I need to leave my wife of 30 yrs

[Jack1964]

Hi all,
I was oN here a couple of years back,
I left my wife for about a month and I was so happy.
she begged and pleaded with me to come back, which I eventually did.
I’ve tried to make the marriage work but I just don’t love her anymore.
how do I tell her I’m leaving for the second time?

@Jack1964

I hope you don't mind that I've poked around a bit.

Based on that, my advice is basically the same, other than that it's best if you say nothing to her prior to your leaving and you need to make your plans privately. And you don't need to have an 'exit interview' with her either. Just pack and leave. She knows, she's just sure that she can make you stay. She's acting as if nothing has been said because her past experience is that you don't follow through or if you do, you come back.

Remember JADE: never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain. Your reasons are valid and it doesn't matter what she thinks.

But my advice to go now still stands, even if you end up sleeping on someone's couch. And if it's at all feasible, once you are out, block her until you are strong enough to stay out. If you can't completely block her, limit her communications with you to emails. Those you can read at your leisure in your stronger moments.

And separate finances as soon as you can.

Quite.

@Jack1964 What was it you did to try to make the marriage work and why didn't it work, do you think?

Your wife has suggested therapy. I think that's a good idea. Not to keep you together, but to allow you both a chance to process the break up.

@Deadringer

He should not leave the house. He needs to get legal advice and find out if he has a claim to the house first. This is standard Mumsnet advice

Stop whining on here and just effing leave

Next.........

You sound vile!

When someone is miserable in a relationship but are struggling to leave there are obviously much bigger issues at play and it’s not as straight forward as just leaving.

You obviously have never known anyone in an abusive relationship and I hope if you ever are in one no one speaks to you the way you have to OP.

she is now in that shock phase where she doesn't accept what is going on. read articles on the stages of separation and divorce and be prepared as different people react differently at different stages. for your own sanity and well being make a plan to move out, set a date and be focused on moving forward. this may all take a long time but it will come to an end. The golden rule is if one truly loves another person then they will set them free. look after yourself, divorces can be nasty.

OP you could accept her offer to have marriage therapy, it will give you both closure on the relationship and the therapist can help her understand that the marriage is over. She’s clearly in denial/avoidance and a therapist will be brilliant at talking to her about why she’s doing that.

Or you can just pack up, say goodbye, and go, then sort practicalities out through email / laywer.

Your happiness is not the priority, you committed to marriage and unless a spouse is abusive or repeatedly unfaithful with no change you stay with them for life.

Just pack your things and go, see a solicitor and get your affairs in order.
don’t let her give you the sob story just move on.

As others have said, don’t try to broach the subject again. You’ve explained that it’s not working. Get yourself organised and move out.

Are you waiting for her to give you permission?

Find somewhere to live.

Leave your marital home. Put the house keys in an envelope on the kitchen counter.

Move into your new place.

File for divorce.

@mathanxiety

No he needs to stay in the home to make sure he has a claim on it. Also he needs to be fully aware of her financials and what he’s entitled to.

Are you working together?
It will be difficult leaving while expecting to continue doing that.
You maybe need to sell your stake in the business or buy her out.

Realistically, the second may not happen - so see if you can pack up and sell your stake. Then when you move out again you can actually cut all ties.

Wow, this is interesting comparing to all LTB posted here when husband farted in front of wife or didn't do dishes, she then has full rights to stop loving this disgusting pig, take most of the assets and shit on his side of the bed, but when man stopped loving woman, he needs to be stuck with her for life 😂

I think your wife is in denial, or maybe she thinks it's just a phase? Anyway, if you're 100% sure, you can't stay because she pretends, she's deaf. Otherwise, it will go on forever.

Weird how on any thread where a woman wants a divorce the advice is “don’t leave the house, tell him to leave ,get what you are entitled too”, yet here it’s “leave the house and give her your keys” and posters don’t even mention what he’s entitled to or seeing a soliciter lol

Welcome, time traveller! You have now arrived in the 21st century. Please update your social mores before interacting.

Could be written by Jack's girlfriend 😂

One or two unpleasant posts on here , I must say.

OP. Seek legal advises asap before you do anything.

Genuinely: what do you believe is achieved by having two miserable people remaining together purely because they once said they would?

I understand that when children are involved leaving a relationship is more complicated than simply upping and leaving and that their needs are a high priority. But children don't benefit from remaining in a family where relations between the parents have completely broken down.

The logic implied in your post is that a couple have an obligation to place adherence to their marriage vows over every other consideration. Why do you think a marriage trumps the needs of the individuals in the marriage? For me this undermines the point of getting married in the first place.

Shocked at some of the advice on here. I am guessing that after 30 years of marriage you do care about this woman but ofcourse do not want to continue the marriage.

Your wife is in denial and is using that to help her cope through some strong emotions she is experiencing. This will be a huge shock to her and you both need to have a few discussions before reaching any conclusion. Give her time to let things sink in and be honest with her. After this time, start seeking legal advice and working through the divorce. You may have had these thoughts for a long time but she obviously hasn't and it will take time for her to process.

Your happiness is not the priority, you committed to marriage and unless a spouse is abusive or repeatedly unfaithful with no change you stay with them for life.

This is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard in my life!

You only get one life and you should not spend it miserable, just because you signed a piece of paper 30 years ago.

Oh please. People don’t sacrifice life long happiness on the alter of a marriage contact anymore 🙄

This. Please please listen to this.