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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:55

Thank you everyone. I am reading your replies through my big fat tears! Feeling very emotional tonight and also had a shit day at work which isn't helping anything!

To the poster who asked, yes my mum had a middle name which I guess I could use. Its not what I wanted or planned but I don't want to fall out with DB we are usually so close. I don't know why he's being like this.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 31/10/2022 21:56

I think that's lovely to give her your mum's name. It's not weird for cousins to have the same middle name. Hardly anyone will know both of their middle names, and if they do will recognise why. Also I am guessing, but does your niece have your mum's surname and you don't? Even more reason to use her first name.

I think you need to give him time and then talk to him about it. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 31/10/2022 21:56

my cousins have the same middle name as me. He is being ridiculous!!

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Edwina83 · 31/10/2022 21:56

He is totally unreasonable.

decayingmatter · 31/10/2022 21:56

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2022 21:51

What you have to ask yourself is, are you prepared to fall out with your DB about this? Yes, he’s being an arse about it, but he probably thinks the same about you. Did your mum only have one first name or is there another one you can use?

You can't just live your life acquiescing to other people and allowing yourself to be bullied just because they shout louder and act out more.

Turnoffthelight · 31/10/2022 21:56

He is being ridiculous. She was your mum too and no one owns I name.

Use it as the first name!

Congratulations!

Boopeedoop · 31/10/2022 21:57

In our family, an aunt is a midwife. She's delivered most of the babies in the family for the last 30 years.

Every single female baby has her first name as the middle name.

It's a lovely tradition. Nothing wrong with sharing a middle name at all.

DeoForty · 31/10/2022 21:57

He's being daft.

Id be tempted to upgrade it to her first name, since he doesn't want them having the same middle name...

userxx · 31/10/2022 21:58

I've got the same name as my cousin also the same as my auntie.

BunnyBerries · 31/10/2022 21:59

Of course you can use the name! My siblings have never even asked the middle name of my children and it'll never affect their life. Once you use it your brother will feel super petty if he ever mentions it again.

Goodness me if you were male, would your brother ask you to change your surname because he also uses it and had it first?

moonlight1705 · 31/10/2022 21:59

My DD has my mum's name as I was pregnant with her when my mum died. My sister has used it as niece's middle name and I don't care as it is lovely that we all want to honour her.

Not sure what your brother is on about.

Whataretheodds · 31/10/2022 21:59

He's being ridiculous. I think it's 2 or 3 of the Queen' Elizabeth II's granddaughters, and 4 or 5 of her granddaughters who have her name as a middle name? Tell him it's good enough for them.

Georgeskitchen · 31/10/2022 21:59

Congratulations on your news. Your brother is acting like a fanny. He needs to grow up. You are perfectly entitled to have your late mums name for your daughter x

DeoForty · 31/10/2022 22:00

Also, I understand not wanting to fall out with your brother, but he clearly doesn't feel the same way, or it would have been an eye roll to your SIL and he would have let it go. He's gone in barrels blazing, not you. You can refuse to be drawn into an argument, but keep the name.

Lampshadered · 31/10/2022 22:00

He is being ridiculous; it's a middle name, you're not planning to use the same first name.

My DS and two of his cousins have my granddad's name as their middle name. My DS was born first. I didn't find out my nephews' middle names until their christening days but it didn't bother me in the slightest. Why would my siblings have used a name that didn't mean anything to them?

Fedupsequin · 31/10/2022 22:00

Yanbu. I don’t even know my cousin’s middle names!

Changingplace · 31/10/2022 22:01

Sorry your brother has upset you like this, he’s being completely and utterly crazy and unreasonable.

He doesn’t get ‘first dibs’ on your mums name, she was you mum too and you have every right to use her name for your dd.

I wouldn’t speak to him about it again, maybe once he’s had a chance to think it through he’ll realise how daft he’s being.

You’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever.

RitzyTitzy · 31/10/2022 22:01

My son and nephew have the same middle name, after my dad. My ds was born first and if I remember rightly my dsis didn't even mention it. And neither should she have felt she needed to! Your db is being very odd.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 31/10/2022 22:02

I share my middle name with three quarters of the women in my mother's family (including my own mother and my daughter). It's never been an issue.

I'd use it regardless tbh. If you don't, you're likely to resent him anyway and if he chooses to fall out with you over this...well then he's a bit of a prat imo.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 31/10/2022 22:02

I would use it as her first name.

Doyoumind · 31/10/2022 22:02

HIBU. It's quite common for multiple people to have the same middle name in families for exactly the reason you are considering that name. We have several examples in my family.

TheBirdintheCave · 31/10/2022 22:02

Your brother is being daft. My cousin and I both gave our sons the middle name Joseph after our granddad. It's not an issue. He was important to both of us and it was kind of expected that that's what we'd do anyway.

Give your daughter your mother's name as you planned :)

FrozenGhost · 31/10/2022 22:03

He's being completely ridiculous. It's a common tradition in many families for cousins to share a middle name. It would be fun for little kids to share a middle name anyway. And for adults a complete non issue.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 31/10/2022 22:03

He needs to fuck off.

Calmdown14 · 31/10/2022 22:03

I gave my daughter the same middle name as my sister had given her daughter.
It's a middle name. It's not really used but it's a connection they share and I like that.

This probably isn't about the name. New life in the family has stirred up emotions he usually buries and he's lashing out. I'd just say something non committal like 'sorry you are upset' and leave it a good few weeks before attempting to talk to him about it.

You've done nothing wrong but I wouldn't escalate it while everything is raw.