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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
justasmalltownmum · 31/10/2022 22:11

Just use it. He doesn't own it and it was both of your mums name.

Speaking as someone who's mum died young too.

silverpinecones · 31/10/2022 22:12

YANBU - having the same middle name in a family is really common. I was doing my family tree in lockdown and there were some names that came up over and over again!

Especially in your situation - she was both of yours mother and you are equally entitled to use her name. Especially as it's just a middle name and won't be used that often.

I have 2 DD - one has the same middle name as both me and my great grandma. The other has 2 middle names - one is after her (deceased) grandma, shared with 2 cousins, and the other one is shared with her dad, uncle, and 2 cousins.

He is probably feeling emotional too so perhaps tread carefully if you don't want a fallout but I think it's understandable and totally fine for you to use it if you want to honour your mum in this way

Swannning · 31/10/2022 22:12

DD and my niece (my sister's daughter) both have my Mum's name as a middle name. My Mum was delighted to hear that her granddaughters are named after her.

Your brother is being ridiculous.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
ManxRhyme · 31/10/2022 22:12

She's your mum too. He doesn't have more of a right to honour her than you do. Tell him how much he has hurt you and remind him he doesn't get to dictate your choice of name. Is this really him speaking or his wife? Only asking as you said he isn't usually like this.

Tromboncini · 31/10/2022 22:13

He is being VU and a t**t for using the word
’compassion’.

For a middle name, I honestly couldn’t get upset about this at all. It’s a gesture and nod to your dear mum, it’s not the name they’ll go by on a daily basis.

Sorry this has happened and CONGRATULATIONS 🎉

sobeyondthehills · 31/10/2022 22:13

In my mums family there is a middle name, which is traditonally used, same with my dads family. They are the same name. God knows how many cousins I have with it now (including me) and second cousins, aunts, etc etc

I couldnt tell you which ones, apart from one and I only remember that one because her first name starts with the same letter as mine, so we had the same initials

2pinkginsplease · 31/10/2022 22:14

They are being ridiculous. My friend and her sister share the same middle name, I also have a friend who’s middle name is her sisters first name.

name your daughter it. He doesn’t own the name and you can both honour your mum..

id be texting back to say I’m sorry that’s how you feel but she was my mum too and I have every right to use her name too.

vinoandbrie · 31/10/2022 22:14

Your brother is being completely bonkers.

taybert · 31/10/2022 22:14

Both of my children share one of their names with one of their cousin’s names (one after my dad, one after DH dad). It’s a kinda normal family thing to do…

BringMeTea · 31/10/2022 22:14

Use the name. He is being ridiculous, unreasonable and unkind. Flowers

Swannning · 31/10/2022 22:16

Oh just another thought, (Scottish) DP tells me it's very usual for children in NE Scotland to be given their mother's maiden name as a middle name so there must be thousands of people who share middle names with their cousins.

Wrennie24 · 31/10/2022 22:16

My son and his cousin both have the name of their deceased Grandfather as a middle name. I thought it was a lovely thing to honour the grandfather neither of them met.

Eskimolove · 31/10/2022 22:16

It's your mother too. Your completely allowed to want this. It's not a first name. It's a middle name. Jeezo. Just cause he got there first with a baby girl does not give him rights over the name. To be polite and then message being rude is awful was for him to behave.

I've gave my son my dad's name who passed away before he was born. If my brother had a son and wanted to do similar I actually wouldn't be upset at all. Might be confusing if they both had same first same at times. But hey it was his parent too.

Brigante9 · 31/10/2022 22:17

Apileofballyhoo · 31/10/2022 22:06

Prince Harry and Meghan have come under a lot of criticism including some dispute about their daughter's name, but as far as I am aware nobody criticised them for using Diana as a middle name even though William and Kate had used it already for Charlotte. And there were professional nit pickers nit picking.

She was your mother too. 💐

I think this is it, really, as @Apileofballyhoo , she was your mum too and he doesn’t have a monopoly on using it as a middle name. It’s not even like either of you have it as a first name. He’s being ridiculous.

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 22:18

Your brother is awful.

romdowa · 31/10/2022 22:20

He's being ridiculous 🙄 I have first cousins who have the same first name. I probably have a good few cousins with the same middle name. Nobody ever got bent out of shape over it. If my db started acting like that then I'd use it as a first name but I'm petty 🤣

RFPO77 · 31/10/2022 22:20

Your brother is being ridiculous, this is very common in families, loads of cousins have the same middle names, half my family have the same middle name 🙄

nomistake · 31/10/2022 22:21

My girls, my sisters girls and my sister all have thr same middle name - our grandma's name. Middle names are a nice way to honour lost family members so its not uncommon for a few people to have the same middle name in a family.

LynetteScavo · 31/10/2022 22:21

Your brother is being silly. I'd be inclined to lie and tell him you aren't using it, but do so anyway. He's unlikely to check.

PrtScn · 31/10/2022 22:22

My DH and his brother have the same middle name, which my son also has been given. My son's name is my fathers name, of which my sister has also used as a middle name for her son. Ignore your brother, and use it as a middle name, or even better, as a first name. If he moans about that just say it's because he said you couldn't use it as a middle name 😀

lljkk · 31/10/2022 22:22

I'm liking the posts that say don't worry about it, use middle names you like, don't volunteer to him what the middle name is.

I don't even know most of my cousins' middle names. Probably quite a few repeats in there. DC all seem indifferent to their middle names tbh.

mcmooberry · 31/10/2022 22:22

What a horrible hurtful response from your brother. If not for your infertility (huge congratulations on this wonderful news) you would have used the name first and would have been happy for him also to use it. Maybe point that out xx

SenecaFallsRedux · 31/10/2022 22:22

Whataretheodds · 31/10/2022 21:59

He's being ridiculous. I think it's 2 or 3 of the Queen' Elizabeth II's granddaughters, and 4 or 5 of her granddaughters who have her name as a middle name? Tell him it's good enough for them.

And both of King Charles's granddaughters have Diana as one of their names. I'm assuming William didn't carry on like he owned the name when Harry used it for his daughter's middle name.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2022 22:23

Do you think it's him or your SiL behind this?

Out of 'respect'?? Respect for whom, exactly. You don't owe your brother 'respect'. You may respect him because he's a good man, but you don't owe him 'respect' just because he's your brother.

Tell him that the respect you wish to show your mother's memory far outweighs any 'respect' he may think you 'owe' him.

This 'owning' a name shit is ridiculous.

JamSandle · 31/10/2022 22:23

AtomicBlondeRose · 31/10/2022 21:45

Both DC will have it as a middle name, neither as a first name! That’s absolutely fine and rather a sweet family tradition actually. He is BU.

Oh! Sorry for misreading x