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Original poster

I need to leave my wife of 30 yrs

188 replies

Jack1964 · 10/11/2022 04:15

Hi all,
I was oN here a couple of years back,
I left my wife for about a month and I was so happy.
she begged and pleaded with me to come back, which I eventually did.
I’ve tried to make the marriage work but I just don’t love her anymore.
how do I tell her I’m leaving for the second time?

OP posts:
Tashface · 10/11/2022 04:33

"I'm leaving".

Autumnisclose · 10/11/2022 04:52

What you just said. You've tried to make it work and you're not happy.

You get one life. As sad as it is to end any marriage, let alone such a long one.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 10/11/2022 04:55

We need to talk.
It’s not working so I’m making/made arrangements to leave.

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Relationship problems
GreyCarpet · 10/11/2022 07:53

Just that. That you tried but it's just not working for you. You don't love her anymore and are leaving.

Choconut · 10/11/2022 07:57

As above - then stop going back, you're just prolonging her misery.

skippy67 · 10/11/2022 08:27

Just say what you've written here. You only get one life.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 11/11/2022 09:53

Hi everybody and thanks for your suggestions.
last night I told my wife how I felt about our relationship.
I told her I have no feelings for her and I am hapier being alone , her reaction was for us to try harder and get therapy , to which I refused.
anyway upon waking this morning she is going about things like normal chatting away cooking breakfast asking me if I want anything from the supermarket, she is totally ignoring our conversation last night.
any suggestions on how to broach the subject again?

OP posts:
Theperfectthanksgiving · 11/11/2022 09:55

Jack1964 · 11/11/2022 09:53

Hi everybody and thanks for your suggestions.
last night I told my wife how I felt about our relationship.
I told her I have no feelings for her and I am hapier being alone , her reaction was for us to try harder and get therapy , to which I refused.
anyway upon waking this morning she is going about things like normal chatting away cooking breakfast asking me if I want anything from the supermarket, she is totally ignoring our conversation last night.
any suggestions on how to broach the subject again?

Where did you leave to last time? Can you just pack and say ‘I’m going to X and I’ll be in touch regarding the arrangements, I’m sorry it didn’t work’.

MolliciousIntent · 11/11/2022 09:55

Jack1964 · 11/11/2022 09:53

Hi everybody and thanks for your suggestions.
last night I told my wife how I felt about our relationship.
I told her I have no feelings for her and I am hapier being alone , her reaction was for us to try harder and get therapy , to which I refused.
anyway upon waking this morning she is going about things like normal chatting away cooking breakfast asking me if I want anything from the supermarket, she is totally ignoring our conversation last night.
any suggestions on how to broach the subject again?

You don't need to broach it again. Start getting organised. Find somewhere to go, find a divorce lawyer, and when you know what's happening tell her "I've found somewhere to live and I'll be leaving on X date"

FetchezLaVache · 11/11/2022 09:58

I think a very difficult decision is being made harder for you by her refusal to accept it - but that's understandable as she presumably still loves you and wants to be together. Tell her you're looking for somewhere to rent on your own asap and in the meantime, you should both cook/eat/shop/launder separately.

All the best for the happier life that awaits you.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/11/2022 09:59

I'm sorry your marriage hasn't worked out, but you can't live a lie. I've been married for over 30 years and can imagine reacting like your wife if my DH ended our marriage. Sounds like she is in denial / doesn't completely believe you. I think you need to start to plan what happens next. You will have to keep repeating what you have already said to her, keeping her informed about what your next steps are.

RandomMess · 11/11/2022 10:02

I would just progress with the divorce and if your plan is to move out start sorting that out.

Do you have children that you need to tell (even if adults)?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 11/11/2022 10:03

You are not going to get her blessing or permission to go, and you don’t need it.

Don’t engage in any conversation, just pack a small bag, say something like “As discussed last night, this relationship is over for me and I am leaving. I’ll be in touch to make arrangements” And walk out of the door.

Deadringer · 11/11/2022 10:03

You have tried, and you have been honest with her, now it's time to pack up and go. Whether she accepts it or not is up to her, but as a pp said you get one life, you need to live it. I just wish I was brave enough to do the same.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/11/2022 10:06

I agree with PP but would also say - you need to be fair in your arrangements, respectful of her & also appreciative of the fact that this a devastating decision for her that is being made without her input.

Her feeling of shock. sadness & maybe anger are to be expected and while not your responsibility, are valid.

I think telling her clearly what's going to happen - where you are going to, what the.next steps legally & financially are - is respectful & helpful.

NotLovingWFH · 11/11/2022 10:07

Are you waiting for her to help you leave? Pack a bag, tell her you’re leaving and go. Stay civil, you’re not enemies just want a happier life. If you have adult children please tell them yourself. You don’t need your wife to agree, permit or assist. This is your decision.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 11/11/2022 10:09

Does she have a good friend or family member that you can call and say what you have written here and they can offer their support to her and make her understand that this is real and happening and she needs to engage with you about the splitting up and division of assets.

TonTonMacoute · 11/11/2022 10:10

So, she doesn't listen to you and doesn't take what you have said seriously. She thinks she can just ignore the problems and carry on as if nothing is wrong. I can see why there might be problems.

Agree with PPs, carry on calmly making your plans and leave. It is a shame after a 30 marriage but there's no time limit on these things.

BrinjalPickle · 11/11/2022 10:19

Jack1964 · 11/11/2022 09:53

Hi everybody and thanks for your suggestions.
last night I told my wife how I felt about our relationship.
I told her I have no feelings for her and I am hapier being alone , her reaction was for us to try harder and get therapy , to which I refused.
anyway upon waking this morning she is going about things like normal chatting away cooking breakfast asking me if I want anything from the supermarket, she is totally ignoring our conversation last night.
any suggestions on how to broach the subject again?

I’m not sure how you expect her to act? You can tell her again then make plans to leave. Whilst you’re still hanging around it’s going to be difficult for her to process. She obviously loves you and doesn’t want her marriage to end unlike you.

C1N1C · 11/11/2022 10:20

Yep, reiterating what the above have said. This move will never be easy, she may beg and plead, she may get angry or she may pretend like it's not happening... all you can do is be honest and rip the bandaid.

Leave a note saying you're really sorry, you've tried your hardest but that the feelings are just not there and go. It IS brutal, after all that time you 'want' to say it face to face, but it will most likely just be met with the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Don't tell her where you're going and you might even say in the note that of course things need to be arranged but that you'd like a few weeks or so of a cooling off period as otherwise you'll just be met with calls and messages trying to convince you to return...

quietnightmare · 11/11/2022 10:21

If your leaving her simply because you haven't fallen out of love with her then please be kind about it. Just say to her that you think it will be easier if you leave so she can process what you have said and start packing.
Do you have anywhere to go?

HappyAsASandboy · 11/11/2022 10:24

As others have said, you don't need to broach it again. You just need to do whatever it is you are wanting to do by leaving, and when you need your wife's involvement or your actions will affect her then ask/tell kindly.

What did you want her to do this morning rather than carry on as normal? Did you want her to weep and wail? Or to start planning next steps for you? Or to shout at you? Or to ..... what?

FatAntelope · 11/11/2022 10:25

Are you expecting her to beg for you back again? Is that what you want? She can act however she wants. Just get on with it and be kind to her.

AllHailtheSlushy · 11/11/2022 10:26

Agree with others that you don't need her to accept it or give you her blessing.

But you do need to deal with the practical things and you need to be the one driving that.

Can you physically leave? If not, move into a different room in the house?
Tell her you want to sit down and discuss practicalities - access to kids, what happens with the house etc.

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