I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my dickhead ex about his Xmas plans. I need impartial views on what I should do.

[Rantaboutmytwatofanex]

Ex and I have 2 daughters, both under 7, we split when they were a newborn and 2 and have been attempting to co-parent since.

There is a long and colourful history of him being a mediocre father, and he has only had them for Christmas one half day (his choice) but has insisted on Christmas this year as it falls on his weekend. I'm obviously gutted to miss out for myself, but I'm excited the girls will spend the day with their dad.

Knowing what he is like I asked what he had bought them and if he has a stocking sorted etc.

He has bought them both 1 inappropriate gift each (stuff that he wants, and the girls have no interest in and are far too young for) and he said he isn't pissing about doing a stocking for them as he never had when he was a kid. He has no extra food in because they can have leftovers when I pick them up and he will just do pizza.

They won't miss out because I have stuff they need/have asked for/will like, and I know they will be really grateful for what they recieve at his house, but the things he has aren't even toys and are totally unusable for the girls.

So my choices are:

Leave them to have a no effort Christmas with their dad.

Provide the stockings they have here which will include treat food and small toys and books and give him all the santa key, reindeer food etc that make Xmas magic for little ones.

Tell him to fuck off and I just do Xmas as normal here and keep them.

I think I'm swaying towards the second option as they do love him, but I also resent the fact I have to put in the effort because he can't be arsed.

I've already spoken to him and he will not be making any additional effort at all, so that's not an option.

Any advice about what I should do?

or if you are getting them back xmas night could you say before hand that you have told Santa they are not at home xmas eve so he is going to come xmas night instead and then do the whole xmas shabang xmas night/boxing day instead. That way you arent seen to be stopping ex seeing the kids but also if he isnt bothered about the magic you still get to do that?

I'd go option 1. They have everything from you and they'll soon realise for themselves that he is a waste of space.

Yes, another option 1 opinion here. You can give them a fab Xmas the next day.

They will get to see their father, at least.
I might prepare them a bit before they go, along the lines of Daddy's Xmas is going to be different from our Xmas at home, won't it be fun to have two, sort of thing.
I might even send them along with some of their toys (not new ones), Xmas sweets or something, if you think they won't be available there.
But I'm damned if I would do the whole thing if he can't be arsed.

He does have a tree and decorations... I bought them for him a couple of years back when he had nothing done and the girls were upset.

I also buy him presents from the girls and they wrap it and give it to him so he doesn't have nothing because it makes the girls sad.

God I'm just being a mug here aren't I?

I'm trying to take my feelings out of this and do right by the girls but I'm facilitating his shitty behaviour really.

Don’t you dare provide things to cover up his laziness. Either let him screw it up so the kids never want to go again, or tell him to fuck off and keep them with you.

Give them a stocking each on Christmas Eve or on Boxing day morning (or whatever the days are before or after he has them). Christmas magic doesn’t have to happen on the actual day.

Give them Christmas a day later. Don't give him anything.

As pp said, will the girls realise it's Christmas day? Could you just blag it and have Monday as Christmas day?

Let him have them for his half and day then do Christmas at your house.

Don't cover for him but don't make it worse. It's what my mum did and I saw soon enough what he was like.

I'm amazed she managed to be so quite about how rubbish he could be ( and even today continues to show very little interest in him and doesn't pass judgment). Equally she doesn't make excuses or cover for him.

I taking a similar line with my DC. They have grandparents that shower them with love and attention and then there is my DF. I don't make excuses but I don't criticise. They'll see for themselves as they get older.

Let him do it his way and have a second Christmas your way when they get back home 🤷‍♀️

I couldn't let young kids not get a stocking for Christmas. Can you imagine how upset they'll be thinking Santa missed them out?

I'd go with option 3. He doesn't sound like he deserves to spend Christmas with them, the selfish prick.

Option one.

He probably assumes you're going to provide all the nice things for him to give to the children - so he doesn't bother making any effort.

Drop the rope.

If he doesn't step up then the kids will realise one day that he's a deadbeat dad - it's not your job to gaslight the kids by covering up for him so he looks like a fabulous father.

You can do a magical Xmas for you and your kids during the time they are with you.

Hé gave them a microwave?! And biscuits?!

Whichever option you go for (1 or 3) please share what this diamond has gotten for his little daughters this year. My mind is boggling.

I've had to alter things for Christmas before and be "inventive" with Santa coming (one year he came to our car while we were inside a motorway McDonalds on Christmas Eve - he even managed to open the door to put presents inside 😉). So even if you're doing option 1 (which you don't have to) there are ways around his fuck ups.

Sod him. Keep them with you. He can have his shitty Christmas with them on a different day. They will think Santa missed them.

I think Father Christmas bringing gifts to main home/doing Christmas at another time etc is the best plan. Bailing him out isn't the answer to this but I would be making sure they didn't lose the magic of Christmas as well as they are still so little.

It's not court ordered and your priority here is your children. Tell him to fuck off with his poor excuse of a Christmas and keep your children with you. You only have so many magical Christmas days with young kids- please don't let him ruin it for them.

father christmas can deliver the stockigns to their family home, ie, with you.

Stop ferrying them, offer to meet half way but that's it. I would be doing an at home Christmas and doing the whole big Christmas thing and then let them go there and say nothing.

You are enabling him and you are showing your DDs that this is what women do. Show and tell them that this is NOT what a good man does.

Tell them Christmas is when they come home, they're going to their dad's before Christmas then home to you for Santa and Christmas Dinner.

I would do Christmas on another day and make it as magical as possible.
Send them off with a pack up of treats-including reindeer food and anything else they might want to take for comfort.
Then they get 2 Christmases, and you still get the fun stuff, too.

We always did contact noon Christmas eve - noon boxing day, I was fortunate enough to work term time only so we just moved the entire Christmas celebration to a different day. I wouldnt try and squeeze it into a half day as transitions between homes are hard at the best of times let alone with the extra excitement and overwhelmingness of Christmas.

Let him do his bit and then you do it properly. They'll see him for what he is when they are older. DD is a teen now and loves her dad and enjoys seeing him but says it's more like visiting an Uncle than a parent and that's fine.

Teen DD doesn't even like Christmas Dinner and has infact asked for pizza this year, hasn't wanted to put any decorations up and is generally a bit bah humbug about the entire event so would probably like your Exs idea of Christmas.

For me, option 1

I would be getting Santa to come early on Christmas Eve morning with a note saying because they are not going to be home. Dont be tempted to try and make Christmas for your ex. You have no control over that and would likely to be frustrated at the outcome even if you provide.

Oh and when she was little we did the advent calendar as a countdown to 'our' Christmas, not the 25th. Its a bit late now but that is a useful tool aswell and just told her via the Elf that Santa was coming on X date.

You can't send the children there if he's not going to actually celebrate Christmas. There is no court order so go back and negotiate, hard.