Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

I understand a lot of you think I was overreacting. I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children. It makes me sad to think children can be subjected to a fully grown adults rage. That probably make me sound pathetic, but it's how I feel.

I don't think anyone thinks it's acceptable, and it's certainly not right. However, it can be understandable. None of us is perfect. We will all say and do things that aren't great. The key thing is he did calm down and walk away. It's also key that in 15 years you've never seen him lose his temper that badly, lose his temper yes, but not in that way.

My dad had an extremely short fuse. He's never, to the best of my knowledge, hit my mother. He has hit me and my sibling and it was always out of temper and for something random that I couldn't work out. And because I couldn't work it out, I couldn't avoid it either. I will also sometimes have a real red mist descend. I think part of that is in response to events in my childhood. It frightens me at the time and once I've calmed down I wonder what it was all about. I have never, ever hit anyone, no matter how angry I am. As I child I would get into fights but as an adult the only time I've ever hit anyone is in self defence, after they've landed the first blow.

I agree with PP. You need to weigh up what your partner did, not what might have happened because it's what your father used to do. Many of us will experience that real loss of temper that goes a step beyond. Most of us won't hit someone even then. You seem to want us to say 'yes, OP, you're right. He might have hit you'. Now I would ask yourself why you want us to say that, rather than reassure you that an occasional loss of temper is just what sometimes happens. It's not OK but it doesn't mean that person is violent.

Learning that your dad might scream in a rage doesn’t teach children anything.

@melonpips

yep I would have done

would have thought no more of it

In a different context his behaviour could fall on the spectrum of domestic abuse. She says he doesn’t have that context, which is good, but that doesn’t excuse the behaviour or mean that it was not serious. To get sudden red mist anger to the point that your partner fears for their safety is highly problematic.

But this wasn't in another context and it doesn't fall on the spectrum of domestic abuse. Many things would be criminal in another context - rugby tackles, F1 driving, nurses drawing blood, police officers making arrests.

In reality, OP shouldn't have feared for her safety any more than a spectator should feel for their safety when they watch the rugby. She overreacted and you're being ridiculous to draw these comparisons.

What a bizarrely ignorant comment - if someone fears for their safety in a situation that you were not a witness to - it’s not for you to say it’s an over-reaction - you literally have no idea.

Well, the OP did literally ask us if she was overreacting. That one might be on her.

What a bizarrely ignorant comment - if someone describes a situation and then directly asks if they are overreacting - it might just be on you to say it's an overreaction.

And the truthful answer is no-one can say as they weren’t there. Her feelings and response are the most valid. One can say she may have been sensitised by her childhood, and that’s true, but I can’t say that I wouldn’t feel threatened at such a display of rage from a partner - I might and I don’t have her history.

@ClaudiaWankleman - as above.

I'm surprised so many people have said OP is overreacting. She might not be. Why on earth would an adult get this angry over kids play fighting???! It's the sort of thing my DP does and he is a domestic abuser (GP told me and referred me to women's Aid.

OP - try having a chat with Women's Aid

Well it was posted in Chat and it’s fairly ditzy in here.

Yes, because anyone who thinks that OP may have (even if understandably) over-reacted must be thick or ditzy. Nothing like patronising women, eh.

Seriously? So you have never lost your rag when the kids have been a nightmare all day and then one final thing tips you over the edge? We don't actually know the context very well! Ive lost my shit with my kids loads of times when they were growing up, they would laugh in your face if you told them i was an abuser because of it!

Isn’t that what you’re doing? Telling a woman she’s over-reacting when you’ve no idea.

It’s absolutely fair to call out superficial knee-jerk responses.

Most people have said, based on the information in the OP, that it sounds like an over-reaction to feel that the children are not safe with their father based on this one out-of-the-norm incident in 15 years, especially as she has said herself that the children were not upset or frightened. That would tend to be an indication that OP’s fear reaction may also be linked to her own past experiences and a trauma trigger.

It’s true that nobody was there so cannot say for certain, but what it doesn’t mean is that we are all stupid gaslighters and those who are instead saying OP is a victim of domestic abuse who needs advice from services are right.

MN is not a hive mind. Are the same people posting on that thread also on this thread or are they different people? I'm not on the other thread for instance. No idea what the membership is, but must be in the hundreds of thousands. Not surprising that there are a variety of views.

OP, I hope you're feeling OK. I also hope that you're able to sift through the posts on this thread to find those that are useful to you and not causing more drama and concern than is necessary.

If I were you, I'd find a quiet and calm time to chat with your DH and tell him how you felt. Whether you over-reacted or not, your feelings were real.

Then you need to decide where you want to go from here.

1. forget about it completely and go back to how things were before
2. seek support for your feelings that were triggered
3. get your DH to seek anger management support
4. introduce a 'safe' word to use when you are feeling uncomfortable with his behaviour.
5. agree that he cannot be left alone with the DC.
6. end your relationship.

All of these actions would have affect on your family. I think its up to you to decide what level of reaction is appropriate.

Quite honestly, from what you've said, I think your fear was triggered by a memory of your father who was abusive. From what you've said, your DH wasn't being abusive. Your DC weren't scared. I sympathise with how his anger made you feel. But this thread surely shows you that there is a different perspective to consider.

There’s a thread on here today from a woman who pushed her 5 year old and all the responses are “aww, don’t worry, we all do it sometimes, stop beating yourself up”.
I am glad someone else noticed this

Have either of you been in both threads and made a good study of the same posters saying opposite things? It is utter hogwash. There are thousands of people posting here all the time.
If i saw that other thread i'd tell her to get a grip of herself and never do it again and apologise to her child. I don't think that is normal behaviour at all.

i do think a one-off burst of real anger happens to a lot of people, and the DPs reaction to OP telling him to go for a walk tells me a lot. He was prepared to hear that he had overreacted. Now OP needs to honestly look at her reaction and work out if she did too, i think she did.

If you read the OP she was specifically afraid for her own safety. And that he had shouted before just not to this point of red mist fury.

What “most” posters say is irrelevant. I have seen
“most” posters on a thread give terrible advice on legal issues or domestic abuse for example.

The OP was right to comment that it’s concerning that so many posters seem to think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

I don’t think anyone has said it’s acceptable.

People have pointed out that her own history may have impacted upon her reaction, particularly given she has said herself that it was out of character and not to the extent that the children were distressed or afraid.

You aren’t superior and right, and everyone else is wrong because they’re thick or ditzy.

Yes, @bloodyplanes. Yes of course I have lost my rag but not so much that I have frightened other adults.

My DP loses his rag over trivial issues and it is extremely scary . I think he is going to hit me. From what the OP is saying, it sounded ljke my DP's behaviour. Both my GP and Women's Aid have said he is abusive towards me. They can't both be wrong.

Have you asked him why he behaved like that? If he's shouted before but this was different then maybe something different is happening for him that he hasn't shared with you. I'm not excusing his behaviour but something tipped him and I doubt it's the kids fighting so maybe you need to ask him to explain...maybe he's not ok and he doesn't know how to verbalise it.

And the truthful answer is no-one can say as they weren’t there. Her feelings and response are the most valid. One can say she may have been sensitised by her childhood, and that’s true, but I can’t say that I wouldn’t feel threatened at such a display of rage from a partner - I might and I don’t have her history.

But what we CAN say is that somebody shouting and looking angry, regardless of how angry they looked, is not in itself abusive behaviour that makes a person unfit to be around their kids unsupervised unless they actually threatened violence with their body or words, or the behaviour was a common occurrence. OP feeling scared does not change that objective reality. She can talk to him about feeling threatened but she cannot reasonably consider herself to be a victim of domestic violence at his hands or consider him an unfit parent.

Acceptable in the sense that to fear it is apparently unjustified. Posters have minimised his behaviour and told OP she was over-reacting.

I too have commented that her childhood might have sensitised her to such behaviour, but as for all we know it may equally have scared someone without that history. As he shouts in other circumstances, just not to the point she thought he might hurt someone, it may be that her childhood actually desensitised her to put up with shouting in circumstances others might not.