I need to leave my wife of 30 yrs

[Jack1964]

Hi all,
I was oN here a couple of years back,
I left my wife for about a month and I was so happy.
she begged and pleaded with me to come back, which I eventually did.
I’ve tried to make the marriage work but I just don’t love her anymore.
how do I tell her I’m leaving for the second time?

Dont forget to squirrel some money away .ideally get cash so it cant be traced to another account

I remember your previous posts, you had lots of good advice last time, I am not sure what you hope can be said that will be different?

Can you get your own therapy that supports you to hold your position. I would work on why you need your wife to see things as you do as it seems clear she is never going to. I think your fear of her controlling behaviour is perhaps behind your anxiety about leaving permanently. You know her very well so perhaps use what you know to try to protect your position as best you can and definitely move out so you are not so vulnerable to her actions.

Yes i think i remember you Jack.

Keep the momentum going and start packing today. Gather your documents and tell your family.

Is the house rented or owned?
Have you got kids?
Is it in both your names?
Have you got your own money? Is it in a joint account?
Have you family you can go to?
Can you afford to go to a hotel while you look for a permanent home?

I don't disagree with anything anyone has said already, but perhaps another perspective on her reaction. It doesn't have to be denial. It could be fear.

If you have been married for 30 years, that places you both in the "older" bracket. What has her life so far been? Does she have a career? A pension? Skills? Has she been a "traditional wife / mother". How does that compare to you? Many women, after 30 years of marriage, their "status" and "identity" can be inextricably linked with being a wife and/or mother in a way that no man could possibly understand because his world is often so much larger. If this is the case, suddenly being something else, something else that you have little or no experience of, can be very frightening. And on a practical level, what will her life then look like - where will she live, what will she live on....

Fear is a numbing for some people, and in particular numbing fear is a more female trait. Many women are brought up to see themselves as attachments to mens lives - fathers, husbands, sometimes even sons and grandsons. We haven't come that far socially that there aren't still all these influences around us whether we adhere to the sterotypes or not - and for many girls growing up in 2022, not all that much has changed since I was growing up in the 60's. On the surface it may look like it has. But pretty much everything around us is a veneer, and it is still a man's world for the vast majority. It may - may - be easier to break out of that mould, but that doesn't mean most people do.

So yes, if you must leave then you must leave, and don't go back again. But equally, you can't just walk away that easily, and there will be a lot of things to resolve - things she may be paralysingly scared of. You are both due some happiness, but yours isn't at the expense of hers either, so it isn't as simple as tell her you are walking away. You need very quickly to move on to practical issues about assets and pension and whatever else is necessary to ensure that she can move forward.

I think I remember you from before Jack.
If you are who I remember, then your wife is very controlling, abusive and manipulative. That could be why this is so hard for you?
Posters giving you a hard time might not be aware of this.
Please, just go. Don't go back. Start living your own life.

I didn’t read the previous thread but this was my first thought too.

I had a friend who wanted to leave her DH for years and each time she eventually did they would end up getting back together because he was controlling and manipulative.

Some posters are very biased.

There are mixed messages coming from you. You left, went back and now you are saying you are off again but haven't yet gone....

Yes. It's really annoying and actually
May be causing unnecessary upset if it's not true. Relationships do break down for other reasons. It's perfectly possible for feelings to change with out any one else involved.

Actions speak louder than words. You've said the words and havent acted. It was cruel to go back the last time really.

Does she work? Is she afraid of the task of taking on a house by herself. I ask because some women like my mother don't even know which energy supplier they're with because my father does all the financials and she's never worked.

Showing where the wheel is and how to push it might be helpful if that's the case.

If she's Independent then actions are needed. Not telling her again and not doing anything.

I think the thing is that you haven’t left. You still live in the same house so her preferred approach is denial and trying to smooth things back over. If you really want to split, then move out now and start divorce proceedings, rather than continuing as normal cohabiting.

Obviously it’s going to be horrific grief for her though - 30 years is mega long. It’s basically probably most of her life.

It sounds like you're waiting for her to acknowledge and verbally accept that you're leaving. This might not happen, and it's not necessary for you to wait for this before you leave.

As others have said, you've stated your feelings, said you're leaving, so the next step is to leave. You can't control her reaction to what you say and do, so as long as you've done what you can to communicate your feelings and intentions, leave it at that and start following through with actions.

Try relate. They can help with the separation process, give wife time to work through her feelings and accept your position.

I think this can backfire. I agreed to go speak with someone to help us manage our seperation, my ex saw it as marriage counselling which would support us in staying together. He got very angry at both the counsellor and I when the penny dropped this wasn't the case. I think in this case it would be prolonging the agony. My main interest in the counselling was managing how we would tell the children, manage to co-parent etc. This isn't relevant in this case so what is there to say or analys that hasn't been done already. It's down to practicalties now, which if it requires outside intervention, will be from a solicitor or mediator.

What do you expect her to do the next day? Pretend that you don't exist?Gnashing and wailing and begging? you're still in the same house. After a lifetime of thinking about another person she won't just switch off.
Get the divorce rolling which will make it all real and then see where the mood goes

You don't broach the subject again. Now you follow through.

Gather your paperwork. Consult a solicitor about divorce.

Pack your things and move out straight away if finances allow. Or make arrangements to stay elsewhere until the house is sold.

While you are still in the same house, disengage and live separately, separate rooms, separate beds, cook, eat, clean, launder for yourself.

If you've left once already, presumably some of this is already underway?

What are your plans? What are your next steps? Focus on practicalities, and get on with it.

Just do it, Jack. You don't need her blessing to go. You tried, it didn't work, at least now you know for sure it's over.

You don't need to keep talking about it; just do it. Move out and start divorce proceedings.

You don’t need her agreement to separate and divorce. You can proceed. First step is to work out what you need to do next. Speak to a solicitor, look for accommodation, move to the spare room. You can be kind to your wife whilst you do these things but don’t give her hope. No sex, cuddles, cosy meals. You need to move to living separately but you can greet her, make her a coffee, accept one from her - like you would a housemate. It’s a hard adjustment for both of you but you have had longer to think about it than she has.

Personally I found it didn’t become real until we actually lived spears so I’d try to get to that point quickly if you can. Don’t forget financial advice and to protect any large joint sums of money.

This is really sad 😔 obviously there's a backstory so I can't judge the situation properly.

Well done for being honest with yourself and your wife. A clean break is achievable.

She has been delivered a shock and some people (I certainly did) carry on like nothing's happened to protect themselves while the reality slowly sinks in. She's not in denial and is perfectly aware of what's happening.

If you haven't already done so, make a plan, sit down and let her know what you're arrangements are, then go by tonight.

Be decisive in your words and actions but also appreciate her world will be falling apart so respect will be required.

When you're gone, work out the practicalities and arrange to run through things with her in a few days time. Matter of fact approach is the order of the day.

Good luck @Jack1964 and I wish you well

Make plans and leave properly this time. And then go grey rock.
Do not go back again and don't sleep with her!! It's just confusing

Start a conversation re selling the house/buying each other out.

Thank god one person has said the word kind. Maybe you are kind OP, but the vast majority of the advice you have received is so very much the opposite. Of COURSE you can leave and it is hard, but you might find it easier on both of you if you say, calmly and repetitively what you need to do for yourself.

What affair?

Sorry wrong post I have asked for it to be taken down