Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

When your DH first asked them to pack it in, why didn't you join forces with him then so they did pack it in, instead of doing nothing until it got to that stage?
No wonder he lost his temper, he told them to stop it, they carried on, his wife sat mute and then rewarded them by putting cartoons on.
I would have lost it too.

Yet more victim blaming. Why is it OP's fault that they didn't stop, and not their father's? And how do you know that she sat mute?

She put cartoons on because she was distressed and wanted to occupy them so they couldn't see her shaking.

Because she says HE repeatedly stood up and told them to stop.
Nowhere does she say WE told them to stop, or I also told them to stop.

It’s possible to be overreacting but also for the fear to be justified. I’ve no doubt I’d have been frightened by it too - I react badly to any confrontation or shouting. But to continue on this narrative and to say she’s fearful of the children being around him - unless there’s something she’s not telling us - would, on the face of it, be an overreaction and I think that’s why people are suggesting such, and that it might be something linked to her own trauma that she might need to reflect on and explore.

the main reason people are specifically telling OP they think she might be overreacting can be found in the last line of her first post. I think it’s OK to have another point of view, but not OK to suggest that others are thick, ditzy, gaslighting.

I haven't managed to read all replies but will once I get a chance.

Just wanted to say I didn't sit mute whilst this all happened. I was also telling them to stop. They have become very testing recently which is possibly from all the excitement of this time of year.

I was about to take one of them upstairs to try and diffuse the situation but before I could partner had a rage.

DP had nothing to apologise for imho

Thanks for coming back @melonpips It is difficult when things kick off on here. But I think you'll find that amongst the arguing, there are some useful perspectives. I think in particular, a lot of people are saying that whilst his anger isn't acceptable, and whilst your fear is understandable, that doesn't mean he presents a danger to you or your children. It's more that whilst it was a bad reaction from him, and one you haven't seen before, he hasn't suddenly become your father. Your reaction is understandable, but probably has more to do with your past than your current situation.

Sometimes it takes someone to lose their shit for kids to listen. My dp does the same but only if the kids are consistently ignoring me and he does it because he has my back. It doesn't scare me but it gets them to stop,and calm down. And then they apologise and he does too.

@melonpips of course it scared you. You were feeling like you relived it, an echo of the past with the 'fight or flight' kicking in, in case it happened again. But the big difference is your DP is not your Dad; you are not your Mum and your DP did not hurt you. Nothing wrong with those feelings, but remember, this is your reaction to the past.

It's important to remember that being judgemental and conveying the (imo completely ott) message that you can't trust him with the kids is not helpful. It happens. People sometimes in their lives lose it. Unless it's someone with ongoing rage issues (your dad), it usually comes after a long buildup of stress and other issues.

Your best bet would be to talk to your DP and actually listen with empathy and no judgement what it that's bugging him. You don't need to come up with solutions at that time. Just hear him out, make him feel that he's not alone in whatever stress he's facing.

If the fear’s justified then it’s not an over-reaction. There’s an awful lot “she’s not telling us” - like his personality, their whole relationship, his other bouts of shouting - which no-one has bothered to ask - and make the question of whether this is an over-reaction impossible to quantify.

You admit your response is “on the face of it” and that is precisely my criticism: it is a superficial response to a brief account.

Indeed the superficial knee-jerk responses common to Chat and AIBU are not helpful in these types of scenarios, and OP would had done better to post in Relationships where she would have got a more considered response. (I made no mention of “thick” btw is simply untrue).

Repeatedly telling the OP that her response was not valid is not ok. It may be for all we know.

Surprised this hasn’t come up more.

for me the main thing is communication in a relationship.

couple of Questions - did OP intervene or say anything prior to the DH losing it, if so then it’s important information

if not then why did they not back up their husband?

now I may be making a huge leap but if DH was looking for some support and backup and either none was coming or it was not helpful I can understand why DH would lose it and why his look back may have been a one of anger in a view of WTF why are you not helping.

So for me I can honestly say yes there probably was a noticeable difference in DH face which OP picked up on however we have only really heard about the outburst and the following actions not the bit leading up in much detail.

The fact that OP then did cuddles and cartoons to me would again lead me to believe she didn’t help earlier as her reaction wasn’t to send the kids to their room but to coddle them.

for me the bigger issue isn’t the outburst or even OP reaching or over reacting because to some degree i don’t think she is and she saw what she did which was probably a face full or pure anger in that moment.

but going back to communication it seems like neither party is on the same wavelength and are not supportive of each other, resulting in the kids playing one off the other.

I would also imagine the message the kids have learnt is if you piss of dad, mum will cuddle you and give you what you want

OP what are you wanting from your bloke?

You were triggered. It happens and it's frightening when it does the way our body reacts. But nobody is saying LTB for it. Maybe have a chat with him later and address those hidden traumas that have been buried for so long.

I think you're over reacting and I grew up in a violent household (with one incident where my sister and I had to stop our father strangling our mother by jumping on his back and yelling at him).
Maybe get some counselling?

@gamerchick

to never, ever get angry again!

well he can but he certainly can’t express it any way

As someone that lived with an awful violent partner I feel you have nothing to worry about. He may have lost his temper and raised his voice but he left to walk and cool off and apologised upon return. We all have our moments that push us to lose our temper, myself included.
My ex in this situation would have been screaming in my face and likely would have gotten physical. I understand from your past you will be frightened in these situations, my current partner is wonderful and I have found myself crying and cringing in corners when hes grumpy/angry even though he has never once shouted at me or gotten physical it's an incredibly hard habit to break and I have been rid of the ex for well over 5 years

I think you need to talk to your DP to see if he's okay. To me he done nothing wrong yes he got angry but he's human give him a break. He went for a walk and calmed down for you so it should work both ways and you be there for him. I think you should look into counselling for your past as your DP getting angry once in 15 years shouldn't get a reaction like this IMO

I think it’s less about your husband and more it triggered some deep rooted trauma from your childhood seeing your father do that to your Mum.

Children should never be “punished”. Gross.

Kids brains aren’t mature. This means they lack self control. So they need guidance. Not punishment.

The fact that your kids weren’t bothered says it all.

you’re over reacting.

Also. Stop comparing him to your dad. You husband losing his rag once at kids messing around right before Xmas is not the same as someone who was consistently abusive.

@DeliciousToMozzies So children shouldn't be taught to be responsible for their actions and that they can behave however they want with no consequences? Good luck with that as a philosophy

Yes they absolutely should.

That doesn’t require “punishment”

Discipline teaches, punishment hurts.

If you are punishing your child for perceived wrongs, you aren’t teaching them anything, other than you are willing to hurt them (physically or mentally)

Discipline, means reaching them so they make better decisions. Natural consequences work best.