they weren't with us, we started a tradition. We explained to them that Father Christmas knew all about separated families and that he understood those children would have 2 Christmas Days, but that he needed a signal to let him know when the other Christmas Day would be. After supper, we would all go out into the garden and the children would wave sparklers wildly to show Father Christmas where they were, and that it was time for their second Christmas Eve. The signal always worked and they had their stockings (and yes, FC got a glass of something, with a carrot for the reindeer!) in the morning. And it was always really special.
So, I wouldn't rescue your ex - he will be what he will be, but instead give your DC a really special Christmas Day with you, even if it's not on the 25th.

That sounds lovely.

MamaFirst · 19/12/2022 12:21

Manage their expectations then. Tell them what to expect before they go to their Dads so that they aren't anticipating a magical Christmas and Christmas stockings etc. Spell it out. 'Santa will leave your presents here for you when you get home again'.

Absolutely disgusting he tells them things like he's cold because be gives you money. What an absolute prick.

Jellyjam36 · 19/12/2022 12:21

Tell hin to fuck off and spend it with them your way.

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Christmas Events & celebrations Families
BubblegumLife · 19/12/2022 12:22

Move your Christmas.
When mine come back from their dad's Christmas day night, that's our Christmas eve. Santa comes that night. Boxing day is our Christmas day. We do everything exactly the same just a day late.

Mine are 11 and 15 now, I'll never not do it this way. You still get the magic of Christmas morning, just a day later.
Honestly it works and your girls will still get their magical Christmas.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/12/2022 12:22

MithrilCostsMore · 19/12/2022 11:42

Tell him to fuck off, keep the girls with you for Christmas

This. Fucking pizza on Christmas Day?!

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 12:23

@Rantaboutmytwatofanex are they with you on Christmas Eve? If so I would do Christmas Day then, so they’ve already had it - not the whole shebang if that’s not convenient for you, but stockings, presents, special breakfast, treats and something nice for tea. That way they’ll have had the magic and you can send them off to their dad’s without feeling sad.

frazzledasarock · 19/12/2022 12:24

I’d go for doing Christmas at yours and sending girls to him on Boxing Day or something. I wouldn’t let him ruin Christmas for them.

VimFuego101 · 19/12/2022 12:25

Absolutely no way in hell I'd be sending stockings to his house. I would do your Christmas before they go to his so that they don't feel disappointed or worry that they're missing out or won't get their 'real' Christmas.

That story up thread of the family waving sparklers to tell Father Christmas they're ready for Christmas Eve was lovely. My eyes are watering now.

LlynTegid · 19/12/2022 12:25

Celebrating largely on Christmas Eve can be said to be following the traditions more akin to Eastern Europe, so you could even argue (check if it is the case) to be doing so this year to think of the people of Ukraine.

RishisProudMum · 19/12/2022 12:26

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:55

He does have a tree and decorations... I bought them for him a couple of years back when he had nothing done and the girls were upset.

I also buy him presents from the girls and they wrap it and give it to him so he doesn't have nothing because it makes the girls sad.

God I'm just being a mug here aren't I?

I'm trying to take my feelings out of this and do right by the girls but I'm facilitating his shitty behaviour really.

Yes, you are being a mug. This is handmaiden nonsense.

AprilFools2015 · 19/12/2022 12:26

Option 1 OP defo...then proper effort xmas with you Mon & Tues. As the girls get older...they'll work out which parent put their intetests first for themselves.

DH (we're married & live tog with our son) has still not bought his parents & brother's gifts. He done little of the xmas buying generally, but is great on childcare & food. I have 11 other people to buy for each year instead of 3, so have to be motivated & spread the cost. Left to own devices he would struggle similarly to your ex as is not very organised. Winds me up every year, but he's not changed in 24 years, so I just crack on & get things done so Xmas is magical for our DS, because that's the point...its their day, not ours (when you have kids), let them spend it with their dad.

PolarBlair · 19/12/2022 12:26

Are the girls with you o. Christmas Eve morning? Make that the day Santa comes. Then on the 25th it doesn't matter what he does, either it's extra fun and more Santa or just another day. But they won't feel Santa has forgotten them

Godwindar · 19/12/2022 12:27

I'd get them out scattering the reindeer stuff at your house before they go to their Dad's and leaving a carrot etc out and explain it's so Santa drops some gifts off at your house as well. Then let them do Xmas with their dad his way. Then when you bring them back, do the whole 'let's see if he has been here as well' shebang. I'm guessing it will be late - so I'd let them open the stocking. Then boxing day, main pressies and a xmas lunch. It will still be fun and it sounds like they like their dad and just being there will be exciting. If they ask about traditions and leaving the carrot etc, then he will need to suck it up and realise.

Tickledtrout · 19/12/2022 12:27

Option 3.
Option 1 if they'll believe Santa knows where their real home is and gas left presents for them with you
Does he even want his children on Christmas Day?

LondonLovie · 19/12/2022 12:27

If he doesn't drive and won't come to get them.. I'd be keeping them for Xmas. That's his issue to make arrangements to get them from you, not your problem

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 12:27

(If they’re not with you on Christmas Eve then do it on the 23rd)

It’s actually a good thing to get them used to the idea that Christmas doesn’t have to be all about the day itself. The magic can happen on any day you need it to!

AlleeBee · 19/12/2022 12:27

Wardrobemalfunction22 · 19/12/2022 11:51

If your DC are under 7 they won't know which day is which anyway. So you could leave them at your ex for the weekend, then do a "proper" Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with you on Monday and Tuesday when everyone will still be on holiday and all the TV will be full of xmas movies and so on anyway.

I agree, except I'd do it beforehand - if you tell them it's Christmas Day on Friday, they'll believe you!

Autumntimeagain · 19/12/2022 12:27

Op after your update about his shitty idea of proper child access arrangements, (i.e it's when he wants, if he wants, and his selfish, shitty idea of what gifts to give his children) I don't think you should let them go to his at all for Xmas !

Under 7yrs old is too young to have the magic die, and you know damn well that he won't even TRY to make it 'magical' in any way for them ! (Chances are he won't even have bothered to put up the xmas tree etc, he'll probably ask the kids to do it FOR him FFS !!!

Keep them with you for Xmas (at the very least for the morning !!)

Also make sure that whatever 'gifts' he gives them come home with them to your house (and are never seen again !) as it's the only way he'll ever stop buying them for himself instead of his kids !!!

Hunkydory99 · 19/12/2022 12:28

Please please please don’t cover for him.
They need to start to realise how he is now or it’ll be harder for them as they get older having such high expectations which you will have to keep up. Their day won’t be rubbish, it’ll be different. And your time with them will more than make up for the rubbish day with him. He has no incentive to up his game when you’re always covering for him.

TonTonMacoute · 19/12/2022 12:28

Iam4eels · 19/12/2022 11:42

Let him have Christmas his way, shitty as it may be, and you do your own Christmas when they come home.

This.

If you do anything else they will take longer to realise what a useless shit he is. Do not compensate for him.

They will have nice stockings and things from you later, it's not going to be the end of the world if they suffer one disappointing Christmas Day.

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 12:28

Absolutely disgusting he tells them things like he's cold because be gives you money. What an absolute prick.

I had to pay him to take the girls for a week (twice what he gives me monthly) and provide all the clothes etc while I had a cancerous tumour removed, he was the only person who could have had them for a week and he never let me forget this 'favour' either. Now I have a disability due to the cancer he always reminds them he works and I don't.

He thinks nothing of making the girls sad to get at me, I'm just trying to be the person to put them first and realise I've probably gone too far into the territory of enabling him to be shit.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/12/2022 12:29

And don’t say Santa made a mistake.

do Christmas at yours as per normal. Do nothing that makes your girls put him on a pedestal. He’s a dick.

and take gift he gives your dds and eBay it and buy something for your dc they’d want.

Octo5 · 19/12/2022 12:29

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Option 1.

You cannot make up for his short comings by giving him stuff to give them and you can’t stop him from seeing his own kids if it’s his weekend.

What I would do though is have your Christmas on Christmas Eve or the day before and so they get the magic and presents, as they’ve been waiting for it for a long time, then his day won’t be so much of a disappointment.

I think if he does his Christmas first it will be more of a disappointment for them.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 19/12/2022 12:30

Yes they’re young enough now that they won’t know what day it is and more importantly they really wouldn’t care even if they did! They’ll take their cues about Christmas/Santa/how it all works from you.

I wouldn’t do it after because as pp have said if you do it first in their minds they’ll already have had Christmas. Avoids any disappointment!

thisplaceisweird · 19/12/2022 12:31

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 19/12/2022 11:52

Let them go to him and have a rubbish time. The more you cushion it the longer it will take them to realise that he is a bit crap (and blame you for not being as fun as daddy).

This.

Do 'your' christmas the day they are with you - wake them up and say 'santa said he knew you weren't at home last night so he sent his elves to bring you your stockings a day late' or something silly like that. Then give them the christmas you want to give them.

But don't cover for him. They wont know the difference between the 25th and the 26th.

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