I need to leave my wife of 30 yrs

[Jack1964]

Hi all,
I was oN here a couple of years back,
I left my wife for about a month and I was so happy.
she begged and pleaded with me to come back, which I eventually did.
I’ve tried to make the marriage work but I just don’t love her anymore.
how do I tell her I’m leaving for the second time?

Jesus christ man just tell her and go. Or are you hanging around because you want her to leave the home? 🤔

You need to actually leave. You gave a speech last night, and then you carried on as normal. What did you expect her to do this morning?

I appreciate you have really tried, and are being kind, but you need to accept, you are ‘the bad guy’ in her eyes (at least for now) and get out and allow the reality to start sinking in. If you mean it you cannot give mixed messages, you have to get on with it. Do you have someone nearby you can move in with until you sort yourself somewhere to live/start divorce proceedings etc.?

I think I remember your thread and you received the much of the same advice on it as you are here.

Stop dithering, just do it. Or you'll keep going around in circles and be back here in another few months, asking the same question.

Say it, do it.

Are you waiting for her to pack your suitcase and a sandwich for the train?

Just do it. Leave. Phone your family. Take responsibility. Tell them what's happening and that your wife needs to support.

Your wife needs THEiR support

I've nothing to add to the very solid advice you have been given but came on the thread to say how pleased I am that nobody has yet jumped to the conclusion that there MUST be another woman, as is usually how these threads go!

You are now separated.
What that looks like is for you both to decide
Currently it looks exactly the same as being married!
She's not going to organise something she doesn't want to happen.
You need to go online, file for decree nisi, maje an appointment for mediation to discuss finances, ideally also leave at least temporarily until you have together decided what to do.
If you don't then don't expect separate life to look any different to married life!

When did you fall out of love with her? It's a pity you could not have left much sooner.

She's acting like that because you're still there

If you've said it buy not actually taken any steps to actually leave, why wouldn't she carry on as normal. You just need to go, you don't need to wait for her permission..

It will be horrible for her, but hanging around isn't going to make it better.

She's probably hoping that you will change your mind again or that if she doesn't acknowledge it, it's not really happening.

For what it's worth, please don't feel guilty. It's not worth staying in an unhappy relationship. Your wife will be better off in the long run as will you. Life is too short - you both deserve to find someone better for each other.

As others have said - less talking, more doing.

Start the divorce process, move out of your bedroom if not out of the house, start separating any joint finances.

Stop messing her around and just go.

Her reaction is probably because of your mixed messages.

Have you sorted out alternative accommodation? Would you need to sell the house and then each buy separately? Are you clear on how much money you would have for this in future? I think you need to start working out the tough questions, but in the short term, you need to at minimum move into a different bedroom immediately and then sort somewhere else to stay for now.

For goodness sake, you've been leaving her since 2019. You've told her the relationship is over so many times she likely thinks this is just some kind of game.

I appreciate it is difficult but in honesty, there is nothing anyone on the forum can say that will magically make it happen. You need to just walk out that door and not return.

I wonder if it would be beneficial for you to get some counselling to give you the confidence to just go.

You don't need to broach it again, you need to take action.

What would your next move be?

I think we need to no more I’m afraid. As in the financial or home situation,who owns what etc.is there children at home or defendants.
if it’s your home do you want her to leave immediately or couod you sit down and go be e a date.
or could you move out for a while saying your giving her time to pack?
if your the one that’s leaving then you just go.but since you haven’t it sounds like there is more to it.

Do you have somewhere to go?

I would start sorting this process out and then once it’s finalised then tell her you’ll be moving out on X date.

I know you’re trying to be kind but I think she’s just in denial and don’t accept it until you’ve moved out.

She probably won’t accept it even then and think you’ll come back.

Although I understand why you’d go back and feel guilty for leaving her, you cannot give her false hope or move back in because this is going to make things worse.

Yes she may struggle without you at first but she’ll eventually find her feet and you need to put your happiness first for once.

Did you sleep in the same bed as her last night?

Jesus christ man just tell her and go. Or are you hanging around because you want her to leave the home?

That’s rude.

Not everyone is so heartless that they can tell their wife of 30 years they’re leaving and be gone the same day.

And it’s highly likely that when he does leave his wife will have to leave the home if she can’t afford it by herself, again that’s a massive thing to put on someone and it’s understandable why OP is feeling so guilty about it.

Leave.

It's all about the contact you have afterwards.

Do you have children? The key there is to just never communicate except about the children (possibly about the divorce)

If you don't have children it's just simple leave then no contact and consider communicating via solicitors only.

This is very harsh but if you lack whatever it is (backbone/will/coldness) to be able to not be drawn back to her, then it's necessary.

This. You've had months or even years to come to terms with this and make your plans . She hasn’t.

I know you left before but it’s clear from you post that she spent that month desperately hoping that you would come back . So of course she is going to be shocked and devastated.

Im sure that she is carrying on as normal this morning because she is trying to be brave and keep it all together. Not because she is ignoring you. Would you rather than she was lying on the floor screaming and crying or sitting on the sofa knocking back the gin? Or were you expecting her to be packing for you ?

Perhaps you are hoping that she will agree that it’s over so that you can tell everyone that it’s mutual? I don’t know .

Please take the excellent advice you’ve had on this and your other thread.

Pack your stuff and move out.

Take responsibility for your own actions and tell your family and friends that you’ve decided to leave . Then your wife can get the support and help she needs.

Accept that not everyone in your social circle will agree with your actions.

Get legal advice immediately and try to divorce as quickly and amincably as possible. Listen hard when you lawyer explains what is a matrimonial asset. Don’t try to hide these or lie about them.

Accept that the starting point for division of assets is 50:50 and you won’t get more because you have earned more ( as most men have ). The court will consider other contributions to your long marriage as just as valid. Fighting about this will make everything worse and cost more so don’t do it.

If you happen to meet a new partner next week / month , please be as discrete as you can for the months to come. Don’t post on social media or attend public functions with your new woman or expect your children ( if you have any ) to meet her until next summer at the earliest. I’m not saying don’t date - I’m saying don’t rub it in everyone’s faces and expect them to like it.

Don’t expect all of your own family to dump your wife immediately. Remember that she has been in their family for the last 30 years and they may have a relationship with her that’s independent of you. Allow then to make their own choices as adults.

You need to leave. And don’t go back again. It’s making it harder for your wife

I think I remember you from before Jack.
If you are who I remember, then your wife is very controlling, abusive and manipulative. That could be why this is so hard for you?
Posters giving you a hard time might not be aware of this.
Please, just go. Don't go back. Start living your own life.