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Original poster

Last night dp lost his temper

348 replies

melonpips · 19/12/2022 06:49

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

OP posts:
Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:40

It just felt like he was a different person. He's been annoyed before. My op may have sounded like he's never got angry or shouted before. He has but not like this.

It's a side to him I've never seen and I hate it.

OP posts:
astronewt · 19/12/2022 07:41

Genuine question. What do you want from this thread?

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:42

Also, I don't feel safe to leave him with our dc now. If I wasn't there to tell him to go for a walk, would he have calmed down?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/12/2022 07:44

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:42

Also, I don't feel safe to leave him with our dc now. If I wasn't there to tell him to go for a walk, would he have calmed down?

Almost certainly yes. Honestly, if he was aggressive and violent you would almost certainly know that by now.

Oblomov22 · 19/12/2022 07:44

I too think you should arrange counselling. Complete overreaction. You need to address the triggering, is it because you were abused as a child?

I can't grasp why you would treat the children with a cartoon instead of punishing them. Why do your dc show Dh no respect by not stopping play fighting when he asks them to. Why not address that?

girlmom21 · 19/12/2022 07:44

OP if you're really upset you're really upset. I'd speak to him and see if there's anything else bothering him if this is out of character.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 19/12/2022 07:44

I grew up with a violently tempered father, who would dish out beatings to us and shout at my mum. I can see why you are upset Flowers

Nineteenton · 19/12/2022 07:44

I get you. Growing up in a house where you're scared of male anger does leave long lasting scars. He obviously triggered your own trauma response but also that you feel your children felt as you did, but I assume they don't because dad isn't someone to fear for them?

As this is so out of the blue then it's worth checking what new stressors are in your other half's life.

FangedFrisbee · 19/12/2022 07:45

Do you want people to tell you to divorce your husband because your children weren't listening about not play fighting and he shouted at them?

Then you let them watch cartoons instead of saying sorry?

C1N1C · 19/12/2022 07:46

I've never lost my temper, ever... nor have I even raised my voice, so I do understand. But it is something reluctantly also understand is normal. I think everyone has a breaking point, and as the others have said, if his has only been reached once in 15 years, you've actually got a pretty good example of a human being there! Given this is the first time, he realised his mistake calmed sown and apologised, I don't think you can expect or hope for anything more. Have you never lost your temper?

saraclara · 19/12/2022 07:46

No-one who's posted here saw and heard OP's DH, so I'm surprised at the responses so far. There's losing your temper and losing your temper.

Everyone's assuming that this was on a normal level. OP feels strongly that it wasn't. That her DP didn't just shout at the kids, but screamed, went red in the face and looked as though he might hurt HER.

Maybe she is overreacting, but none of us knows that for sure. It's good that he apologised and left when she told him to. But this is not normal for them, and every poster shrugging it off is minimising every bit as much as they claim she's overreacting.

FlamingJingleBells · 19/12/2022 07:46

I don't agree with what you've posted, it's not a side to him; it was a moment of pure frustration because the kids fighting completely stressed him out. What are you going to say to the kids today so they don't repeat their behaviour? There has to be some consequences other than ignoring it & watching cartoons for their behaviour. Believe it or not kids screaming does trigger people & some would want them to shut up immediately. I can't stand the sound of play fighting and screaming, it's horrible.

teezletangler · 19/12/2022 07:46

OP I'm afraid this is about you, not your DP. It's perhaps understandable, but your reaction isn't rational for one screaming incident in 15 years. Counselling might be very helpful for you.

Oblomov22 · 19/12/2022 07:46

Why are you building his justified frustration and anger into something dramatic, which it's not. He had every right to be annoyed.

Not safe to look after dc. Oh purlease!

FangedFrisbee · 19/12/2022 07:47

@saraclara in which case every single thread should be answered with 'sorry can't say you were unreasonable or not because I wasn't there and it's subjective' Hmm

Gh12345 · 19/12/2022 07:47

So he’s lost his temper like this once in 15 years? I think you’re overreacting. Anger is a normal emotion- I lose my temper and shout once a week…

Sunflowersinthewind · 19/12/2022 07:48

Your DH lost his temper and shouted. Not ideal at all but he has apologised both to you and your DC. Your DC need to realise they cannot just completely ignore when people ask them to stop doing something. I had a childhood with a dad that frequently lost his temper and was violent. I too have chosen to try not to be like that, but this is a one-off! You need to seperate your childhood now from the present and look objectively at the situation.

dolor · 19/12/2022 07:48

Okay so folks telling you you're overreacting need to stfu.

It's TERRIFYING when a man screams in your/someone close to you's face. It is. Fact is, it can be the pre cursor to physical violence.

You're clearly triggered which is horrible for you, and a totally acceptable reaction.

You and your kids are okay aside from your residual upset. This is good for now - but it seems like you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that really isn't something you're prepared to tolerate again.

You do also need to make sure your kids understand that being asked to stop doing something, means they actually need to stop.

Courgettecity · 19/12/2022 07:49

You are over reacting yes, but I do too because like you my childhood had an angry abusive male in it.
My DH is normally calm and quiet but when he raises his voice and gets angry I can't cope, I over react. I feel trapped and panicky and protective of the kids, who aren't fussed at all. Talk to him, let him know it's a trigger for you.

RedHelenB · 19/12/2022 07:50

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:32

I thought i did too. So can you imagine my disappointment when I see he can be Mr Angry, after 15 years!

Show quote history

Everyone loses their temper
Some show it by sulking some show it by shouting. You are being way OTT about this, but maybe you'd be better off living alone if you feel like you can't cope with a Dad shout at his kids when they weren't listening once in 15 years.

RedHelenB · 19/12/2022 07:51

melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:42

Also, I don't feel safe to leave him with our dc now. If I wasn't there to tell him to go for a walk, would he have calmed down?

If he had enough self control to not be angered further by your interference then I'm sure he's safe with your dc.

kingtamponthefurred · 19/12/2022 07:51

I think he was doing well not to bang their heads together.

miawallace33 · 19/12/2022 07:53

I have to echo what others have said. I had an ex who would do this sort of thing on a weekly if not daily basis and sometimes it did lead to violence. If your dh has literally only lost his temper like this once in 15 years then I think he's doing pretty well. He calmed down and apologised. Nobody was hurt and the dc weren't even phased. I think you are massively over reacting and painting him as some sort of monster when actually hes something very normal and human. Nobody is perfect. Do you never get angry?

I'm sorry if your past has triggered this but I do think you're being unreasonable and quite unfair on him.

Original poster
melonpips · 19/12/2022 07:53

Like I said, this isn't the only time he's shouted. This was different.
Of course in 15 years he's told the dc off and shouted.

I let the dc watch cartoons as I felt terrified and was shaking. I didn't want them to see me in such a state and wanted them distracted for a moment.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 19/12/2022 07:57

You're overreacting hugely. You now don't feel safe leaving the dc with him?! Get some therapy ASAP.. .