Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

Maybe a positive out of this is that your dc will do as they are told.

And why weren't you managing the children's behaviour? It sounds like the discipline is left to him with you doing nothing except reward bad behaviour with cartoons.

A better option would have been a joint attempt to discipline the kids and punished appropriately.

How do you manage their bad behaviour?

OP, kindly, yes, most people would feel safe and happy with an apology because most people aren't triggered by displays of anger in the extreme way you are.

Can you see that your reaction of uncontrolled shaking and panic is just another extreme on the spectrum of human emotion in the same way that your DH losing his shit last night was. Sometimes we feel things too strongly to control and you both have a lifetime of experiences and emotions that (at least partially) determine how you react now. It would be awful if your fear of your dad's temper trumped a partner being a wonderful partner for 15 years.

Whether or not you are capable of feeling safe without some sort of professional help is another story. I'm so sorry you experienced that when you were younger - my dad could be described as mercurial at best so I do understand - but please don't make this more than it was and ruin a (seemingly) good relationship.

What IS IT that you want from him OP ?

Can you not see that the only one with this perception of him is you. The kids don't appear to be remotely worried. Your DH went out for a walk to calm down and then came back and apologised. Which is not the behaviour of some mad hellish violent thug - which seems to be how you have now decided to frame your husbands 'potential' .

It sounds to me that you are looking for permission to leave your husband. You don't need permission from anyone. You do not need to be in a relationship with anyone you don't wish to be in a relationship with. It's that simple.

Using you Husbands momentary loss of temper as a justification for doing so, is not remotely reasonable. Leave if you want to leave. Just own it . Seeing a therapist to talk through your feelings would be a good start.

Denying your children your husbands care however, is most definitely not OK . He is an equal parent to you with equal rights and responsibilities and tbh sounds much more of a stable parent than you are appear to be at the moment.

It was a different rage than the normal anger, people get that, but it boils down to the fact it triggered you but didn't actually frighten the kids. He also feels bad, and has said sorry.
This is why people say you are over reacting, no one is saying you're wrong to have the reaction but that you should recognise that it's an over reaction, and that is something you can deal with.
Therapy helps, it helped my DH appreciate my reactions and me to understand them. But you seem determined to be right, follow the extreme reaction as the right course and have ignored any comments with advice to help you deal with your trigger.

Honestly my PTSD and ADHD sometimes mean that I'm the person that loses my shit.

Rarely...like once every few years. And in that moment I feel like I'm so angry and I do sort of want to hurt someone so I have no doubt that's how my face looks.

But I don't hurt anyone. Ever. Because I'm not a dick.

Feeling so angry you feel like hurting someone is not a certainty that you will actually hurt someone.

You've never felt so angry that you feel like you'd quite like to poke someone in the eye? Slap them round the face?

It doesn't mean you will or even that you actually want to...it's just the 'fight' part of your stress response.

I would be prepared to say that 99.9% of people who've felt so angry they'd like to smack someone have never smacked anyone in their life and never will.

I would also bet that many, many parents will have been pushed to being so annoyed they'd have liked to give their kids a smack in the moment but never, ever will and it passes in seconds (followed by much longer feeling guilty about ever feeling that way!)

This. I really wonder why your children have so little respect for their father that he has to resort to losing his shit before they listen.

Have you honestly never lost it with your kids when they've consistently not done as they're told?

I do think this has something to do with your past trauma, one time properly losing it in 15 years is seriously good going to be honest. Have you had therapy in the past?

It sounds like your childhood trauma has been triggered and you are experiencing cognitive dissonance in terms of what you experienced and how it made you feel as a child, and what you experienced yesterday and how it’s made you feel.

Talk to him and be open and honest. Seek some support as a survivor of childhood abuse, which is what you’ve experienced.

Make time to get out for a walk and ground yourself. Remember that you are an adult now, not a child watching something that you are powerless to stop. And he is not your father.

I think it’s a really good point, OP, that your children weren’t scared. Wouldn’t they have been if your partner was on the verge of committing violence?

You have had an unreasonable response (for reasons you have noted).

Is he a kind man normally? A supportive husband? Someone who shares the burden of running the household? An involved and loving father?

Like others I think you're projecting based on your past experience, he didn't do anything and you've jumped a few steps ahead by thinking he wanted to hurt someone.

Sorry to hear you're scared op. From what happened, I would have been a bit irritated by him getting so angry at normal child behaviour and would have told him to calm the f down and moved on with my day, but I'm not particularly easily intimidated.

I don't think it's necessarily anything to worry about based on what you've said, as it was a one off and he has apologised. But it's really up to you how much of a big deal it is. If you can't stand him now, that's that. You are allowed to go off him based on anything you like even if other people don't agree and even if it was something completely frivolous.

If you feel unsafe and that you can't leave him alone with your DCs, then that is a worry no matter how you look at it; either you have reacted irrationally to something minor with an immediate idea that he can't be trusted with his own kids or you're right to think it. Neither thing is good for your DCs. So I'm sorry this is going on

So his behaviour was so bad that you as a grown women were left terrified, shaking and fearing he was going to be violent yet your children didn't seem to be upset or scared? This alone should tell you that it’s your perception that is off and it’s your childhood trauma being triggered.

Yes, this.

I understand you were frightened but the important point to remember here is he did the right things to manage his emotion and removed himself to calm down.

I agree with this. Since it's hasn't happened before, these aren't children who are so desensitised to it it no longer bothers them, they just weren't scared by the sounds of it.

Why is that upsetting? It's a good thing, surely? You're catastrophising and throwing out things that will spell the end for your marriage and lead to a lot of hardship for your kids (like that you can't trust him to be alone with them because he shouted at them once), and people are reassuring you that your experiences as a child are making you over sensitive to this and it actually doesn't sound that bad.

Why be disappointed by that? Do you want to sabotage your marriage?

A lot of judgement from people on here. I get it op. And yes people's faces really can change when they completely lose control of themselves. I know I have seen that look. This was obviously massively out of character. Could you do a counselling session together to talk through it all?

I think you're overreacting. "play fighting" must stop when the parent tells them to stop. It is noisy and it is irritating. What should he do next time? just let it irritate him or should they learn to stop the first time?
What do you think he should do? throw a bucket of water at them?
Doesn't the fact that your DCs don't do what they're told bug you?

So he looked like he was capable of hurting someone.
But ... he didn't. He was able to calm himself down and later realise that his behaviour was not acceptable and apologise.
Your children were entirely unbothered by it.

Your DH was always capable of hurting someone. But for 15 years he hasn't . And last night he didn't again.

If you think he might hurt you tomorrow, then you should probably leave him.

But based on what you've said there is no particular reason he is more likely to hurt you now than he was last week.

You can't refuse to let him be alone with his kids because he "looked like he could hurt someone".

However, I know what you mean, male rage is a lot scarier than they think.

I think maybe the fact that you're children were not traumatised by this suggests that you're reaction was due to past trauma. I am a pretty calm person but there have been moments, particularly since having children, where I have mentally lost the plot. Normally in those moments, the kids realise they have pushed me too far and everything settles down pretty quickly.
It is a very stressful time of year with over excited children and if it is the first time I would maybe sit down with your DH once kids are in bed and rather than make him feel awful about it, explore with him what might be behind it. Is work stressful? Is he worried about finances? What is going on in his world.

No, you are NOT over-reacting and shame on people saying you are.

I think people forget she said this: He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

She knows what he looks like. None of you do. She knows his looks. She said she thought he was going to hit her, and he seemed consumed.

Why do we minimise womens experiences? She was there. None of you were. She KNOWS what he looks like. None of you do. DON'T minimise and seek to invalidate a woman's fears.

Judgement or just giving an objective and practical view?

I would say that most of us saying it's PTSD related trigger, catastrophising and such like only know those terms because we have done them ourselves.

We've been there. We've done it. We've worked through it and are almost certainly still working through it and will be for the rest of our lives.

If we weren't we would be unlikely to recognise it so clearly.

It's not meant as judgement. It's meant as "Hey...I've been there...this is what it is. You're safe right now but the fact you don't feel it means you'd benefit from working through that. I know because I'm on that path too"

@melonpips

you are being unreasonable

do you never lose your temper op?

your kids were not behaving and they weren’t listening to their dad. What else could he have done? Sat there and cooed at them to stop? Being shouted when you consistently won’t behave will not do any kid any harm

I think your reaction to this is a flashback.

The level of threat you're feeling is because it triggered a flashback, reliving the threat you experienced in the past. A flashback means that as far as your brain is concerned those old memories are happening live in the present with all the fear that brings.

That's why you had and are having such an extreme reaction. That's why you have a lingering sense of unsafeness.

It's not a proportionate response to what's just happened in the present, but it's understandable it reactivated past experiences for you.

You need to be able to distinguish between the two now.

What answers are you looking for? Do you want us to youvto leave him he is an ogre? To call the police? You asked what people thought andcthey answered but you don't seem to be getting the answers you want to hear

So what are you actually wanting?

This is a genuine question