Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

[FarrahMoon]

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

Me and a fair few of my cousins all have the same middle name (grandmother's). My daughter and my niece both have my mums name as a middle name, and my son and several of his cousins on his dad's side all have my FILs name as their middle - it's never been an issue.

I don't think your brother is being fair, and he doesn't have the monopoly of being the only one able to honour your mum in this way simply because he happened to have a daughter first.

YANBU your brother is a proper arsehole.
no one ever knows anyones middle names, I couldn’t tell you my friends middle names! The cousins will think it’s cool.
don’t use your mums middle name, use the name you’ve always dreamed of having and congratulations.
i would just reply, “no problem you don’t want me to use it as a middle name, I will use it for her first name”.
had this in friends and families where family names overlap cousins and it’s normal. One cousin born later in the same year their first name was the middle name of the older one. But clearly both parents had chosen the name well in advance.

Since forever, boys have taken their fathers names as middle names. My own h has his dads name as a middle name, I believe his brother has the same.

honestly, crack on. You know why you’re naming her, in memory of your mum. Your brother is being ridiculous.

more likely, his WIFE is being ridiculous. Call him and say that the reason their 4 yo has Victoria as a middle name is the reason why your dd will have the same name; to honour your mother.

Y definitely NBU. It's a middle name.
My DD has 2 middle names but one of them is after my great man, it's a lovely name, my cousins DD (born many years before mine) also has the name as her middle name. No-one kicked off about it as it's a middle name not a first name and it's a lovely name and way to keep the memory alive.

My DS has a middle name that’s his cousins first name. No-one cares.
My DB wanted to name his future son the same name as DS (after our dad) - this would’ve been very weird, especially for my mum. Luckily his wife also thought it was weird and they also didn’t have a son.

Why would you allow your brother and his wife a say in what you name your child?

Call her what you want, it's absolutely none of his business.

What nonsense from your DB. I have a DD who has her (still alive) grandmother's name as a middle name. Her younger cousin also has that name as her middle name. Wouldn't have crossed our minds even to comment on this.

On the other hand, years ago when I was pregnant with my first child (with ex-H), I told my ex-SIL that if the baby was a girl it would have a certain name, let's say Mary. SIL, who wasn't even in a relationship at the time never mind pregnant or planning a child, went nuts and told ex-H that oh no account could we call the baby Mary as that was "her" baby name.

If your Mum would have told him to get a bloody grip then you message him back and tell him to get a bloody grip too. Don't back down, and don't discuss your plans with him again.

He's being an utter tit, and I'd be telling him so.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't let this stress you, and I do hope all goes smoothly for you.

Although I'm no royalist, I might be tempted to use the Charlotte / Lilibet example and ask if he also thinks that is the height of rudeness for them both to be given Diana as a middle name? Or bring it up with the wider family somehow. He needs to understand that what you're doing is completely normal and a lovely thing to do. Or you just accept that his thoughts on this are bizarre and you can't reason with stupid, and just go ahead and do it without telling him.

My neice (my DS child) is 10 weeks older than my daughter. Born a few months after our Nan diedt, they each have her name as a middle name. Never been a problem although they are not exactly the same as one has the full version and the other the shortened version by which our Nan was generally known. (Think Sophia/Sophie, Eleanor/Ellie, Victoria/Vicky). This was done for personal preference but might be a way of resolving the issue with your DB?

Not that I think you should have to compromise, your DB is a Dic - nobody 'owns' a name!

Quite usual in families to have a “family” middle name, in my experience. All women in my family are Something Elizabeth after a grandmother; all girls in my friend’s family were Something Jane in memory of a family member who died as a child. Your brother is being very odd. (Fair enough if you’d picked the same first name - but presumably Emma Victoria and Zoe Victoria will just be “Emma and Zoe”.)

I think he enjoys the feeling that he has a special relationship with your mum because he has honoured her memory in this way, and doesn't want that feeling to be lessened by sharing it with you.

Fuck that, she was your mum too and it's completely normal for cousins to have the same middle name, as evidenced by this thread.

Your DB is MASSIVELY out of line... no one has a monopoly on honor names, honor names in them very selves are copies so you are not copying him and his daughter is not 'carrying on' anything.

Victoria is hardly unique AND its only in the middle.

Has he always been a selfish narcassist?

Cousins can have the same FIRST name if they want (theres several in my family with the same name) and there doesnt even need to be a 'reason'.

No one EVER gets to dictate someone elses child name choice and the only reason a name choice would be bad taste is if it the name of someone immediates deceased child.

Congratulations OP.
Middle names are often names that have family reason. It's common for that name to be shared by family members.
Of course he's bu.

Good lord, your brother is being very unreasonable. Tell him to look up the family naming patterns that were used until recently here in Scotland; in those days loads of cousins had the same names. I'm sure some families still do this, too.

I'm astonished he's making so much fuss over a middle name.

Please go ahead and use your chosen name for your little girl.

He is being unreasonable .

half my daughters cousins have Rose as a
middle name after their Nan .

Lots of the children in my family have my dad's name as a middle name.

I'd answer back that you've had a think and you won't use it as a middle name, but as her first name and see what happens!

YANBU at all.

All of the first born females in my mothers family have the same middle name. Growing up I loved that connection across the family and I've kept the tradition going with my eldest daughter.

Your brother is being ridiculous. You using your mum's name doesn't devalue him using your mum's name. It just amplifies how much she was loved.

In my paternal family, there has always been a "Francis", in the boys names somewhere, even some of the girls have Frances
It was a family tradition

Also, in France its very common to include the grandfathers/grandmothers names as middle names

4 girls in my family have the same middle name to remember a dead relative. Its a tradition we all value. There's a diff

Slightly more resemblance to English but not much.

With the royals they have, until recently, all had about 10 names, often the same names, at least for the males.

Aren't they all something Louis,Arthur, George?

Prince George I'm sure has Louis as a middle name but then they gave that name to his little brother.

Sums it up

I would tell your brother in no uncertain terms how much of a prick he is being and that you will be using your mums name for your daughter. I can be a right bitch though so would probably make it her first name.

My sister and I along with our cousin all have the same middle name!

1 reply of 'She was my Mum too', nothing else, no discussion, no emotion, nothing.... hopefully that will make him (or SIL) think about how silly they are being!

If not, then it is his (or her) problem, and looking at the replies you have had on here, he (or her) will look a tad ridiculous if they kick off.

Congratulations OP 💗