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Original poster

Last night dp lost his temper

348 replies

melonpips · 19/12/2022 06:49

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

OP posts:
onedayiwillmissthis · 19/12/2022 07:10

Are you over reacting? Yes.

ChessieDarling · 19/12/2022 07:18

I think you are overreacting, yes.

CaptainMum · 19/12/2022 07:20

Why did your children watch a cartoon and not be punished?

FourTeaFallOut · 19/12/2022 07:22

So, he yelled at them because they wouldn't stop play fighting? And he's never yelled before? And then he went out for a walk, came back and apologised?

I mean, it doesn't seem worrisome unless I've missed something?

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:22

@CaptainMum because I was in a state of shock and I needed everyone to calm down at that moment.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 19/12/2022 07:23

You are overreacting. He lost his temper, went out to calm down then apologised. That does happen sometimes.

Why did your children watch a cartoon and not be punished?

Good question.

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:24

He's shouted at them before, but it was worrisome this time as it was like a switch flipped and he became someone else. It scared me.

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 19/12/2022 07:24

I have lost my temper like that, only a couple of times. He is human. He didn't threaten anyone or hurt anyone. He lost his temper. It sounds like your childhood experience of this was scary and I am guessing you were triggered back in time when your dh was angry.

Blondlashes · 19/12/2022 07:25

Kindly, you are over reacting. He didn’t hurt you. People cannot be perfectly behaved all the time and he lost his temper.
You are projecting.
Maybe he has something on his mind? I would ask him in a quiet moment.

BigGreen · 19/12/2022 07:26

Is he ok? Ia he very stressed or upset about something?

RoseDog · 19/12/2022 07:26

I think you are being unreasonable, he probably looked at you to back him up and all your DC will have learned is if they are naughty they will get to watch cartoons.

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:29

It's upsetting to know that most people think I'm overreacting.
My childhood definitely has made me feel more frightened in these situations.

Imagine being a child and watching your dad scream in a rage at your mum for no reason and it lead to violence.

I didn't know for sure that partner would not hit any of us.

OP posts:
FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 19/12/2022 07:29

I think if your dh has only lost his temper once in 15 years, you are doing OK.
I know where you are coming from though. My ddad was Mr Angry with a short fuse. I picked a husband who was opposite.

Stickmansmum · 19/12/2022 07:30

I think you’ve been badly triggered here. And you were the only one there to judge how much danger you were in. But I suspect it’s more your perception than the reality, it sounds like he is not a violent man at all from what you say.

I think you should speak to him that whether or not it’s normal to lose your temper at times it’s a boundary for you so he needs to walk out before unleashing his temper in future.

it’s difficult though because yes, most of us are capable of losing ourselves to rage momentarily like you describe he did.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 19/12/2022 07:30

There could be so much else here, but on the face of it he wasn’t unreasonable. Not award winning parenting from him but your kids were play fighting and ignoring him and he got angry at them. Which you then didn’t back up because you let them watch cartoons.

However that’s an outsiders perspective without knowing a million different things about your relationship, and judging it on most of the relationships I know.

Snowpaw · 19/12/2022 07:30

Human nature to lose temper once in a while, and once in 15 years does not sound excessive by any means. There was no violence.

Sounds like he handled the situation ok afterwards. Calmed down and apologised. Hopefully you two can have a talk about how the situation got to that stage and what you can all do as a family to prevent things getting to that point in future, e.g picking up the signs of restless children and all going outdoors as a family if children are getting too physical, or each of you getting some solo exercise time on a weekend to help you all keep calm when parenting, and so forth.

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:32

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 19/12/2022 07:29

I think if your dh has only lost his temper once in 15 years, you are doing OK.
I know where you are coming from though. My ddad was Mr Angry with a short fuse. I picked a husband who was opposite.

I thought i did too. So can you imagine my disappointment when I see he can be Mr Angry, after 15 years!

OP posts:
Blocked · 19/12/2022 07:33

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:29

It's upsetting to know that most people think I'm overreacting.
My childhood definitely has made me feel more frightened in these situations.

Imagine being a child and watching your dad scream in a rage at your mum for no reason and it lead to violence.

I didn't know for sure that partner would not hit any of us.

Statistically, quite a lot of us will have witnessed domestic violence as children. I did too. I also find it really difficult to tolerate DH even raising his voice, but we can't be perfect gentle parents all the time. Have you really never lost your shit when the kids are driving you nuts?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 19/12/2022 07:34

So your children were being incredibly annoying and your DP lost his rag? Good parenting? no, but he’s a human being and you’re being a bit ridiculous. Maybe if you find it this triggering for people to have a normal range of emotions you need therapy

Frostyfield · 19/12/2022 07:34

He wasn’t really Mr Angry though.

He listened to you.

He went for a walk and calmed down.

He apologised.

I mean, I’m really sorry you’re upset but I think the reason posters are saying you’re overreacting is because he did all the right things there - don’t make it into a bigger deal than it is.

FlamingJingleBells · 19/12/2022 07:36

Your kids play fighting seems to have triggered your husband and his anger has triggered you. I'll be honest here, I can't stand play fighting, kids screaming and bickering.

I have PTSD from a difficult situation and kids fighting like yours did will trigger me. My first reaction is fight or flight when I hear a child screaming, I need them to stop asap. I've learnt to leave the room but there has been occasions where I've reacted badly like your dh. I just wanted you to see another perspective.

Alexandernevermind · 19/12/2022 07:36

I understand why this would have been a trigger for you, but you need to recognise that it's about your past, not your dh. Standing up and screaming at them wasn't great, but we are all human. There isn't a pattern of verbal abuse or threatening behaviour. Anyone who hadn't gone through what you did as a child would have told him to calm down but accepted it for what it was, just a dad at the end of his tether. You need to talk to him, perhaps with professional, about your past and how his outburst made you feel.

astronewt · 19/12/2022 07:37

It's clear you've been badly triggered by this, and I'm sorry that you are finding it so hard. But objectively, from the outside, this just makes him human. He wasn't violent, he didn't threaten anyone, he didn't explode more than momentarily and he handled it appropriately. He lost his temper. Kids drive all of us to it eventually.

I think if you struggle so hard with this, you need to get some support for yourself in how to manage these emotions. He can't promise to never be angry again; he's human.

WeWereInParis · 19/12/2022 07:38

So can you imagine my disappointment when I see he can be Mr Angry, after 15 years!

Anyone can have moments of anger but one moment doesn't make someone "Mr Angry". Everyone can lose their temper, there's a difference between someone being angry occasionally, and someone being an angry person.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/12/2022 07:39

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:32

I thought i did too. So can you imagine my disappointment when I see he can be Mr Angry, after 15 years!

Show quote history

Everyone can get angry and yell. Most parents have yelled at their kids in anger at one time or another. If this is genuinely the first time then yes, your past is colouring your response.

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