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Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 19/12/2022 12:31

Definitely do your own Xmas, and do it before they go. Hopefully it will mitigate some of the sadness that dad doesn't give a shit if they have already had a Christmas.

krustykittens · 19/12/2022 12:31

I would be keeping them with me. They are far too young to have Christmas ruined for them, if he wants to kick off, he can go through the courts for access. While he is there, he can explain why he likes to complain to two very young children about their mother and the child support he has to pay.

deeperthanallroses · 19/12/2022 12:32

It’s not court ordered and he can do fuck all if you don’t send them so I’d absolutely fuck him off. I wouldn’t provide him with so much as a raisin, he doesn’t want them for Christmas after all. He doesn’t drive and you’d have to take them and pick them up, the only christmas things he has are ones you’ve given him because you’ve been a mug- you can’t make it christmas at this shit dads house. He wants them for a random day so give him a random day, why would you do anything else? Tell him they are staying with you that day and you are giving the girls a Christmas and if he wants to give them photographic equipment when you drop them over the next convenient day for him you are going to remind them they should get to use their presents. The magic years only last for a short time. Stop being a mug!!

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Christmas Events & celebrations Families
midnight90 · 19/12/2022 12:33

Let them go and have a shitty xmas with him, when they are older they will soon realise who the better parent was (you) as you make the effort. Give them a brilliant xmas night when they get home and say Santa came round while you were out, make a big fuss over them like you would normally do. Again they will soon work out mummy makes xmas magical and daddy is just boring. Hope you have a lovely Christmas OP

itsgettingweird · 19/12/2022 12:33

Option 1.

However bad his day sounds compared to the commercialised version of what Christmas should be like - he can actually do it how he likes.

Let him do him.

You do you.

And as the kids grow up and are old enough they get to decide what they want to do.

Quality time with their dad (on his years/ weekends) may always win out if you do the material stuff. Does it actually matter?

2bazookas · 19/12/2022 12:34

Before they go, tell the DC's " After you get home from Dad's, we'll do our presents and stockings and santa down the chimney just as usual. When you come home. "

How/what Ex does at Exmas is entirely up to him; make no comment to him or them.

When our children were small DH worked long shifts. We just had Christmas on another day, one he wasn't working. They weren't even aware of the date. They knew for sure there would be a superexcited bed time hanging up of stockings, carrots and mincepies left out for Santa; snowy footprints by the empty crumby plate in the morning; carols and unwrapping and presents and that dinner. You can still do all that.

My GC's parents parted and the kids take it for granted they score twice; two quite different Christmas traditions. Different food, different decor, different activities.. Just like lots of their friends.

1001Daffodils · 19/12/2022 12:34

Your ex is banking on you being concerned about the kind of Christmas your children will have and you making it up for him. He gets to be daddy of the moment with zero effort or consideration for anyone but himself. Fuck that for a start.

He's seen you do it for your older children so expect to have that thrown back in your face too.

Keep the magic where you've created it. Do not cover for him at all and create your own Christmas on a different timetable. Anything Father Christmas related can wait for their return home in the evening.

wildseas · 19/12/2022 12:35

Given that both kids are under 7 and probably aren't super fussed with dates etc then I would make christmas day the last full day that they are with you before they go to him. That way you mitigate their disapointment with him (because they've already had the xmas magic) but aren't covering for your ex and therefore storing up problems for when they are teenage.

The night before is therefore xmas eve so do stockings out / sleighbells / xmas films etc - whatever your normal tradition is. In the morning they wake up to stockings and your normal xmas day with presents under the tree, nice meal, lots of magic with you. Take them to a shop to choose a present for you too so that you've got something to unwrap. His presents are saved for when they're with him so that they are clearly separate.

I'd refer to them very neutrally as xmas with mum and xmas with dad rather than real/extra xmas.

Divebar2021 · 19/12/2022 12:35

Sorry OP - what an arsehole. What fascinates me is the fact that there seems to be no grandparents or family on his side giving him a kick up the backside. I can’t imagine one of my brothers behaving like this and my mum not reading them the riot act.

User65432 · 19/12/2022 12:35

I'd keep them with me too. They won't benefit by being with him, so sending them to their father, is for his benefit only. Why would you take any of their potential happiness away on what is a child's favourite day of the year.

He can take them for a day in January.

supercatlady · 19/12/2022 12:35

I wouldn’t risk him having the stockings and stuff in case he messes it up.
Just explain that Santa will come to your house and everything will be there when they get home.

or tell him they need to stay with you if he doesnt want to do Christmas as they enjoy it.

deeperthanallroses · 19/12/2022 12:35

itsgettingweird · 19/12/2022 12:33

Option 1.

However bad his day sounds compared to the commercialised version of what Christmas should be like - he can actually do it how he likes.

Let him do him.

You do you.

And as the kids grow up and are old enough they get to decide what they want to do.

Quality time with their dad (on his years/ weekends) may always win out if you do the material stuff. Does it actually matter?

Do you think this is quality time? My dad giving me something he wanted as a present wouldn’t be quality time, it would be miserable I feel a bit shit about this but I’m too young to work out why and I love my dad so I need to tell him it’s great and pretend I understand why he took it straight off me so he keeps loving me. What a piece of shit he is.

GloomyDarkness · 19/12/2022 12:36

Let him have Christmas his way, shitty as it may be, and you do your own Christmas when they come home.

I do this and make rest of time with you full of full and stuff - but you'd have to manage their expectations before hand otherwise as it's not court order I'd put foot down but that depends on what fall out you'd expect to get and how that will affect the girls going forward.

What I wouldn't do is cover for him or make excuses - set their expatiations dad not big on Christmas but we'll do x and y when you get back.

JoanOfAllTrades · 19/12/2022 12:37

@Rantaboutmytwatofanex

The whole reason that mediocre shit fathers get away with being shit is because mothers cover for them!

Let him give them pizza and microwaves (will come in handy for you at some point, I’m sure - please tell me that you didn’t leave the microwave there??).

Have Christmas on Boxing Day. Pretend to be Orthodox and have Christmas on January 9th 2023 (think of the bargains you will get for the kids in the sales).

Of course, if you’re very religious and it absolutely has to be on December 25th, then go and pick the kids up at about 1 o’clock, by which time the kids will be bored with playing with the microwave (unless the twat has stuck his head in it, whilst it was on) and the pizza will be either be burnt or raw, depending on how good twat’s cooking skills are!

But please, do not cover for the twat, because at some point they will come to realise that he is a twat and the disappointment will be so much more. Not to mention that they will not understand why you covered for him, thus allowing them to find out later that the man they had put on a pedestal had feet of clay!

Lbnc2021 · 19/12/2022 12:38

Like fuck would I be sending them there. No way would I be letting them have shite christmases to remember because he’s a selfish lazy arse.

Soothsayer1 · 19/12/2022 12:39

I would make no comment at all all about his plans for Christmas, and I would not offer to do anything to assist him with his Christmas Day.
I would tell the children that we are having our Christmas on a different day and I would do everything I could to make it wonderful.
His calculation is that you will be upset and you will run around and do everything for him, once he's got you to do that once it will be easier for him to get you to do it again, with the end result that he does very little you do all the work but he still scored the points and gets the glory of being a good parent
just humour him and make no comment about his arrangements, thats his business and it's completely up to him
It should be very very easy to outmanoeuvre this stupid lazy man

itsgettingweird · 19/12/2022 12:39

Deeper if their dad only sees them half a day every 2 weeks they may prefer to take that half a day and have a boring Xmas than miss it when they know mum will do it all anyway.

You'd be surprised what children from Seles aged families will choose. It isn't always what people say the mum should do because it's best for the kids.

StarDolphins · 19/12/2022 12:39

1 or 3 - probably 3 as long as the girls are happy to stay with you. No effort whatsoever!

Eixample · 19/12/2022 12:39

Do presents on the 24th like the Royal Family.
Do the stockings the last day they wake up with you so that they don’t spend the 25th thinking FC hasn’t been. You could put a note explaining why he came a day early if needed.
You could also give your ex a get-out-clause on the 23/24th asking if he’s sure he wants them to come or if he wouldn’t rather sleep in. He might be less keen as the day is actually becoming reality.

rhowton · 19/12/2022 12:40

If he was a good Dad, I would say option 1. But he's clearly not a good Dad, so I would go with option 3.

Christmas for children is magical between 3-8/9years. We only really have 6 years of them understanding enough and them still believing in Father Christmas. I wouldn't be wasting one of my 6 on a shit dad with no care for his kids. He can let them down their whole lives, but he shouldn't get a chance to do it with one of their 6 special Christmas'.

badassbaby · 19/12/2022 12:40

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

Tell him to fuck off!
Selfish twat.

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 12:42

Divebar2021 · 19/12/2022 12:35

Sorry OP - what an arsehole. What fascinates me is the fact that there seems to be no grandparents or family on his side giving him a kick up the backside. I can’t imagine one of my brothers behaving like this and my mum not reading them the riot act.

His family all live hundreds of miles away so they only know what he tells them, which is usually a very edited version of the truth where I'm the bad guy and he's just a poor dad trying to love his girls.

I had angry emails from several members of his family for forcing him to go to a solicitor for contact, he had told them I was withholding contact entirely, whereas I wanted set days for them (he could, and did, choose which ones I just wanted it to be regular) at that time he was messaging telling me he would have them from 2.45- 4.15 on Tuesday, which would have involved taking them out of childcare and then having to drop them off at childcare again, which wasn't allowed.

OP posts:
Fluffygoon · 19/12/2022 12:42

Think you have to play the long game here so option 1.

After Christmas tell him to get driving lessons as you’re not going to be running around after him any more. He sounds a selfish twat 💐

Sandra1984 · 19/12/2022 12:42

Have a conversation with your girls and ask if they want to spend the Christmas Day with dad. If they say “yes” just handle them to him and let him do his thing (pizza leftovers and all). Do what makes them happy not what makes you happy.

you can do the sticking things and fancy dinner with them at home.

Bleachmycloths · 19/12/2022 12:43

Give them a special Christmas present from you to unwrap at their dad’s? He sounds bitter and nasty.
And what kind of wanker wants to deprive their own children of a stocking cause ‘he never got a stocking’? That suggests he’s pretty thick, too.
you sound like a good person, OP. I hope you can sort things out. 🌺