Last night dp lost his temper

[melonpips]

And it scared me.

We've been together 15 years and this has never happened. Dc were play fighting and would not stop. After repeatedly telling them to stop, partner stood up and screamed for them to stop. His face looked different, he was red and looked angry like he never has before. He looked at me and for a moment I thought he was going to hurt me. He looked completely different like rage had consumed him.

I told him he had to go for a walk to calm down. The dc stopped fighting and I sat with them to watch a cartoon. They didn't seem to be upset or scared, but I was shaking.

When he got back I told him how I was feeling. I didn't feel safe in my own home because of him. He apologized and apologized to our dc. Said he loved us all and told me he would never hurt me.

I still feel uneasy. The only other person I've seen act like this was my dad towards my mum. It terrified me then as a child, but as an adult it felt much scarier.

I don't know what to do. I hate how I'm feeling right now. He said everyone looses their temper some time. I just don't want my children to have memories like I have.

Am I over reacting because of my upbringing?

Have you read the thread? Can't see any double standards as most posts are supportive of the man here.

As it happens I agree with them. Who hasn't been pushed too far and shouted at their children at some point? Sometimes very angrily. Not great parenting, but only human.

I think the problem there is that you were not realistic. No-one can be guaranteed not to lose their temper occasionally, and you are exceptionally lucky that it has only happened once in 15 years. As your sons demonstrated, sometimes it can work quite well as the only way to get people to take you seriously.

I very rarely lose my temper, but I remember when DS was keen on me volunteering to help run an activity he was involved in because some of the kids were quire badly behaved and "when you get cross, Mum, you get really cross."

I find it concerning that it is seen as acceptable to act like this especially in front of the children.

No one has said it's great parenting. But there's a huge gulf between "not ideal" and "not safe to be left alone with the children again".

Your children were misbehaving. Your DH shouted at them but they ignored him and he went for a walk whilst you rewarded their bad behaviour with cartoons.
This is on you not your DH. You have some unresolved issues and need therapy.

I think a lot of you are missing my main concern. He has lost his temper before but this was different. He looked different. He looked like he was capable of hurting someone. It came on very suddenly.

Can you all honestly tell me you have been in that situation and felt safe and happy with an apology?

Almost certainly, nothing else. He's obviously mortified about this, and your children have learnt a healthy lesson about doing what they are told so the situation is unlikely to arise again.

He lost his shit. He stepped away, calmed down and apologised. Nobody has said it’s great, but it’s not the dangerous or harmful behaviour you suggest, and nothing that indicates he’s not safe with his own children.

You have been triggered due to your own traumatic experiences which is understandable but your response is not rational.

To add, I hate play fighting and it annoys me no end when the grandchildren do it. It always ends up with some kind of injury from bashing into the furniture and lots of tears. Every time. I wouldn't scream at them because they aren't my children, but I can absolutely understand the rage.

He will probably be feeling defensive, but you do need to talk about this if possible, so that you can unpick what happened, why he got so angry, the effect that had on you and the dc and how that can be avoided in future, including behaviour management of the kids, because they will play fight/ fight again and you all need to know what an acceptable response to this is and be a bit more prepared. The whole situation sounds like it was very unusual and has affected all of you so one way of diffusing it is thinking how you can manage it next time instead of knee jerk stressed reactions.

This is a horrible thing to say.

I get it OP. I know people lose their tempers, but you've been with him for so long and the sudden change in behaviour has to be really frightening for you. Tbh I think any sudden change like that is concerning, if it's anger or anything else.
Your past may well affect your perception on this, but it doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. I didn't grow up in a violent household but a screaming fit from an adult directed towards children is shit.

Nothing happened, is the problem.

Believe me if looking a certain way was indicative of actions prisons would be full. I have no desire at all to be unkind here but it really does feel like you’re wanting something to have happened, wanting a dramatic incident. I mean, I opened the thread expecting something pretty awful and it amounted to ‘man shouted at annoying kids.’

The children weren’t upset and he hadn’t lost control so much that he wasn’t listening. He was. That’s showing self control and self awareness.

I think this has triggered trauma from your childhood.

Sometimes people snap and yell in a way they wouldn't usually...but if there's been zero abuse in 15 years and no abuse then either it's 99% likely to be triggering previous stuff for you.

Even your feeling that he had 'become someone else' is more than likely your brain relating this yelling/anger to what it anticipates will happen rather than what is actually happening.

Your brain as a child formed a neural circuit that says when a man displays 'X' behaviour it will be followed by 'Y'.

It sounds as though you could benefit from talking this through with someone to process it if you haven't already?

I'm the same by the way...my DH has zero abusive behaviours but when he stubs his toe or similar he's a massive drama queen and will really shout and swear.

My immediate reaction is to almost physically shrink and cringe and wait for more to happen (which of course it never does)

I don't think we are missing your main concern. We just do not agree with your take on it as your view of what happened is clouded by past trauma.

I think you're projecting here.

At no point did OP say her DH screamed in anyone's face.

Since you describe this as being absolutely uncharacteristic of your husband, I'd be wondering if something else was happening in his life that is impacting his stress tolerance levels. Can you ask him if there is other stuff going on that is bothering him? Sometimes, for example, it can be hidden money worries, work stress, or guilt.

She hasn't posted in AIBU. She asked if she'd overreacted and people said yes for a million reasons that ignored her actual concerns.

I also think that if your DC, who have grown up in a secure parenting relationship were like "Oh Dad lost his shit a bit there but we're safe and happy to get on watching cartoons" whereas you were shaking in terror that is another sign that it's triggered something in you rather than being objectively terrifying.

Maybe its all built up because he's constantly trying to repress any irritation with the kids being naughty or other things that may cause irritation just so he doesn't upset/trigger you? I know that when i try and bite back down my feelings I literally explode in the end and it's much worse than it originally would have been had I just expressed it in the first place.

This is your trauma speaking, though. Not reality. There's no one "capable of hurting someone" look/mode. He reminded you of the look on the face of someone else in your past who was about to hurt you. But he didn't hurt you, or anyone. He calmed himself and walked away. He's not the person who hurt you in the past.

Sharing my own trauma: I often feel very frightened around tall, skinny men with certain awkward mannerisms. That doesn't mean those mannerisms make them capable of hurting me. They just mean my brain is irrational and can't tell the difference between someone who hurt me in the past and a completely different person in the present.

You need to go and seek out your own support for the trauma you have experienced.

He didn’t just shout he was raging and OP made that clear.
Have you all experienced this and brushed it off?

I don’t think many posters are missing that point at all. We just don’t see it the same way as you do. I think everyone loses their shit from time to time and if this is the only time in 15 years(!) he’s been this way, yes I would be happy with an apology and I would move on. Saying you’re scared to leave your children with him now isn’t proportionate and is insulting to him as a parent imo.
And I don’t need to ‘imagine’ anything re an angry parent. I had an abusive, aggressive father who was violent to my mother and to me, my brothers and sisters. I recognise that there is a world of difference between an otherwise loving father (or mother!) losing their temper once in a blue moon and a father who is abusive, scary and who causes emotional trauma.

Oh here we go. Guilt?

Oh for goodness sake. Man loses temper at badly behaving, disobedient children in the run up to Christmas when everyone is feeling stressed, during a cost of living crisis. Get a grip. He's not your father, he's a normal human being who was pushed over his limit.

You are (understandably) catastrophising - this "what else is he capable of" sounds as though it's coming from your past and not his present.

He lost his cool when his kids were being badly behaved, he left to calm down on your request and apologised profusely when he returned.

Has he ever given you reason to think that he is behaviour could escalate into something dangerous? Because I struggle to see that losing his temper verbally once goes anywhere near deserving of your reaction.

In the nicest possible way - you need to put this into perspective, try to look at what happened and your own reaction objectively and seek outside help for yourself if you can't.

Surely you can see that it's your past which has led to your reaction? Most people are saying you are over reacting because someone who hasn't had your past experience wouldn't react the same way. Your DH shouting isn't the problem so much as your fear from your past.

I have c-PTSD and feelings can be triggered but the most ridiculous things so I do understand the connection to your past you have made, but realistically your husband shouting isn't on a par with your Dad abusing your Mum.