Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 31/10/2022 22:39

Princes William and Harry have both used the same middle name for their daughters. If they can have the good grace not to argue about it then so can your brother.

TheZenOne22 · 31/10/2022 22:40

Your brother is being completely unreasonable.

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. He shouldn’t be the only one that gets to honour your mother. I think it’s nice that they’ll both have the same middle name - I wouldn’t change it.

congratulations by the way.

momonpurpose · 31/10/2022 22:41

Stand your ground. It's a beautiful tribute. All of my late father's male grand children and now a great child have his first name as a middle name. Your mom would be honored by this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Genevieva · 31/10/2022 22:41

I think cousins sharing middle names is a lovely thing.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 31/10/2022 22:43

I have a cousin with the same name as me . I think its great. Your db is being an arsehole .

Isithotinhere · 31/10/2022 22:43

He's being very unreasonable and unfair - it's a middle name and it's honouring your mum.

Please don't feel you can't give your daughter your mums name as a middle name it's a lovely thing to do and will be a link with your mum.

KillingLoneliness · 31/10/2022 22:43

YANBU, several members in my family share the same middle name and I’ve passed it down to my daughter and I know some of my family members intended to use it if they have daughters, it’s a nice tradition that’s been kept going over four generations.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/10/2022 22:45

Your brother is being an arse about this.

I share my middle name with most other girls born in the 1970s-it was always quite funny! Name your DD what you want to.

Scianel · 31/10/2022 22:45

Both my brothers and I have the same second middle name, which was our dad's middle name. My nephew now has it as well. Your brother is being ridiculous, selfish and hurtful. It's like he's staking claim to your mother.

Pallisers · 31/10/2022 22:46

I have a middle name the same as my cousin's first name (both named after an aunt).

I have several cousins with the same first and middle name - named after my grandfather.

My sister called her eldest after our dad. If my last had been a boy - 10 years later - I would have done the same.

Your brother is being ridiculous. just ignore.

Chaiandchocolate · 31/10/2022 22:46

He’s being ridiculous and nasty and needs to get over himself. No one owns a name and middle names are rarely used publicly anyway.

I share the same middle name as a cousin and we were both given the name in honour of our DGM who passed away shortly before we were born (it was DGM middle name). No one in our family could care less.

Littlegoth · 31/10/2022 22:48

3 of my cousins are called Richard, after their Grandad (their mums are all sisters).

we just call them Richard James, Richard Michael, etc (real names not used here to avoid outing!). No one thinks it’s weird or wrong.

HashtagShitShop · 31/10/2022 22:48

Congratulations lovely!

Your brother is being an idiot. In this family my gran, mum, I and my cousin all have my great grans middle male as our middle name. My cousin also has another aunties name as her second middle name.

My dad had his grandads name as his first name. My brother has our dad's first and middle name as 2 middle names.

Your brother does not have the "ownership" of your lovely mum and her name and has no right telling you not to use it. Remind him that you wouldn't and have no right to tell him what he can name his kids too.

KatieBell12 · 31/10/2022 22:49

Your brother is a wanker

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2022 22:49

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 22:24

Christ I could only imagine the drama if I gave the name as a first name.

I haven't whatsapped him back, I'm honestly shocked and saddened that he appears to have an issue with this. I know if mum were here she would tell him to get a bloody grip!

I can't imagine why SIL would have an issue either. She was the one who said it will be nice for the girls to have that special connection!

So confused and hurt right now. I don't know if I should just leave it for now or message him back.

Message back and say your considering changing it to the first name ?

RandomMess · 31/10/2022 22:50

I wouldn't message whilst emotions are running high on both sides.

Winterscomingagain · 31/10/2022 22:50

In my family the middle names are the same and have been passed down for generations.He's being totally unreasonable.

Magn · 31/10/2022 22:51

He's being totally ridiculous. Given that it's such a bizarre thing to act like this over and that he's not normally like this though I doubt it's actually the name that's causing the issue. Might be worth having a proper chat to find out the real issue.

Honeyroar · 31/10/2022 22:52

He’s being very silly and a bit precious. Nobody remembers anyone’s middle name anyway. I just had to think for a moment to remember what my husband’s or my brother’s was! I had already forgotten that Charlotte and Lilibet shared Diana as a middle name. (perhaps that’s why H & W don’t speak now!!). It really doesn’t matter a jot.

Id let him calm down then speak to him as calmly as possible in a few days. Point out that it was good enough for the queen’s family. This is perhaps the one time I’d say show him this thread. It gives lots of examples of cousins sharing middle names and also shows how upset you are and how you live him.

MichaelFabricantWig · 31/10/2022 22:53

Fleur405 · 31/10/2022 21:45

Your brother is being completely ridiculous.

This, tell him to grow up.

Mine and my sister’s son have the same middle name. If we had had a girl she’d have had my H’s mum’s name as a middle name, irrespective of the fact his sister had given it to her daughter for her middle name too. It’s your mum as much as his and you’re entitled to honour her too.

Schoolchoicesucks · 31/10/2022 22:53

If both girls were going to have Victoria as the first name, he'd have a point, but both having it as a middle name (or even one as first and one as middle) is fine. Especially if they have different surnames too. Middle names rarely come up and it's lovely that both girls will honour your mother that way.
Acknowledge his feelings, that he seems to think it is taking something from his daughter, but stay firm that this is something you've always wanted to honour your mum and also it will link the two cousins together. If he's normally fine then he'll come around I'm sure.

Bettyfluff36 · 31/10/2022 22:53

My sister has just given birth and given the same middle name as my little one. It's been used in the family before and we said how lovely it would be for them to have the same name! How sad that your brother has made you feel like this. Honour your mum with the name and know he is being completely ridiculous

Bumpsadaisie · 31/10/2022 22:54

YANBU

In my family all the girls have middle name Elizabeth. There isn't ownership over middle names.

If it was a first name, I could see the issue.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/10/2022 22:54

He is being ridiculous.

I think you should message him back and tell him how shocked and upset you are to receive that message. You're her daughter too and he doesn't get to call dibs on honouring her. Stand your ground and put it back on him, he's the one who has hurt you.

Nobody owns a name and like PPs have said, there are plenty of cousins with the same first name. Using a grandparents name as a middle name for multiple kids in the family is really not unusual.

Hopefully he's just having some sort of weird moment and will see sense fairly quickly.

What's his wife/partner like? Is she someone who would be reasonable about these things and can talk to him, or would she be more likely to egg him on?

nightbulb · 31/10/2022 22:57

As someone who has been through similar your brother is being an utter idiot, and an emotionally controlling one at that. He gets zero say over what you call your child and has no more of a claim to your mums memory than you do.

it’s not worth falling out over, a very straightforward - she was mum to both of us, and grandmother to both our daughters, would suffice.

The only person in the world who thinks he is not being a twat is himself.