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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/10/2022 22:03

He is being ridiculous.

it’s your mums name as well! You have every right to use it.

Use it.

TokenGinger · 31/10/2022 22:04

He is being utterly ridiculous. My brother has chosen both of our grandmothers' names as his daughter's name (one name as first name and the other as a middle name). I know he wouldn't bat an eyelid if we chose either of those names as the middle name for the DD I'm currently pregnant with. Those names are precious to both of us.

Your brother doesn't get to take that name and say you can't use it because he was lucky enough to have a child first.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 31/10/2022 22:04

Your brother is being unreasonable. I would still use it. Maybe even for her first name. 😎

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Families
User57713 · 31/10/2022 22:04

My cousin and I share the same middle name in the exact same circumstances op, my mum's mum died when she was young.

It has never been an issue for anyone. I'm really close to my cousin too, similar ages, have similar aged kids, live round the corner from each other, spend loads of time together. Our middle names are completely irrelevant. I don't think we've ever commented on sharing a middle name.

Complete non-issue.

Your db and/or his partner, whoever is driving this, is u here. Not you.

Forfukzsake · 31/10/2022 22:04

He is asserting that he is chief mourner. He can get to fuck. You can name your daughter after your mother if you want. You do not need his permission.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 31/10/2022 22:05

See this as practice for how you will protect your child, advocate for them and make decisions on their behalf that not everyone around you agrees with.

FWIW one of my kids has the same first name as their cousin’s middle name, cousin was born first but I had my heart set on the name for years before. We have never talked about it and there is zero drama as we both just liked the name. It’s not awkward or anything. In my own generation of cousins at least three of us have the same name in there somewhere. 🤣

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2022 22:05

Theres a fine line between wanting to keep the peace and maintain the relationship and letting yourself be bullied…

BobbyBobbyBobby · 31/10/2022 22:05

It’s a middle name and he is being overly precious.

It is lovely to have a name to remember your mum by and very nice for the two cousins to have the same connection.

It’s the sort of thing that most little girls would love, like being part of a special friendship club!

Apileofballyhoo · 31/10/2022 22:06

Prince Harry and Meghan have come under a lot of criticism including some dispute about their daughter's name, but as far as I am aware nobody criticised them for using Diana as a middle name even though William and Kate had used it already for Charlotte. And there were professional nit pickers nit picking.

She was your mother too. 💐

Fleur405 · 31/10/2022 22:06

Fedupsequin · 31/10/2022 22:00

Yanbu. I don’t even know my cousin’s middle names!

This is a very good point. I have lots of cousins and I honestly couldn’t tell you any of their middle names!!

Awrite · 31/10/2022 22:06

Who the hell does he think he is?

Don't let him bully you.

It might be an idea to let him know how much he is upsetting you. You might find it hard to forgive him if he doesn't back off.

ladygindiva · 31/10/2022 22:07

One of my DDS has the same middle name as one of her cousins. Complete coincidence, named after different family members on different sides. It's totally not an issue. Yanbu.

notdaddycool · 31/10/2022 22:07

I know siblings that share a family middle name, I wonder if his wife is behind it. Let him sleep on it a bit longer.

Idbemonica1 · 31/10/2022 22:07

He's being batshit level crazy. There is zero problem with both girls having their nans namd as a middle name.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2022 22:08

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:55

Thank you everyone. I am reading your replies through my big fat tears! Feeling very emotional tonight and also had a shit day at work which isn't helping anything!

To the poster who asked, yes my mum had a middle name which I guess I could use. Its not what I wanted or planned but I don't want to fall out with DB we are usually so close. I don't know why he's being like this.

Go to war, and tell him to pickles,
All the best op.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 31/10/2022 22:08

I second@DeoForty , upgrade to a first name if you like it.

If he's not normally like it and was OK at the time maybe it's your Sil that was annoyed first and it's got him thinking afterwards. It's tradition to use grandparent's names as a middle names, he doesn't have a monopoly on it.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 31/10/2022 22:09

2 relatives are named after me, (their middle names) one has my first name, the other has my middle name. One of my dc has my db's name, and all the rest of my grandfathers sons carried his first name as a middle name, and my db carried his full name.

SkylightSkylight · 31/10/2022 22:10

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!! How very exciting xx

its 'normal' to be very emotional & cry, hormones are running amok!!

im sorry to hear about your Mum, being pregnant heightens that loss.

your DB is being utterly utterly selfish & ridiculous.

it should not come as any surprise to him that you'd use your mums name as a middle (if not first) name for your first daughter (and possibly any others), so if he had a problem with you doing that 'as well' he could have not done it! He can't use your mums name then tell you that you can't!

two grandchildren/cousins having the same middle name is absolutely no big deal. I'm close to my cousins and just realised I have no idea what their middle names are!

Don't let this upset you! Just carry on & use your Mums name as your DD's middle name (if she doesn't come out with dangly bits!!) no need for further discussion with your brother, he'll realise he's being absolutely ridiculous!!

if not I'll pop over & tell him for you!!

lizzardinablizzard · 31/10/2022 22:10

You said he was fine during the dinner but then texted later..
I'd guess there's been a discussion and may be it is SIL who is not happy.

Would he normally use those words or it sounds a bit dramatic for him?

I'd give it time and try and assess if they really mean all that or it will just take some getting used to on their part. If it's all only coming from SiL then hopefully your relationship with you DB won't be too affected.

Arnaquer · 31/10/2022 22:10

Your brother is being ridiculous. If both grand daughters had the same first names then that maybe odd but same middle names , not an issue whatsoever. She was bothered of your Mum and you should both be able to honour her. I hope you both done fall out over it, it's not worth it .

Dunnoburt · 31/10/2022 22:10

Show this thread to your brother......he is being absolutely unreasonable xxx

BillyBigot · 31/10/2022 22:11

Use the name you want. Your brother doesn't own that name.

CurlsandSwirls · 31/10/2022 22:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on the user's request.

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2022 22:11

If it was a random name and you've picked it knowing it would cause issues then I'd understand his point of view, but it isn't. It's your late mother's name and entirely reasonable for you both to want to honour your mother in this way.

PinkPrettyAndPointed · 31/10/2022 22:11

My DD has the same middle name as my dn, also named after my DM.

It wouldn't even occur to me to have told dsis that I was using that name!