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Original poster

I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

480 replies

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 19/12/2022 11:39

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 21/12/2022 20:41

I truly believe no Dad is better than a crap one - from someone with a crap Dad. If he pulls out of their lives entirely, that's on him and I feel better to save them from his abuse, neglect and rejection now than years down the line. They think they live him because that's what kids do, they are open and forgiving and accept what they're told/how things are from people they're supposed to be able to trust.

Really really happy to see your update and you protecting your girls. I hope you have an amazing Christmas together.

Dumpstertruck · 21/12/2022 20:56

Amazing update, bloody well done OP.

I'm with @MamaFirst , it's on him if he doesn't want to make the effort. And if he's the kind of Dad that won't make the effort, your girls are better off tbh.

Have a lovely Christmas!

TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 21/12/2022 21:19

I’m cheering you on from my sofa, OP! Well done indeed, and I am SO glad that posting here has helped you to see the situation differently. Have a wonderful Christmas with your children, and look forward to being able to get things arranged to take better care of all of you in the new year.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 21:24

Marvelous update!!! Keep believing in yourself and your abilities to make the right decisions. Be strong.

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2022 21:48

I'd sell it to kids as 2 Xmas's one with daddy and one with mummy. Let him celebrate his way and you do yours. Don't slate his . The kids will have times with each parent.

Peridot1 · 21/12/2022 22:20

I’m so pleased to read this.

You have been trying to do right by your girls and that’s totally understandable. Sadly he has not and won’t.

Have a wonderful Christmas. And sending you the very best for your surgery and recovery.

frazzledasarock · 21/12/2022 23:07

Your girls won’t feel bad. They need a breather from him too.

they’ll feel bad due to the guilt trips from him. And they need the burden of being made to feel responsible for a grown ass man to be removed from them.

also any communication you now have with your ex eg offering contact whilst you recuperate from your op. Do it via email, so you have his written refusal. Make sure it’s clear in your email you are medically unfit to drive your dc to contact as you have been doing solely for however long, and that your DP will happily do the drop offs.

you need a single email from him refusing and you can show courts how much he doesn’t want his own DC. Children need consistency, and he’s not offering that.

deeperthanallroses · 21/12/2022 23:23

im so relieved for your girls op and glad that you’ve seen what he’s doing to all of you. Even just your last update- come the start of jan he will refuse to see them for 6 weeks since you will be too unwell to drive and he won’t let your dp KINDLY DROP HIS OWN CHILDREN AT HIS HOUSE SO HE CAN STILL SEE THEM WITHOUT HAVING TO LIFT A FINGER, BUT HED RATHER NOT SEE THEM?? You aren’t robbing him of a Christmas with his girls , you are robbing him of an opportunity to abuse them and hurt you and more power to you for doing this! I think one of the best bits of neutral contact site is he will have to get up off his bum to see them since they aren’t being delivered and picked up. Let’s see if he bothers!

Jewel7 · 21/12/2022 23:58

I think I’d have them for the morning. He clearly wants a bit of fun without the effort! You can do stockings etc. if they are quite young they probably won’t be worried about what he feeds them.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 22/12/2022 07:28

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 21/12/2022 20:32

Thank you, I don't feel very strong, I feel like a bit of an idiot at the minute, and I'm gutted at what my poor girls have been through because of my decisions.I'm not removing access entirely, he will still see the girls, over the Christmas period it will be supervised, and then I intend to speak to a solicitor to discuss things to see what is the best thing for my girls.Come the start of January he will refuse to see them as I can't do the drop offs for probably 6 weeks and he won't tolerate my dp doing it, so realistically I'm just starting it a couple of weeks early.I know it's not ideal, it's not really what I wanted to do but I just really don't have a perfect option right now unfortunately.I'm going to feel guilty, and my girls will suffer to some extent regardless of what's decided now so I'm just trying to minimise their hurt.

You are not an idiot. You are an abuse victim. Abuse does a lot of damage that the victim is often unable to see - destroying your self esteem, causing you to question and doubt yourself, normalising the abusive behaviour, sapping your emotional strength etc. Do not blame yourself for sometimes not seeing the wood for the trees, it's his abusive behaviour that has caused that. Stay strong and keep reaching out for support to those who want to help you.

hellycat · 22/12/2022 07:43

This sounds the type of man who, the minute he procures himself a new victim, sorry, finds a new partner, will discard his children anyway. If he's disengaged and negligent now, he will completely abandon them once he's getting sex from another woman. Sounds as if he sees his kids out of boredom and a sense of sufferance now. Sorry OP, what an awful-sounding man. Your children really do deserve better.

OhamIreally · 22/12/2022 09:42

I'm so pleased to see your update OP. You are doing right by your girls and yourself. You should be proud.

forrestgreen · 22/12/2022 12:38

Fantastic. Just be honest with the girls. It'll be a shock at first but you've been protecting them so they won't have seen it.

'Dad hasn't sorted Christmas out so this year we're spending it together. I think he's going to his family so he doesn't have to be on his own. You'll see dad soon after Christmas and can give him your gifts then'

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 22/12/2022 15:35

Thank you for all your lovely messages.As predicted his family have all been messaging (I'm blocking them as I go). He has told them I'm jealous he has a new girlfriend and withholding the kids due to that. I didn't know he had a girlfriend, but last time he had one I was delighted as he really stepped up and my girls really liked her as well, I never met her but she treated my girls well while she was there. When they split after 6 months or so he fell back into his old ways again.I've said to the girls that they aren't going to their dad's and they were absolutely fine about it, they didn't ask, so I didn't explain anything and we have just been having fun.Again, I want to thank you for pointing out where I was going wrong, I had a very abusive childhood so I do really struggle with seeing what is 'normal' as I have no experience of what normal is. I try my hardest, and get a lot of things wrong, but I make all my decisions by trying to put myself in their shoes and do what's right by them. I always apologise when I fuck up, so I'll have some big apologies to make to my girls when they are old enough to have a real conversation about all this with.I know MNers get a fair bit of stick for going off track on threads and doing some straight talking, but I'm so glad you all did.Merry Christmas when it comes around🤶 🎅 🎄 I hope you all have an amazing day and a wonderful new year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 22/12/2022 15:36

I swear I put paragraphs in that, sorry if its hard to read.

OP posts:
Sistanotcista · 22/12/2022 15:38

Iam4eels · 19/12/2022 11:42

Let him have Christmas his way, shitty as it may be, and you do your own Christmas when they come home.

I would do this too

Sistanotcista · 22/12/2022 15:42

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 21/12/2022 19:41

pointing out where I have been going wrong.

This is going to make me sound really stupid, but I was in a refuge once upon a time, I did the courses and have applied what I learned to relationships, but I just never thought to apply it to my ex as we aren't in a relationship.

I took time out yesterday to do the online freedom programme again, and I have just been so blind and stupid. He is so obviously abusive.

I spend lots of time building my girls up, teaching them about boundries and how to love themselves, I have so many books, we have had so many conversations, and I've been giving them so many mixed messages because I didn't apply any of it to their dad.

I was so focused on not damaging them the way my older ones are damaged that I've been doing it a whole new way without even realising.

So I've decided on a few things

1 - they aren't going there for Xmas, I told ex, he kicked off so I have blocked him for now.

2 - contact won't be at his house, he can have soft play or similar for now until I think properly how to move forward

3 - he isn't going to have them while I have my operation.

4 - when my dp moves in to help me after my op I'm going to talk with him and my kids about making it permanent, we have wanted to for quite some time but I didn't want the girls dad making them feel bad about it and causing trouble, I've known him for over a decade we have been together over 3 years, he literally drops everything to help me and my kids and was hugely supportive when I had cancer the first time around. I'm not putting my life on hold to appease my ex.

Not the result I hoped for, but given what's been pointed out its the best option I think.

Thank you all for opening my eyes here. I really do appreciate it.

(Oh and don't worry about the reindeer food, I use oats and cake sprinkles so it's environmentally friendly 😊)

Good for you, OP. Wishing you everything of the best with your operation, and your life as you move on. You sound like an amazing parent, who is a great example.

diddl · 22/12/2022 15:55

New girlfriend?

Daughters don't have to worry about him being alone then.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2022 16:33

Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 22/12/2022 15:35

Thank you for all your lovely messages.As predicted his family have all been messaging (I'm blocking them as I go). He has told them I'm jealous he has a new girlfriend and withholding the kids due to that. I didn't know he had a girlfriend, but last time he had one I was delighted as he really stepped up and my girls really liked her as well, I never met her but she treated my girls well while she was there. When they split after 6 months or so he fell back into his old ways again.I've said to the girls that they aren't going to their dad's and they were absolutely fine about it, they didn't ask, so I didn't explain anything and we have just been having fun.Again, I want to thank you for pointing out where I was going wrong, I had a very abusive childhood so I do really struggle with seeing what is 'normal' as I have no experience of what normal is. I try my hardest, and get a lot of things wrong, but I make all my decisions by trying to put myself in their shoes and do what's right by them. I always apologise when I fuck up, so I'll have some big apologies to make to my girls when they are old enough to have a real conversation about all this with.I know MNers get a fair bit of stick for going off track on threads and doing some straight talking, but I'm so glad you all did.Merry Christmas when it comes around🤶 🎅 🎄 I hope you all have an amazing day and a wonderful new year.

@Rantaboutmytwatofanex

Wonderful update!! And wonderful news about the new gf. Hopefully that'll be his focus, at least for now.

Yes, block his family, one by one. And don't answer calls from numbers you don't know. If they're important calls, they'll leave you a message and you can call back.

Enjoy these wonderful days with your DDs. They fly so fast. Say nothing more about their dad and if they ask just say he has 'other plans' for Xmas.

ilovesushi · 22/12/2022 19:05

Good luck OP! You are doing what is right for your girls and yourself. Have a lovely Christmas.

AprilFools2015 · 23/12/2022 08:21

Excellent news OP, have a lovely Christmas & do everything legally now...someone said communicate by email, that's a good idea, written evidence.

Fingers x that new gf is stablising for him, that the girls enjoy xmas & your op goes well; good luck to you & your partner for future.

I'm sorry to read you experienced abuse as a child yourself as well as abusive relationships...fingers x for healing for you all.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 23/12/2022 11:24

Such a great update, well done - don’t beat yourself up, you should be proud you’ve come to this realisation! I hope you and the girls have a wonderful Christmas and your treatment goes really well x

SmileWithADimple · 23/12/2022 12:06

Great update! Feel proud of yourself OP.

OhamIreally · 25/12/2022 13:18

Came back to say hope your girls enjoyed their stockings and you are having a festive day

Original poster
Rantaboutmytwatofanex · 26/12/2022 20:33

Thank you, we had an amazing day, santa came, we ate our own body weights in food and the girls had a lovely time and never mentioned their dad once. I had already blocked his family by Christmas day so it was peaceful.

Unfortunately my boyfriend and I did split up, he got drunk and said something pretty nasty I've never once seen him like that but I could never trust him after a drink again. I've got so much on right now that I haven't really processed that yet. I have, however sorted between my friend and my kids that I have my op covered. Probably best I move forward for this phase alone anyway, I'll be pretty unwell and not up for being personable. I'm sad about it, and it was very unexpected, but I've been through worse and come out the other side.

I hope you all had wonderful Christmases and are looking forward to heading into 2023 very soon.

OP posts:
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