I need to leave my wife of 30 yrs

[Jack1964]

Hi all,
I was oN here a couple of years back,
I left my wife for about a month and I was so happy.
she begged and pleaded with me to come back, which I eventually did.
I’ve tried to make the marriage work but I just don’t love her anymore.
how do I tell her I’m leaving for the second time?

I don't understand this thread at all.

You previously left your wife. You were very happy after you left your wife. For some reason (unexplained unless I missed it) you went back to your wife and now you are very unhappy again. You told her you are leaving again (for the second time) but the next day she was carrying on and talking about domestic things and that has made you angry?

Just pack a bag and leave. Her making breakfast or going to the supermarket the next morning (even if she "asks you if you want anything") does not mean she does not understand what you have said to her.

What will make her not understand what you have said to her is you leaving, then coming back, then telling her you are leaving again, then hanging round the house not appearing to leave but posting on an internet about the things she is doing wrong. Leave her. Just go. And as this is the second time (and respecting the fact that this is a 30 year marriage and not making light of that) can I suggest you leave properly this time and don't return again as that will make it far far harder for both you and her?

What do you expect her to do, scream & shout? Plead for you to stay?

She doesn't know what else to do & this obviously isn't the first time you've had this conversation with her, so she's just trying to carry on with the day because whether you leave or not the washing up still needs to be done, people still need to eat etc..

Are you expecting her to help you?

That isn't her job, no matter who you think is responsible for the breakdown of your marriage.

If you are leaving, then you need to go right now.
You told her, now get out because it's over.

If you wanted time to sort yourself out, you've had the last forever when you knew this was coming but she didn't.

Pack your bags & get on with your life somewhere else.

Or do you want to stay for months, pretending to be in some sort of house share situation while really leaving all the washing up etc... to her as you consider dating someone else?

You had your chance to get yourself organised, so now it's time to go.
If that isn't 'convenient', well, breaking up is never convenient.

You are now intentionally torturing her by saying & staying.

Say: "Are you happy for me to stay here while I sort out my next step or would you like me gone from the house?"

Make a plan, and once it is made and ready to go, tell her what that plan is.

"Just to let you know that I am looking for a rental" (once you almost have one) and I suggest we make the following arrangements about the mortgage / interim finances / kids...how does that sound?"

Stop wasting your life, you wanted to leave this woman 2yrs ago, you said she is controlling and she cheated on you, there’s no need to keep dragging this farce out. ‘As discussed I no longer want to be married to you, your adultery and begging was the final nail in the coffin. I’ll be here until the house is sorted during the divorce proceedings.’

And tell your 2 adult kids that you and their mother are divorcing.

Just carry on with your normal, which is sorting things out for you to leave. Then leave as soon as possible. She is not listening to you. Don’t keep putting yourself and her through pointless conversation. I had a similar situation with my ex husband of 29 years. He was extra nice, kept suggesting doing things together. I just indicated that it wasn’t really appropriate since things were over. There was no conversation about it after the one in which I told him it was over.

No, you really don't need her acceptance or permission.

Tell any adult children you may have.

If she's been a SAHM all these years, please be kind. The largest group of homeless and in poverty are women over age 50!

Arrange another place to stay, even if temporary then file.
Decide what to do about the house and any other property or assets you may have. Downsize and get two smaller places?

Can't speak for your wife, but if someone told me they were leaving (and not for the first time), I would expect them to actually ... LEAVE.

If they don't in fact leave, then it sounds like pish. She probably thought you were just in your cups.

If you are leaving, then leave. Don’t sit around posting on the internet waiting for her to stop carrying on normal like…

Get enough things together to tide you over clothing wise for the next few weeks. She doesn’t need to see you popping back and forth.

give her an address where correspondence can be sent to, because if joint assets need to be sold, she needs to be allowed to move on with her life as quickly as possible too. Nothing worse than sitting by yourself after an argument, wondering where it went wrong and wondering what the heck you are supposed to do now…

Stop whining on here and just effing leave

Next.........

I'm not sure what you expected her to do this morning. Sit around crying, beg you to reconsider? You want to leave. She wants to try again. It's on you to take the steps to leave. It's not on her to facilitate that for you. It's not on her to pretend she's happy about if if she isn't.
If you want to put some ground rules around living together until you leave, then tell her that eg you'll do your own cooking and shopping from now on. But really, the best thing to do is take steps towards leaving ie move out or go stay with family for a while.

Could you try sitting down to go over the practicalities with her, to ensure you both get a fair settlement and that you minimise her distress by doing so. Focus on events that must happen. Ask if she wants you to contact anyone. It could be your job to tell any family that she would find hard.

What are you looking for her to say or do? You have said your bit. Just go.

If your looking for blessing, acceptance,. Your not going to get it. What she is hearing at the moment is that she has just given the last 30 years of her life, to somebody who now has no feelings for her, and every single idea she had about growing old has now gone. She must be crushed. Nevermind about how YOU feel about her reactions. I would be fighting just as hard.

Please just go and let her get on with her recovery and re building what she has left, and please make sure you give her the financial support to do so.

😂😂😂 Yep!

Is that how you would talk to a woman who is struggling to leave her cheating, abusive husband too? Or is it just men.

You don't 'broach it again' because if you're waiting for her to say 'OK, fine' then you'll be waiting a long long time. You just calmly but swiftly make your arrangements to leave. Don't hide them but don't rub her nose in it either.

It may be that she's in denial, it may be that it's just too painful for her to talk about. If she makes statements about the future that required a response, like 'where shall we go on holiday next summer' or 'what colour shall we paint the dining room', then you can gently remind her that you will not be there. Other than that, just move forward with your plans. Actions speak louder than words. If you hang about, you're giving her false hope.

So, you need to leave as soon as possible. Please don't wait for the 'perfect' flat or house. Don't delay because your commute may be longer. Just go, even if you have to stay with family or friends for a couple of months. Now that you've told her, it's cruel to drag it out. She needs to be able to accept the reality and start to rebuild and she's not going to be able to do that with you hanging around.

The next discussion you need to have is once you know when you're walking out the door. And that discussion is to give her the date of your departure and to assure her that you will meet your financial obligations to the children (if any), any financial provision regarding the marital home you plan to make until a financial settlement is made , and that any division of assets will be fair and equitable.

I also thought of the same OP. Hope things work out @Jack1964

That is so unkind and unsupportive.

Just to say I'm impressed by your decisiveness - so you just need to see it through. It's no easy decision to make after 30 years. I wish you well but be kind to your wife.

Assuming this isn't a time wasting windup.....

you've been with your wife for 30 years, surely at the age of 58 (judging by your username) you don't need to come into a forum and ask random people how to communicate with your wife.

i honestly do despair sometimes.

Exactly, it sounds really vague!

Unfortunately the OP was really vague, I think if Jack had been a bit clearer, it would have helped, not everyone read a post from years ago, how are people meant to know the background

So it's ok to talk to someone like a cunt just because you don't know the background? Come on. You know these shitty comments are not because of lack of backstory in the OP. In his other thread where he talks about her cheating, there were people asking him what did he do to make her cheat.

There is only one thing for it. You find somewhere else to live, and you move out. That is all there is to it. You don't need her agreement, you don't need her validation. Just pack your bags and go.

Strange post and previous posts.

Strange in regard as to her being devasted at the ending of your marriage and you being totally detatched emotionally. Your lack of anger with her affair, (a seemingly lack of distress at this) and you knowing her anticipated grief, not the reactions of a woman that was having affairs to keep hold of the marriage.

I suppose there are lots of dynamics though, Jack you need to act and that means also putting into place plans for your joint buisness, she may in future not want to be attatched and working for you/with you, is this part of your reasoning for going back in the past ?

It's never easy separating finances.
How old are you Jack ?