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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 31/10/2022 21:44

Yanbu.

Youre using it for a middle name. He's used it for a first name. It has sentimental value.

AtomicBlondeRose · 31/10/2022 21:45

Both DC will have it as a middle name, neither as a first name! That’s absolutely fine and rather a sweet family tradition actually. He is BU.

Fleur405 · 31/10/2022 21:45

Your brother is being completely ridiculous.

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PumpkinSpiceLatay · 31/10/2022 21:46

Your brother is being ridiculous. It’s a middle name.

Xenapo · 31/10/2022 21:46

You're brother is being an arsehole. Give her the Middle name you would like and he can get lost. It's her choice if he wants to be offended. I know of cousins with the same first name ffs

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 31/10/2022 21:48

YANBU. But do you need to tell him what your DD's middle name is? Obviously don't lie, but don't volunteer that info either unless they ask outright.

comfortablyfrumpy · 31/10/2022 21:49

DB is being ridiculous

CoveredInCobwebs · 31/10/2022 21:49

Your brother is being totally ridiculous. My brother and I have both honoured our dead parents with our kids' middle names and it's really special. He had his kids after mine and the thought that he had done something 'wrong' in choosing the same middle name quite honestly never crossed my mind.

hoooops · 31/10/2022 21:49

YANBU I have three siblings and all four of us have boys who have our Dad's name as their middle name.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 31/10/2022 21:49

Hes being ridiculous.

Two of my sons have the same middle name (one changed his name a couple of years ago and chose that name). It's absolutely fine.

ArseMenagerie · 31/10/2022 21:50

He’s being completely u

Unseelie · 31/10/2022 21:50

Your brother is being weird. He’ll get over it. It’s completely normal for kids to take a grandparents first name as the child’s middle name, and this does often result in some duplication among cousins.

Yanbu.

The most important thing tho is to avoid stress while you’re pregnant. Stop discussing names with anyon apart from your partner, especially stop discussing with DB, then simply name the baby and tell people when you have done so. That’ll reduce this type of bullying and also stop people rudely critiquing names you like.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 😀

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2022 21:51

What you have to ask yourself is, are you prepared to fall out with your DB about this? Yes, he’s being an arse about it, but he probably thinks the same about you. Did your mum only have one first name or is there another one you can use?

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 31/10/2022 21:51

Thank goodness you now know how pathetic he is. Imagine if you had been having a boy and were considering using his name somehow...
He isn't worth messaging back op.
Imo.

Slimjimtobe · 31/10/2022 21:52

Your brother is being really spiteful here.
mid course name her after you mum - it’s a middle name so won’t be used daily

I am so happy you finally have your baby.

Megapint · 31/10/2022 21:53

He;s being daft. Both of my sons & all of my nephews on my husband's side have the same middle name after my late FIL

GiantKitten · 31/10/2022 21:53

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy 💐
Yes, he is being ridiculous! (And his DD will probably be delighted to share a name with her little cousin.)
I don’t know what you can say to him though that you haven’t already said. Have you talked to SIL since he sent his messages?

LeMoo · 31/10/2022 21:53

Oh seriously.

He's being a knob. "Height of rudeness" - not sure he understands the word.

Yanbu.

RandomMess · 31/10/2022 21:53

He is being ridiculous, they are middle names!!!

CoastalWave · 31/10/2022 21:54

How bizarre! He's being very silly. She was your Mum too (and you're the daughter)

I'd be inclined to just do it anyway but maybe don't make a big deal of a name announcement when she's born - just say, Welcome baby Elizabeth weighing 7lb blah blah rather than the whole 3 name type announcement!

Or, depending what the name is, I'm sure I'd use it as first name!

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2022 21:54

How upsetting. He is being weird and seems to have worked himself into a right lather over a total non issue. Is is like this normally?

Justworkplease · 31/10/2022 21:54

He’s being completely unreasonable @FarrahMoon 👍🏻 I could see his point perhaps if they were both having your mums name as their first name but nobody else will even register them having them same middle names 🙄

What a lovely mum she must have been for you both to want to honour her in that way 😊

OneCup · 31/10/2022 21:55

He's completely ridiculous since it won't cause any confusion of any kind. On the contrary, he should feel pleased you both wanted to celebrate and remember your mother.

RoseAndRose · 31/10/2022 21:55

DBro may be upset right now, but he is also wrong.

There is nothing wrong with cousins sharing a middle name, especially when honouring your DMum

There's an example of this in my family (utterly unproblematic) and then of course there's the royal example with Diana being the middle name of both her granddaughers

IwishIwasSupermum · 31/10/2022 21:55

He is being very unreasonable, both my sister and I have given our DD’s my late mums name as a middle name.

Congrats on your pregnancy - we had 6 years infertility too.

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