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Original poster

Last night dp lost his temper

348 replies

melonpips · 19/12/2022 06:49

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

OP posts:
Paq · 19/12/2022 07:58

Sounds like he momentarily lost it once in 15 years because the kids were being a PITA. Nothing here says abuser, unsafe or LTB.

astronewt · 19/12/2022 07:59

Like i asked, what do you want from this? Do you want us to tell you you should leave him? Or do you just want validation for your fear?

Your fear is real and I'm sure you felt awful. But it's not something your DP can fix for you.

miawallace33 · 19/12/2022 07:59

It's really unfair to say you don't feel safe leaving his own dc with him after this. Feel how you want to feel but don't project this irrational fear onto them or interfere with his bond with his kids, jeez.

teezletangler · 19/12/2022 08:00

What are you actually looking for people to say? You just keep repeating the same lines and justifying your position, when a lot of people have actually given you helpful advice to deal with your reaction.

TulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2022 08:01

saraclara · 19/12/2022 07:46

No-one who's posted here saw and heard OP's DH, so I'm surprised at the responses so far. There's losing your temper and losing your temper.

Everyone's assuming that this was on a normal level. OP feels strongly that it wasn't. That her DP didn't just shout at the kids, but screamed, went red in the face and looked as though he might hurt HER.

Maybe she is overreacting, but none of us knows that for sure. It's good that he apologised and left when she told him to. But this is not normal for them, and every poster shrugging it off is minimising every bit as much as they claim she's overreacting.

Right but the OP’s children also witnessed it and by her own admission They didn't seem to be upset or scared. Bit odd then that the children didn’t seem phased at all by behaviour - that according to the OP - was so bad and out of character that it left her shaking, don’t you think? If their normally even tempered dad suddenly exploded with incandescent rage out of the blue to the point where OP genuinely feared violence, you’d think the kids might have had some sort of reaction even if just shock. I think given her background and the children’s reactions, it’s highly likely OP’s perception is off.

Theydoyaknow · 19/12/2022 08:03

I let the dc watch cartoons as I felt terrified and was shaking. I didn't want them to see me in such a state and wanted them distracted for a moment

Overreaction of the century! Honestly get some help for your PTSD. You don’t feel safe leaving your kids with your husband coz he lost his temper and roared at them to stop ONCE in 15 years!!
Ridiculous.

Skodacool · 19/12/2022 08:04

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:29

It's upsetting to know that most people think I'm overreacting.
My childhood definitely has made me feel more frightened in these situations.

Imagine being a child and watching your dad scream in a rage at your mum for no reason and it lead to violence.

I didn't know for sure that partner would not hit any of us.

But it wasn’t for no reason was it, he was trying to stop DC from misbehaving and they were ignoring him.

Snoopystick · 19/12/2022 08:06

Scary yes, but he handled himself well afterwards. You need to have a plan of how you both deal with the kids behaviour before it escalates to that level.

Ineedaduvetday · 19/12/2022 08:07

You are overreacting. Your DH lost his temper and shouted. He wasn't violent, he went and calmed down and apologised. What else did / do you want him to do?

Your reaction is because his lost temper reminded you of childhood trauma. You need counselling as your reaction is over the top for what happened.

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:08

I started this thread as I wanted to talk to anyone about what happened.

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children. It makes me sad to think children can be subjected to a fully grown adults rage. That probably make me sound pathetic, but it's how I feel.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/12/2022 08:14

melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:08

I started this thread as I wanted to talk to anyone about what happened.

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children. It makes me sad to think children can be subjected to a fully grown adults rage. That probably make me sound pathetic, but it's how I feel.

Nobody thinks it's acceptable but we do accept it's human and sometimes happens!

Glittertwins · 19/12/2022 08:14

I think you need to reflect on what happened now that you have calmed down. It reads very much that after being ignored over and over by their dad, he did the shouting as a last resort. Sounds like it was the only thing that did work. The children don't seem upset by your own hand so this is more about you not the others.
DV is not the right way at all, nobody has said that but you can't stop children from witnessing normal family dynamics, they need to know and understand why people lose it (you said DH apologised), how they played their part in it and also how apologies are accepted

anexcellentwoman · 19/12/2022 08:15

One post that always stuck with me on MN was a poster confessing that she had screamed ' I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't hurry up', when she was getting her kids ready for school. Cue lots of posters telling her to forgive herself because every one loses their tempers. Lots of understanding and support for her. Such double standards when it comes to Dads.
Parents do sometimes lose their tempers. People sometimes lose their tempers. My mother was a sulker and used a lot of emotional blackmail. I was scared of her silent moods and nasty jibes.
Be understanding OP and talk to your husband in a few days when things have calmed down. Don't frighten your children by shaking and crying in front of them. Support your husband. You are a team

EmmiJay · 19/12/2022 08:16

Do you think you were on edge before his outburst? I have been like that before, in my own head not really paying attention and then boom something happens and I'm a shakey wreck! Not to at all minimise your feelings. I think you know he'd not hurt you or your children. Talk to him again to see what might have triggered him beforehand too?

Snoken · 19/12/2022 08:16

melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:08

I started this thread as I wanted to talk to anyone about what happened.

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children. It makes me sad to think children can be subjected to a fully grown adults rage. That probably make me sound pathetic, but it's how I feel.

It's not that it is OK, it's that your DH is a human, and all human's have flaws and certain things trigger certain reactions. He was probably trying to repress annoyance and when your children didn't listen to him he lost it. It's not comendable, but it is understandable. Kids do it all the time after all. Like my DD would break down completely if someone pushed the elevator button before she could get to it. Didn't make her an awful person, but she had reached the end of her tether at that moment.

Oblomov22 · 19/12/2022 08:20

AIBU
Yes. Unanimously.
No I'm not. Repeats same drivel. Again and again.

Where are you going with this OP?

Oblomov22 · 19/12/2022 08:21

Not once. Not once have you said : yes I'll get some counselling for my PTSD.

Karwomannghia · 19/12/2022 08:21

That does sound very scary and because it was so out of character I can imagine it was a shock. Roaring in a rage at the kids is not ok and I know the red mist look you mean.

Frostyfield · 19/12/2022 08:22

Oblomov22 · 19/12/2022 08:20

AIBU
Yes. Unanimously.
No I'm not. Repeats same drivel. Again and again.

Where are you going with this OP?

Fuck off with that, she didn’t post on AIBU.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/12/2022 08:24

CaptainMum · 19/12/2022 07:20

Why did your children watch a cartoon and not be punished?

Really? It was play fighting and they got carried away. They're kids. The punishment was being shouted at and then they stopped - job done. Sometimes it feels like people on here run their houses like Captain Bligh on the Bounty.

Anyway, in those circumstances you overreacted OP, but it's understandable. Sounds like you talked it through and resolved things. Hope you're feeling ok today.

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 08:24

Karwomannghia · 19/12/2022 08:21

That does sound very scary and because it was so out of character I can imagine it was a shock. Roaring in a rage at the kids is not ok and I know the red mist look you mean.

Thank you for understanding. It is the fact it was out of character that has worried me. It's making me think what else might he do?

OP posts:
Thefailinghousewife · 19/12/2022 08:25

I have severe PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, and I get that utter triggered fear. There’s been many times mid (normal level) argument with my DH he has had to pause and walk away as I was on the verge of a panic attack and he could see it was a trigger for me.

That is absolutely on me though - certain behaviours are not admirable, but they ARE normal - losing temper with kids, arguing between adults, getting frustrated with play fighting. All are within normal parameters of family life, even if they aren’t perfect.

Your husband recognised it was escalating and removed himself from the situation and then apologised. It’s actually good for your kids to see this behaviour - the escalation, the recognition, the removing yourself to calm down, the apology, the moving on. This gives them good blueprints for how to act as an adult if they too feel they are losing their temper.

obviously, what I’m talking about above is the normal levels, none abusive stuff. Your radar (like mine) is skewered because of our childhoods.

Talk to your husband, don’t demonise him, and maybe it’s worth getting some counselling to unpick why you feel the way you do Flowers

KatherineJaneway · 19/12/2022 08:25

I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children.

No one has said that. What we are saying to you is that we are all human and he lost his temper and shouted. Not great behaviour but we all make mistakes.

Sartre · 19/12/2022 08:28

You’re overreacting. I very, very lose my cool but when I do it’s because I have been pushed to my absolute limits and I do go nuclear. Your DH obviously reached his limit with DC, it happens to us all at times because we’re human. Give him a break.

AlcoholFear · 19/12/2022 08:29

I think you’re overreacting and you allowing them to watch cartoons and ignore their dad whilst you’re shaking will do more damage than someone shouting at them. I say that as someone who was belted when I was younger (and I’m under 25 so it was not the norm).

it sounds like he behaved very well all things considered and you should have backed him up. You can choose to never leave him with the kids but he would be within his right to leave you and would likely be entitled to at least some time alone with them.

He apologised. I’d let it go and then go and get some therapy.