I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

Keep them at yours for Christmas morning. Totally unacceptable for him to be such a prick and so unfair on your girls. I wouldn't trust someone like that not to spoil it for them anyway even if you provided all the stockings etc. Don't do op!!

Option 3! Without a shadow of a doubt

I do understand what you are saying about option 2 but it’s not your job to make sure they have a good Dad, it’s his and he’s not interested. I know as parents we want to protect our children and make sure they feel but I would work on acceptance that he’s just a shit Dad and not try to compensate for that when they are with him. They will probably end up hurt in the long run no matter what you do which I know is hard to accept but as much we would like to we can’t protect them from some things.

I would pick option three, if he can’t be arsed to do it then he doesn’t get to. It’s wholly he’s responsibility to give your children a nice Christmas whilst they are at his home but if his not going to, then they don’t go.

With any luck they will break the photography equipment upon opening. It does tend to be fragile after all.

they will still have a wonderful Christmas when they are back with you. Maybe you could up the Christmas magic by covering your place in extra decorations while they are gone? It wouldn’t have to cost much more than a roll or two of cello tape. You could make paper chains and snowflakes out of paper that is destined for the recycling bin.

Let him provide them with a crap Christmas, they most likely won’t want to bother in future years and will ask not to. They can have a nice day with you another day. He’s a dick.

I'd want to leave him to it but you only get so few years creating the magic with little ones that it seems a shame to waste it and hom potentially ruin it/ have them start questioning Father Christmas already. Can you keep them?

No advice here (lots of much wiser advice upthread) but just wanted to say bloody well done, OP, for putting your girls first, for making the effort and thinking it all through, you clearly care very deeply for them and are a lovely mum. It's just sickening to hear about this sperm donor's flaccid excuses for being such a miserable failure as a partner, parent and, indeed, human being.

Om my gosh, you're completely facilitating for your ex. The tree, presents and stockings. That's too far. Stop and withdraw. It's down to him if he wants to give a bleak christmas to his children when they're in his care. You can give the stockings to the girls when they return home. Tell them santa didn't realise they went to their dad's. It's okay for your girls not to enjoy going to their dads, if he is being lazy and disorganised. They'll probably want to stop going when they're older, because of how he is.

i would agree but no on Christmas or birthdays. It’s not a regular Saturday

What time are they going to his on Xmas eve? I'd suggest doing Christmas Eve type stuff with you before they go on 24th eg. baking some Christmas biscuits or cakes, having hot chocolate, watching a film and having a couple of small presents and a couple of books a selection box.

Then tell them Santa will bring their stocking and stuff to yours when they are back from dads - I love the signalling to Santa idea mentioned earlier so that they do all the reindeer food etc on Xmas day night at yours and you get your full Xmas day on boxing day.
Then they can take the stuff they bake and other Xmas eve stuff with them to dads so they have some Xmas stuff - just make sure anything not eaten is picked up when you pick them back up.
Then you aren't covering for him but the girls have something festive with them.
I wouldn't send reindeer food as Santa isn't stopping at dad's anyway if all they have is camera stuff.

Please don't do this. Making young children feel like they have to choose between parents is a shitty thing to do.

I would either move Christmas to Christmas eve or I'd keep them Christmas morning. Dont under any circumstances cover for him. It will set a precedent and take them longer to realise what kind of parent he is. He's a dick who don't give a toss of making something special for his young kids, no way would I put the graft in for him.

It has to be option 1. You can’t control how he does celebrations and where does it end? Can he never have them at Christmas? What you can control is:

• telling the girls Santa will be coming to yours Christmas night
• doing Christmas as normal on Boxing Day
• leaving them to it – the girls may love a non-traditional Christmas and although he sounds awful, he’s still their dad
• bringing the photography gift home with you! Then claiming it didn’t work, returning it and swapping it for a real gift 😉

This.
This.
This.

Every fucking time.

Do "your Christmas" for them on Christmas Eve. Like the royal family . Just tell them Santa does it this way for children who are going to Dads.

Christmas Eve can still be magical and Santa can come with their stockings, they can have those and play with their new things and maybe even take some to Dads.
Then when they come home on Christmas evening they can have their presents under the tree.

They are young, you can make it magical on any day of your choosing .

Don't criticise him or call him out
be polite and businesslike with him but write everything down
keep a detailed log of everything, communicate with him in writing as much as possible so that you have it to refer to in the future
write down everything that your children tell you about how Christmas went with him

Option 1 or 3.

Not 2. Let the girls see who he is. Don't cover for him. He's not a child.

Jeez that sounds awful, op. I'd be gutted for my children too. If they do end up going, could you give them their stockings when they come back and just say Santa dropped them off with you instead? Least they'll come home to some nice presents (and seriously, a microwave? What is wrong with him?)

Sorry OP he sounds shit. I would keep them for xmas morning and lunch then send them to his for a few hours in the afternoon, your kids having a nice Christmas is the priority and he isnt stepping up to provide it

The girls have said (I haven't asked) they want to spend Christmas here but don't want dad to be alone. So I've said that's fine we will have Christmas here as well and it would be fun to have 2.

I never considered doing Xmas early though so that may be a good shout actually.

I don't even do a big fancy dinner really, there are just lots of snacks about, crackers, decorations etc. I'm not a control freak and think Xmas should only be one set way, but I do think little ones should have stockings and snacks and someone trying to do a bit of magic for them rather than just "here's a present you can't use and some pizza, go stick a film on while I nap).

According to my girls he spends lots of time asleep when they are there, and they seem to soley play Minecraft on his weekends and not much else so I don't think he's fussed about quality time, he just wants his agreed days.

They will be there from Friday tea time until Sunday night so my options will be the 23rd or the 26th for doing Xmas (my oldest works so won't be there for either of those days either which the girls will be gutted about).

I'm really not trying to prevent him seeing the girls at all, I just want them to have an amazing day.

Do Xmas day at your house the day before they go to there dads.

OP says they are 'under 7', so I'm assuming the oldest is 6.

Of course they know what day it is! They're at school, they have friends, they watch TV and presumably have an advent calendar.

I remember counting down the days throughout December - there's no way you could 'pretend' it's not Christmas Day on Sunday.

You can do any of the other things mentioned here to make it special, but don't pretend 25th December isn't Christmas Day.

He deserves to be told to f* off but don't do it because it makes you look bad everything he does is designed to make you look bad and him look good, ultimately he wants you to do the work and him get the credit

I’d have a letter from Santa ready when they come back home to say he came to drop their stocking presents off but they weren’t there . Say that it was actually a great help to Santa as he was running behind, and he hopes they don’t mind if he comes back tonight (on Christmas Day night) to drop off their presents then instead.

You can then do all of the key / reindeer food rituals at yours that night without taking on any of your ex’s workload.

What ever you decide make sure that when you pick your children up make sure you bring THEIR presents home with them. Would love to see his face