Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

[FarrahMoon]

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

I have the same middle name as my grandmother and my DD has the same middle name as me. I really don't understand what his problem is, I think he is being quite insensitive.

I think you need to do what feels right for you and your child. Not pander to your brother's unreasonable demands.

When my daughter was born and I was faced with situations like this, I always thought what would I encourage her to do. I then needed to model that behaviour. I want her to be able to stand up for herself.

It's really normal to have the same names repeated in families. He is being completely unreasonable.

It could be worse. My cousin gave her child the same name as my Mum's dog!

Was helpful while trying to corral both toddler and dog at the same time though!

Your brother is being ridiculous - if it was first names I'd think it a bit odd perhaps, but middle names is totally fine.

My nieces both have the same middle names in memory of a family member and they're siblings!

Give your DD whatever name you want.

(Congratulations on your pregnancy!)

My younger cousin and I have the same middle name. She was 16 when she found out. Point being: name was never used.

You could Google how many other girls have been given the name since his daughter was born, and offer to help him contact all their parents requesting a name change.

Or, thank your brother for his 'opinion' . And move on.

I am afraid your brother, however much you love him, is being a complete pillock!

I could almost understand him being mildly miffed if it was the same first name; but a middle name!

Two of my GC (i.e. cousins) have the same first name, which is a nod to a deceased relative. No-one cares a jot nor should they - we just call them Big X and Little X. No problem.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

"DB, I am not copying your daughter's name. I am honouring our mum as I have always planned to do. If you had any compassion you would see that I have just as much right to do this as you do and I personally think it is a lovely way to remember mum by having a family name and a connection between both of our girls and their grandma. Your message has upset me a lot and I don't want an argument about it so let's leave it there but I will be using my mum's name as the middle name for my long-awaited daughter as has always been my plan."

Your brother is being ridiculous..
Both my children have the same middle name because it means something to me ..

People don't own names ffs !

I would be tempted to send him this thread as you wanted to know if you were being unreasonable. Maybe reading other people’s responses will make him see that it is he who is being unreasonable.

Please don't change your plans. He is being sooo unreasonable. It's a total non issue and he doesn't get the monopoly on honouring your lovely mum.

He’s being ridiculous

I have 10 DN/DNeph and don’t know a single middle name of theirs

Great reply.

Great reply. 👏🏻

I haven't whatsapped him back, I'm honestly shocked and saddened that he appears to have an issue with this. I know if mum were here she would tell him to get a bloody grip!

I do think you need to ask your brother what he imagines your mother's reaction would be. But on any basis, don't let him put you off using the name. I'm sure that, sooner or later, he will realise what a pillock he's being.

I actually think that the best response here, is no response at all.

Ignore him. He is the one being disrespectful and unreasonable. You can call your daughter whatever name you want.