Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

It depends on a few things as to whether the apology would be meaningful or helpful.

1. How long have I known them and is the behaviour out of character based on what I know of them, or is there a worrying pattern developing here (a one off incident is not a pattern, but escalating levels of anger/frustration/shouting incidents over a period of weeks or months might be)
2. Is the apology sincere
3. Are they taking steps to ensure they won’t repeat the behaviour, such as “next time the kids are play fighting and getting on my nerves and I feel like I might lose my rag I will walk away”

The behaviour from DP was not acceptable (sounds like he recognises that) and has triggered you massively, which is understandable because a) a man shouting in the faces of women and kids is frightening and upsetting and b) this is amplified for you because of your traumatic upbringing. He absolutely needs to understand the impact him losing it has had on you and take steps to avoid this in future.

However, you are also responsible for your own feelings when triggered and how you act on them, and yes, some of what you’ve described does feel over reactive, such as not being able to leave the DC in his care. We can’t expect our loved ones to be perfect humans and never ever trigger us because we have trauma responses. You are experiencing, by the sound of it, the effects of a hyper-activated nervous system rather than you or your children genuinely not being physically safe. Finding ways to ground and soothe yourself might be helpful. Distancing yourself from your feelings can help too, maybe by saying to yourself something like “I notice I’m having a feeling of fearfulness and this is making me think I can’t trust my DP around the children” rather than “I feel fearful and can’t trust him around the children” for example.

Disclaimer: This does not apply if you are in a situation where there is an emerging or escalating pattern of emotionally abusive behaviour or uncontrolled anger to you and your children and only you know OP if this genuinely is a one off incident or not.

I’d feel the same op. My DH never shouts or outwardly loses his temper so if he did I’d be 😲 too. It’s what you’re used to. I’d check in with him properly later and make sure he’s okay.

@LuckySantangelo35 Did you miss THIS? He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

He looked at HER like he was going to hurt her. HER. Not the kids.

Please don't minimise a woman's fears. We all KNOW that 'look'. She knows him, you don't.

Because her experience is that this is a man that has literally never been violent, and wasn't violent on this occasion - she does not KNOW that just because his face looked angry he was going to hit her. That is jumping to wild conclusions.

I hear you…my childhood was quite unhappy with parents not getting on at times and loosing their tempers. When my DH (who has never harmed a hair on mine or their heads) looses his temper with the kids and sounds angry I worry loads and think it’s not normal. What helps me to put it in perspective is to compare it with my behaviour, I, not often, but sometimes shout at the kids and probably sound angry, if I’m honest more times than him. So I’m judging him for behaviour I exhibit and think is fine 😂🙄…that helps me get it in perspective if that makes sense!

This.

They were told several times to stop and didn't and pushed your DH to his limit.

I know children can get over-excited at Christmas, but adults can get stressed, and can just take so much.

He shouted (one in 15 years - not a bad average) and then left to cool down.

You are over-reacting.

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children

i find it concerning that after 1 incident in 15 years you are now of the mindset he's not ok around your children.
They were being really annoying and disrespectful in not stopping when he said (and if you just ignored it you were undermining him, way to go) and then when he did the right thing and removed himself, calmed down and apologised to you all you are still thinking he's wrong,
What have you said to the DCs about their behaviour and not stopping when told? Have they apologised to their dad? You say you were triggered by his actions, and i understand that (have you had therapy?) but he might not be able to handle children screaming. I know my dad couldn't - although we weren't generally disrespectful enough to ignore him when he told us to stop.

Because her experience is that this is a man that has literally never been violent, and wasn't violent on this occasion - she does not KNOW that just because his face looked angry he was going to hit her. That is jumping to wild conclusions.

Of course she doesn't know that, but she felt like there was a possibility. A man who's never, ever been violent flipped so quickly and so aggressively that she genuinely felt there was potential there - and people are telling her that's fine and normal.

There's always a first time for abuse or violence. Sometimes it happens 15 weeks into a relationship. Sometimes it takes 15 years.

Ask him why he reacted so strongly. Has he got something stressing him out that you don't know about.

To be honest you seem to want everyone to tell you to leave him, so if that's what you want - do it. What is the point in asking a load of randoms a question, and then refusing to accept that they feel you are overreacting.

All men have 'literally never been violent' at one point. There is always the first time.

By her posts, this was different. I am sure she knows what he looks like when he's angry. She said, - and I choose to believe her - that he looked like he was going to hurt her.

Do you suggest you know him and his intentions better than her? That she doesn't know her own partner? That women should just ignore their instincts because he hasn't (yet) hurt her before? You realise that telling women they are 'jumping to conclusions' when it comes to possible domestic violence is dangerous?

Agree with PP though I only get 'emotional flashbacks' sometimes which is what this could be.

I don't see / experience anything but it triggers the same emotional response.

I've just had a year of it with a gaslighting boss where I knew some of my reaction was appropriate and some of it was way beyond what other people were feeling in the same situation. They can be hard to spot - it's taken me months in this particular instance but I've realised it's triggered some specific emotional abuse in my childhood and that's where the 'overreaction' part is coming from.

(Also to a PP I really can't see where a group of women sharing their experiences, many of very similar backgrounds of childhood abuse, can be 'invalidating women's experiences'. We are women sharing our own experiences and hard won insight. Perhaps you don't understand the impact of PTSD on perception?)

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1

he didn’t though

of course he could hurt her
just like she could hurt him if she wanted

but he never has and he didn’t then

people lose their temper, they will look absolutely furious and yeah they could hurt someone - most people don’t and OP’s DH is no exception to that.

what do you suggest she do? LTB?

OP never said he has only shouted this once. You are inventing a narrative there to excuse his abuse of her and the kids.

Have you talked to him about how he feels about this? The only time in the best part of 30 years dh has lost his rag in such a way he was under threat of redundancy. I don't have your background so I was bewildered rather than scared. I'm absolutely not excusing your dh's behaviour or minimising your feelings but I'd be checking there's no underlying stress. And also teaching your dc that stop means stop!

Its Christmas, people get stressed and anxious, patience is thin and tempers get lost easily. The only thing this proves Is hes human.

No one actually got hurt, no one was threatened to get hurt , he apologised for his actions .

*Of course she doesn't know that, but she felt like there was a possibility. A man who's never, ever been violent flipped so quickly and so aggressively that she genuinely felt there was potential there - and people are telling her that's fine and normal.

There's always a first time for abuse or violence. Sometimes it happens 15 weeks into a relationship. Sometimes it takes 15 years*

But there was no abuse here. It is not reasonable to say that someone shouting with an angry face is demonstrating their first instance of being physically abusive. It would be different if he'd actually shown any signs that he might hit her or them.

I'm not saying she should straight up LTB, but I am saying I think she knows her partner more than we do, and dismissing a woman's instincts - that we have for a reason, and attempting to dismiss her concerns and invalidate them is certainly irresponsible and not something women should do for each other.

She was frightened. There was a REASON she was frightened. And had never been before. Please lets not tell women they are imagining things and over-reacting.

So you are overreacting because he never touched you or shouted st you but was sick of your kids not listening.

She said he's been angry before, but not like this.

This time was different. She saw something else.

Lets please stop minimising what we women see. There is a reason she was truly frightened this time.

Op has a traumatic past where anger led to violence and anger is now wired into her brain to be seen as a threat. That's why she's looking at anger and assuming/panicking it means violence will follow now.

She has very accurately described a trauma response, she has not described anything to suggest anyone was ever in danger. The fact that her children didn't feel in danger of violence is telling because children are much quicker to pick up on that due to their vulnerability.

And losing one's temper once is not abusive, it's unhelpful to everyone to suggest it is.

Did you not back your dh up when the kids were misbehaving and were told to stop? Maybe that's why your dh is angry. Even a saint would lose it eventually having to listen to that.

You're not overreacting but it takes two to parent and you rewarded their bad behaviour with cartoons. I'd be absolutely furious not apologising.

She felt like he might - so there was a sign.

Yes, there was a reason, trauma.

Nobody's minimising, they're being practical.

OP only you know him. But we women have gut instincts for a reason, and they're almost never wrong. What you saw in him truly frightened you, and no one has the right to dismiss what you saw and what you experienced. No one. Especially not other women, of all people. I would talk to him further about this when you are both alone. You know you'll never be able to get that image/his face out of your mind, probably will remember that forever.

You were frightened for a reason. Please don't ignore your instincts.

Yes. You are. And it is understandable given your history but he is not your dad and your children are not having your childhood.

He lost his shit.

Once in 15 years.

He's human.