I need to leave my wife of 30 yrs

[Jack1964]

Hi all,
I was oN here a couple of years back,
I left my wife for about a month and I was so happy.
she begged and pleaded with me to come back, which I eventually did.
I’ve tried to make the marriage work but I just don’t love her anymore.
how do I tell her I’m leaving for the second time?

Perhaps you should pack your things, leave and start divorce proceedings.

WOW, just wow.

I guess you missed the part about his wife being controlling and abusive?

I would stay with my husband if he got sick. Because we still have a good marriage and I love him.
But if the marriage had run to it's end, and we were unhappy, no, I wouldn't stay. Or expect him to stay.

@Jack1964

People think you're the bad guy here, when it's actually your wife that is. She's the one that has made a unilateral decision that you will stay no matter how bad her behavior has been. You're not leaving because you fell out of love with her. You're not the one being cruel. She knows exactly why you want to go.

You can't get helpful advice from the limited information you've given. If you don't want to explain, then at least link this thread back to all the others. Nothing has changed. You're still being emotionally abused and you're still not at fault for trying to leave.

Good luck and I hope you're able to successfully leave this time.

Your future is waiting; you've lost 3 years. Please don't lose any more.

Hi Jack, I just read your previous messages and I agree with @beenwhereyouare your life is drifting by and you won’t get the time back.
I agree with posters who say pack a bag and go, cutting off all personal contact or you will never escape, emotional blackmail can be a powerful tool.
Do your family know how you feel, are they understanding, do you have friends to share time with and to help as you begin your new life.
Don’t waste another minute …life is precious.

Did that make you feel all grown up?
You sound like a sad and immature individual.

@IncompleteSenten No he needs to stay and try to see if he has a claim on the house.

Agreed. OP you need to speak to a solicitor asap

Thanks and noted

They have been married for 30 years , of course they BOTH have a claim on the house. And all other matrimonial property . He wont lose that because he moves out.

As he has already left before and has been planning this for months, Im sure he will alrdeay have taken legal and financial advice. If not then of course he should do so asap.

You must be worried about the guilt of leaving someone after 30 years although I would say Jack if your wife has been capable of having affairs but only 2 years ago, I would say she should be ok.

Difficult choices.

@KatherineJaneway · Today 14:17
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · Today 13:35
Stop whining on here and just effing leave
Next.........
That is so unkind and unsupportive.

Supportive ? Are you joking ? He needs a kick up his backside if he needs to ask this question here. Just leave and give her a life man

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas

You sound vile.

Not only are you being a dick to the OP but you’re also encouraging him to leave his wife, so I’m not sure whose side you’re on or why you bothered posting.

Ok bit of background here.
wife had an emotional affair that lasted over a year,
this happened / started 3 yrs ago and I duly left her,
this was a easy choice because of the affair.
she then became suicidal and a shell of herself and begged me to come back (which I now realize was the em worse decision)
my wife is very cajoling and manipulative and usually gets her own way, whereas I want the least resistance and zero drama.
as far as moving out I have a house on our property that is just about finished with the renovations and I could move in there tomorrow.
money property’s etc can be split 50/50 as there is enough fort both of us.
Both of our children are young adults thriving in their given professions .
tThe tricky part is our business where we are both instrumental in its success, could be tricky still working together.
we have had seperate bedrooms for the last 5 yrs due to my snoring and my wife’s menopausal hot flashes etc.
our life is mostly sexless since her emotional affair as I’ve lost all interest in her .
I really am a lot happier alone and prefer to spend time away from her.
There is no other would be partners around for neither party.
hopefully this has answered all of the questions .

Thank you all again for your suggestions of what some have been very thought provoking.

cheers

JM

I wish you'd put that info in your previous posts.

I still think you need to get out ASAP.

Nothing is going to get better & being together in the same house is just going to keep hurting both of you.

You aren't going to suddenly love her again & she is never going to believe it's over because you did come back.

I suggest you get yourself some sort of therapist ASAP & be prepared for even more levels of extreme emotional blackmail from her.

How you work out the business side of things I don't know.
I don't think you will be able to work together any longer.
She will always be trying to manipulate you into going back as long as she has contact with you.

You really need to find a way to either sell out of that business & do something else, or get her out of it.

You need a complete break from your ex.

It sounds like if you'd had that the first time, you'd never have gone back.

@Jack1964

Move into the 2nd house, pronto. The rest can be figured out later.

Wtf is an emotional affair supposed to be? Like not physical? In which case she had a deep friendship with someone? Or emotional as she fell in love with someone and thus emotions were involved?

I wondered this too.

Nothing wrong with having a bestie that isn’t your spouse if that is what works for people. I would be horrified to hear that she had to end a good friendship because jack felt uncomfortable (jealous) with it, and she became emotionally isolated… which would explain some of that later behaviour.

however if enough is enough and clearly jack isn’t happy, it’s time he got going and I’m not sure living on the same property albeit different residences, is a healthy solution (if I read that bit right)…

Agreed. Hopefully this emotional affair will be clarified as that isn't grounds for a divorce on its own if she had a bloomimg close friend who she didn't sleep with! Jesus wept.

You really are caught between a rock and a hard place aren’t you and there’s certainly no easy way out.
The pack your bag and leave idea certainly is not going to work.
The fact that your alternative accommodation sounds as if it’s on the same site, plus you work together, combine that with your wife’s emotional manipulation, this really isn’t going to distance you from her at all.
Unless you are willing to move away completely and maybe work remotely in your company or sell it I just can’t see a way out for you.

Nothing wrong with having a bestie that isn’t your spouse if that is what works for people. I would be horrified to hear that she had to end a good friendship because jack felt uncomfortable (jealous) with it, and she became emotionally isolated… which would explain some of that later behaviour

What upset you about your wife’s platonic friendship Jack?

I think you should take up your wife’s suggestion and go to therapy to help you both talk through your problems so that you can separate as friends.

Also Jack, snoring could be causing sleep apnea which can have an affect on people’s health, quality of life and many other problems, as well as them feeling emotionally distant from their partner if having to sleep in separate rooms.

I hope your wife has seen her doctor to help her through her menopause, as life is awful for some women, at this point of their lives.

If you need to leave you need to do so.you are just hurting eacother now.and I don't see any reasons here why you actually.need to stay.no kiss,you have a place to,your basically living separately anyway.
Why are you dangling around each other miserably.
If you do this you need to do this and for good thoguh.you keep coming back is also not fair to.her becaause she won't heal and move on either.
You can sit down and sort the business out.there are ways I'm sure it could be done professionally.

WTAF am I reading 😯.
I thought emotional affairs were real things on MN, and classified as 'more hurtful than physical affairs '. Enough to LTB!

I'll remember to tell the next woman seeking advice on one to not deny her husband his closest bestie, because she's jealous 🙄

But it wasn't what I'd call an emotional affair.
If I recall your post, there were naked pictures involved and she was going to meet the bloke but he got cold feet.
That's not an emotional affair.

It's a serious case for LTB.

just to clarify the EMotional affair,
they had been talking and sending naked pics to each other and where very explicit in their language to one another , also planning to meet up when I was away.
so not your how are you feeling orally pally affair but full on graphic text ready for the next move affair.
I take umbrage towards the posts telling me that it’s no big deal to have an EA partner,
I wonder what the response would be if it was the husband sending sweet nothings to a lady friend , I’m sure all you women out there would think of it as personally normal!

What's actually stopping you from leaving @Jack1964 ?