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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 22:24

Christ I could only imagine the drama if I gave the name as a first name.

I haven't whatsapped him back, I'm honestly shocked and saddened that he appears to have an issue with this. I know if mum were here she would tell him to get a bloody grip!

I can't imagine why SIL would have an issue either. She was the one who said it will be nice for the girls to have that special connection!

So confused and hurt right now. I don't know if I should just leave it for now or message him back.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 31/10/2022 22:24

Your brother is BU

KatherineJaneway · 31/10/2022 22:25

Your DB is being unreasonable. Sounds like this has hit a nerve with him so, once he has calmed down, would be worth a chat so this does not escalate into something that causes long term issues in your relationship.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 31/10/2022 22:26

He thinks it conveys some sort of status on his daughter. That she is THE BEST honour of your mum. In turn, he thinks it conveys a similar status on him.

Tell him to do one and use your mums name.

2pinkginsplease · 31/10/2022 22:27

If my brother and his wife had kicked up a fuss about my child’s name then I’d use the name as a first name to piss them off even more!

Zwicky · 31/10/2022 22:27

I have the same first name as my cousin and my brother has the same first name as 4 of our cousins. DH has the same middle name as both of his brothers Prince Louis has the same first name as his brothers middle name. Your brother is being really weird about it. It’s totally normal, especially when cousins are named for their communal grandparent.

FrangipaniBlue · 31/10/2022 22:27

I have the same first name as my cousin.... and her twin has the same first name as my mum!

Your brother is being ridiculous.

I too vote for upgrading "Victoria" to first name.

Ficti · 31/10/2022 22:29

Could this have triggered some deep-seated sibling rivalry? Was he ever jealous of your relationship with your mum?

Greentomatoes21 · 31/10/2022 22:29

Hope you're OK. Give her your mum's middle name - brother is being unreasonable. No one owns the name. Being born first doesn't come with rights to a name. My brother and I both gave our sons our late father's name as a middle name. Both have different surnames and first names obviously. It's special for me, special for him, special for our mum who is thankfully around to meet her little grandsons, unlike my dad. And special for the two little cousins who never met their Grandpa but hear about him all the time. X

Iloveacurry · 31/10/2022 22:30

Take a screen shot of the message and send it to your SIL. She can tell your DB what a idiot he’s being.

Brokendaughter · 31/10/2022 22:31

Nobody owns a name & loads of other people in the world already have that name who could say he copied them.

My father had the same name as one of my mothers brothers, which was also the name of his first boss & one of his nephews.
He didn't even have that common a name.

Nobody ever got any of them confused & those were first names.

These are middle names, most of the people those 2 girls meet in their lives will never even know what their middle names are.

Buteverythingsfine · 31/10/2022 22:32

My two girls have the same middle name! It's a patronym, taken from the father, so all girls of that father have the same middle name. Common in Eastern Europe. If sisters can live with it so can your silly brother.

bakebeans · 31/10/2022 22:32

Are u sure it's your brother talking and not your sil

stayathomer · 31/10/2022 22:33

Same as someone above my son has my dad’s name asa middle name and my two nephews (one brother, one from sister) have his first name. Sorry your brother is being like this, whether you decide to go with it or not you need to let him know he’s being selfish x

KitchiHuritAngeni · 31/10/2022 22:33

I would message him back and just say she was your mum too, you want her to have a connection to your dd, and you want to honour her as well. Maybe ask what the issue is exactly as nobody will even use their middle names.

If your dd was born first would he not have used your mums name as his dds middle name?

Onautopilot · 31/10/2022 22:34

My daughter, my niece and a cousin all have the same middle name; different first names and surnames. Never a problem.

spookypump · 31/10/2022 22:34

Congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy OP.

I'd say it's your DB who is being rude here, definitely not you.

I have a cousin with the same first name as me and another who has that same name as her middle name, after our DG and DGG. I can't imagine anyone batted an eyelid at the time.

Please name your baby as you wish to, your Mum would be honoured I'm sure.

Kindlethefourth · 31/10/2022 22:34

I reckon your niece will be thrilled to share a middle name with her new cousin. He is being very silly. I wouldn't suggest using the name as a first name just to get at DB as you will be taking a name that means a lot to you both to use in retaliation which in time I think you would regret. How lucky to have a Mum that you both want to name a child after. Am wondering how he reacted to his grief and whether there it had sparked some unresolved grief or issues? He could of course just be acting like a twit. Name away: so much thought goes into names and really, middle names hardly feature at all in life growing up!

Lulanna · 31/10/2022 22:34

Talk rather than message. Much easier to express yourself and listen to each other. You could include your partner as well as SIL.
Messages can so easily be misconstrued.

SwishSwishBisch · 31/10/2022 22:34

Your DB is being utterly ridiculous. Let him cool off and seek a conversation tomorrow (not over text), only way to resolve this.

SenecaFallsRedux · 31/10/2022 22:35

He thinks it conveys some sort of status on his daughter. That she is THE BEST honour of your mum. In turn, he thinks it conveys a similar status on him.

I wonder if it is something like this or as a poster suggested, some kind of deep seated sibling rivalry.

Actually some of the examples of the Royal Family might be good examples to give to him. All those Georges and Edwards among cousins and often even siblings. And William and Catherine have two sons named Louis.

Nottodaty · 31/10/2022 22:36

Not sure why your brother has a monopoly on a name.
I’ve got a middle name that a number of my first born female cousins have. Same with the boys a number have the same second name. Both family names from our much loved Grandparents.
My eldest daughter also has the name and my second born has a slightly different take on it similar but different.

Changechangychange · 31/10/2022 22:37

I’d be tempted to use it as her first name now, just to piss him off. It can be his DD’s middle name, and your DD’s actual name. But that is me, and I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do.

Womencanlift · 31/10/2022 22:38

Reply back and tell him to grow up. Your mum had two children and both have as much right as each other to name their children after her

Don’t involve your DH or SIL - this is between you and your brother.

If it’s good enough for Charlotte and Lilibet to both have Diana as a middle name then it’s fine for you and your brother

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 31/10/2022 22:39

She was your mum too, you have just as much right to use her name as anybody. I think it’s nice that cousins will have the same middle name. At the end of the day, a name is a name. Anyone can choose what name they want. Your niece is older so obviously they chose it first, I don’t see what the problem is.